Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Calm after the storm...

Please pardon me if I'm depressing today.  The last few days have been excruciatingly difficult.  
If you are following me on Twitter you know that I had a relationship meltdown on Thursday night, and D left the house for a while.  Things are a bit better now but I'm still recovering.
Between the arguing, the quitting smoking (both of us @ the same time, and cold turkey), and with time off of infertility treatments (the only thing stable and positive that I was focused on before..... 
I feel like too many things in my life are just too negative.   

My uncle's situation in palliative care is going from bad to worse, and as bad as this sounds, there is no relief in sight for him or for us.   I miss having a normal family life - we haven't had any good times since last spring.

My health is going from bad to worse - probably because I'm so depressed and barely ever want to leave the house. 

If it wasn't for Twitter right now I would be totally and completely isolated.
Sounds so pathetic when I type it out.

I stopped talking to the only close girlfriend I had about 2 months ago because she was completely incapable of comforting me, but expected me to consistantly come to her rescue.  I am too tired to rescue someone else, and too tired to entertain someone who calls, leaves a voicemail saying she wants to "catch up" and then says absolutely NOTHING when I call to chat.  If I wanted to hear myself speak I would talk to my cats. 
I'm actually pretty relieved that I am not speaking with her.  My frusteration levels would go through the roof every time I called her in the last little while.

I can't understand people who WANT to be depressed.  I spend every day that I am depressed trying NOT to be - and trying to plan activities (even though at the moment they are mostly  within my home) to keep busy and not stay sitting like a lump on the couch.(I'm all for marathon couching, sometimes, but you can't do that all the time all day long!)   She did not do the same, nor did she encourage or try to participate in any of the stuff that I was trying to plan.  She just wanted to sit on her porch smoking cigarettes all day long - and even when I told her I was quitting, she could not respect that fact and would still constantly bring up smoking when we talked. And if I were to come over, she still wanted to sit on the porch smoking cigarettes all day.   Same thing happens with emotional cutting.  I haven't done it in years, but she constantly still does it.  I asked her to please not talk to me about it, she has a great therapist and I feel that those things are better discussed there - especially since I told her that I  felt quite triggered and had to work very hard not to fall back into old habits when she would describe her cutting to me.  The same thing would happen if she decided to overdose on her medications.  I have had issues with that in the past as well, and am doing my best to stay away from that kind of harmful behavior.  Sure there are nights when I wish I could just down 5 sleeping pills and knock out for the whole night (normally I sleep maybe 1-2 hours and then wake up).   I don't need that kind of temptation. Or lack of support. 

Despite the fact that I am relieved to be rid of that particular frusteration, I am still missing female contact.  I think that if I had more girlfriends I wouldn't feel so desperately sad about some of the things I'm lacking in my romantic life.  Plus I'd probably have a more realistic view on what a romantic relatiionship is really like, 'cuz right now I compare our life to that which I see in the movies... and, lets face it, that's probably enough to make anyone depressed.  

I'm not giving up on my happiness though.  I don't know what it's going to take to get there - but I'll figure it out eventually. 


  1. Ahh, the toxic friendship...sometimes those are truly a relief to be out of. I do believe that you outgrow your friends sometimes, and also that its a sign of maturity when you can recognize that and act on it. And I also believe that something demonstrating maturity means something totally not fun. :-P

  2. First of all, I FINALLY remembered to vote on your song (couldnt at work) and WOW you have a fucking beautiful voice <3

    Focus on you. Are there organized groups that you could involve yourself in-cooking, knitting, reading, singing, anything like that? Don't compare yourself to movies-they are so unrealistic. Real life and real commitment requires so much much understanding and work at times. Real self happiness requires so much sometimes. You will get there, I know that you will <3

  3. I understand about most of what's in blog. I have been depressed most my life and it has gotten way wors since my mother died in 2006, then miscarrying, then endoemtriosis, infertility, miscarrying again, lupus and other health problems, my grams is sick... It seems like one thing after another doesn't it? Maybe ask your doctor for some anti-depressants, there are some you can take while ttc/pregnant. I'm going back next month to get back on mine, because it's soo bad right now. And with the insomnia..I've had it since I was 10 but always been on sleeping pills up until now... Maybe do a lopt during the day to wear yourself out?? As for the friend... I have stopped being friends with soo many of my friends, because they were jsut be negative and bring me down, and right now I don't need that in my life. I just stopped being friends with this one girl back in nov. She ttc'd for 6 months and got pregnant and then all she would talk about to me is her pregnancy..I would tell her I'm very happy for you but can we please not talk about this right now. Then she'd post shit on her twitter and yahoo status about her baby right after I'd tell her that. So finally I got tired of it and cut her out of my life. I know that you will get through just gotta keep being strong. And being strong doesn't mean you won't have bad days, because everyone has bad days. Hold your head up high! I just know everything will work out for you! I'm always ALWAYS here if you need to talk. *HUGS*



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