It's there. The glimmer of excitment, the spark of motivation, the beginning of my next positive wave. I'm starting to see it in the distance.
In retrospect - could this past episode of extended darkness have been off-clomid (therefore disguised in a cloak of soul shattering doubt) PMS? I can be moody but it doesn't generally linger on and on for days at a time....
Who knows. Who gives a fuck. I'm just glad that I can see the end now.
To my followers who stayed through (and read about ) my dark & depressing few days - THANKS! I appreciate the support more than you know.
Ok - so on to more interesting things.
Today I did an impulsive but albeit very profitable and mood-lifting thing.
D and I went to the Peanut Plaza to get some stuff from the dollar store (mainly an old school corded phone which will work better with our Magic Jack than a cordless. *sidenote, if you don't have a MagicJack and you call people long distance.... GET ONE! $20.00 a year. Unlimited. Need I say more!...)....
But I digress...
Beside the dollar store is this hole-in-the-wall herbal tea/supplement store. I've never gone inside before - much preferring the brightly lit isles of the local GNC Stores, or even my Shopper Drugmart has a pretty good selection nowadays... but today, I went in.
The man in there was so helpful, knew exactly what I wanted/needed before I had even finished saying "infertility, endometriosis, fibromyalgia". And I got some stuff for D too- maybe his horrid eating habits can be slightly improved if I force vitamins down his throat. In the end I wound up only spending $60.00 and I got prenatal vitamins for me, multi vitamins for D and L-Arginine for D as well. And he also had 2 chinese herbal vitamins I had been looking for - Ho Shou Wu Tablets and Angelica Compound Tablets. Fantastic! I was so ecsctatic I can't even explain it in words. Like, jump up and down in front of the shy, quiet store man ecstatic.
We are seasonal workers, meaning we don't operate full time in the winter, and we pretty much put ourselves in the poor house at the fertility clinic. A one month cycle of Clomid, trigger shot & progesterone, not including the reccomended vitamins for D cost over $500 at the clinic! Not included the reccomended IUI's (which we haven't been able to afford to do yet. Hoping to in the spring) The worst thing was that those treatments didn't even have any hope of improving the reasons behind our infertility problems. And the fact that I am in a ridiculous amount of pain and can't work, or function, makes me kinda sorta wanna know... WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!?! The whole reason I went to the clinic in the first place was the pain & obvious issues with my menstral cycle. And my fertility doctor just is not interested solving those issues. She just wants me preggo. And don't get me wrong, I want that too, but I have issues (physical and emotional) that needed resolving first. She was initially supposed to have been operating on me to just to see if I had endometriosis, and the next thing I knew I was on Clomid & in the middle of a battle with time for my future child.
This more hollistic approach to gaining back my fertility just may be the key to my worries. It gives me time to resolve some of the issues within my relationship with D so that episodes of doubt like the last one don't have to happen.
If anyone has ever taken any of the Chinese Herbal Medicine tablets I mentioned before, I'd REALLY love to hear from you! Positive or negative experiences. I am trying these things because we can't afford to do medical treatment at the moment. I have no clue if they work but I'm more than willing to try. I've been trying my best to stay "herbal" for the last several years. I would be so blissfully happy if I managed to get preggo via Chinese Herbal Medicine vs. more invasive Western Medical techniques.
I leave you now to work on a new blog I am starting - going to leave you with a bit of mystery, but I promise, I will reveal all soon!
Oh! And leave some comments, will ya? I tore my hair out this afternoon fixing my layout, and I certainly hope that it fixed any comment posting issues. :)