Please pardon me if I'm depressing today. The last few days have been excruciatingly difficult.
If you are following me on Twitter you know that I had a relationship meltdown on Thursday night, and D left the house for a while. Things are a bit better now but I'm still recovering.
Between the arguing, the quitting smoking (both of us @ the same time, and cold turkey), and with time off of infertility treatments (the only thing stable and positive that I was focused on before.....
I feel like too many things in my life are just too negative.
My uncle's situation in palliative care is going from bad to worse, and as bad as this sounds, there is no relief in sight for him or for us. I miss having a normal family life - we haven't had any good times since last spring.
My health is going from bad to worse - probably because I'm so depressed and barely ever want to leave the house.
If it wasn't for Twitter right now I would be totally and completely isolated.
Sounds so pathetic when I type it out.
I stopped talking to the only close girlfriend I had about 2 months ago because she was completely incapable of comforting me, but expected me to consistantly come to her rescue. I am too tired to rescue someone else, and too tired to entertain someone who calls, leaves a voicemail saying she wants to "catch up" and then says absolutely NOTHING when I call to chat. If I wanted to hear myself speak I would talk to my cats.
I'm actually pretty relieved that I am not speaking with her. My frusteration levels would go through the roof every time I called her in the last little while.
I can't understand people who WANT to be depressed. I spend every day that I am depressed trying NOT to be - and trying to plan activities (even though at the moment they are mostly within my home) to keep busy and not stay sitting like a lump on the couch.(I'm all for marathon couching, sometimes, but you can't do that all the time all day long!) She did not do the same, nor did she encourage or try to participate in any of the stuff that I was trying to plan. She just wanted to sit on her porch smoking cigarettes all day long - and even when I told her I was quitting, she could not respect that fact and would still constantly bring up smoking when we talked. And if I were to come over, she still wanted to sit on the porch smoking cigarettes all day. Same thing happens with emotional cutting. I haven't done it in years, but she constantly still does it. I asked her to please not talk to me about it, she has a great therapist and I feel that those things are better discussed there - especially since I told her that I felt quite triggered and had to work very hard not to fall back into old habits when she would describe her cutting to me. The same thing would happen if she decided to overdose on her medications. I have had issues with that in the past as well, and am doing my best to stay away from that kind of harmful behavior. Sure there are nights when I wish I could just down 5 sleeping pills and knock out for the whole night (normally I sleep maybe 1-2 hours and then wake up). I don't need that kind of temptation. Or lack of support.
Despite the fact that I am relieved to be rid of that particular frusteration, I am still missing female contact. I think that if I had more girlfriends I wouldn't feel so desperately sad about some of the things I'm lacking in my romantic life. Plus I'd probably have a more realistic view on what a romantic relatiionship is really like, 'cuz right now I compare our life to that which I see in the movies... and, lets face it, that's probably enough to make anyone depressed.
I'm not giving up on my happiness though. I don't know what it's going to take to get there - but I'll figure it out eventually.