Finding my Happy

Yesterday  I was 'msn'ing' with an old friend. She knows D very well, in fact I know her through him & she also is beginning to know me very well as she has decided to embark on the adventure that one undertakes when becoming my follower on twitter.  She thus has pretty good insight on what's happening in my life, because I'm an open book & she knows the other chapter of my story quite well ;)

She said, very wisely, that my tweets have begun to indicate a fair amount of despair & depression. And that despite the fact that I frequently vent about relationship drama between me & my love, the darkness is most likely coming from the void that I feel OUTSIDE of my relationship.

It's true.  I try to stay positive, hopeful, optimistic, & happy & all that jazz but there's a monster lurking too close to the surface for my comfort.  And try as he might, D can not do anything about it.  This fact alone brings out a not -so-nice aspect of our relationship... him trying, me rejecting him & him then being cold & aggressive because... well, basically I'm being a bitch too.

As a veteran of therapy, both group & individual, I can tell the signs of depression.  I see that I'm in trouble.  I see that I need help.  I see that lack of luster in myself, my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings is getting stronger... but I just am kinda of the mind set that I want to try & use my self-taught skills (and call on some of the skills that I've learned in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - if you're interested in hearing more about this please leave a comment & I will blog about it next!) in conjunction with my newly found twitter support system rather than running back to therapy, or worse still, medication.

What my wise friend suggested was that I make a list. A list of things OUTSIDE my relationship that make me jump for joy. Things that tickle my thoughts.  Things that stimulate my senses. 
I have been happy before, I do experience happiness still & thus, there must be circumstances, things, people, situations, etc. that still make me happy.

So here,  blogles & tweeties, are (some of) my happys!

(I'm gonna be random, start with small things and maybe things that people will find strange... but it's all part of the process! I need to once more learn to take joy in the little pleasures of life!)

~ my cats (duh)
~ Ani Difranco (duh - I said I was starting with the easy things!)
~ composing & recording music.   (need to find a good software for this! SUGGESTIONS? I've used sequel 2, cakewalk & fruityloops, but never understood what I was doing.. need something user friendly! read:dummy-fied) 
~ guitar (need to become more consistent with playing so I don't have to go through the pain of re-developing calluses every single time! what a turn off!) 
~ photography & digitally editing photos
~ reading with tea & kush at Roach-a-rama in Kensington Market (requires me to leave the house & take the transit to go downtown... not that likely at the moment... but still a happy)
~ yoga (need to find some bum-knee friendly yoga - suggestions anyone??)
~ swimming (need to find a public pool nearby for swimming 3x/ week)
~ shopping for fruits & veggies & spices & nuts (productive to my diet too!)
~ shopping in general (though this can get dangerous!)
~ cooking & baking
~ knitting
~ PAINTING (really MISS this one!)
~ mani/pedi
~ bath & wine time (not sure I can swing this in my current apartment... our bathtub SUCKS)
~ journalling/blogging :)

And I think that's all for now! That's actually a pretty good list, if I don't say so myself (which I do!) All of the things on there are things that I enjoyed doing pre-D and kinda stopped doing due to various factors in my current situation... none of which are written in stone, and all of which I can change.
So now, the task at hand is to DO SOMETHING and actually make this list go to good use.  That's the hardest part of it all, 'cuz if you've followed my blog at all, you'll know I"m great at making lists & plans & not so great at the actual execution of things. But here's another shot...

To my Wise friend (one in specific but also, to all my wise friends who are reading!)  please remember, we need to kick each others asses into gear, for who else is in a better position to push you to succeed in finding your happy but your friends?  <3

F*^#&%$ Positivity!

It's not been easy, but I'm doing it.... I'm sunny.  I'm GD optimistic and cheerful.  Dammit.

Here comes another slightly garbled post though - I'm so sorry! I'll take the decline in comments as a sign that y'all would prefer my normal writing style to return.  I'll send that memo up to my (foggy) brain asap.

Sess has still not (independently) eaten, though I have forced about 4 syringes of wet food and water, and at least 12 zillion of water alone into her... she growls with the food, so I don't do too much.  The maple syrup worked a bit though, I think I noticed the most change in her after starting that regiment. D and I went to the movies today to see Alice in Wonderland (slightly disappointing, not worth a review post) and when we got back she came to drink outta the tub! I tweeted it here.

This makes me (disproportionately?) happy

I am still not sleeping well, though I have taken to falling FAST asleep at around 4 or 5am in the last few nights, meaning that I'm getting a good 3- 4 hours of real sleep, which is an improvement from NONE.   The bad Baycrest dreams are getting shorter.  Appreciated.  Gone would be better.   But I'm being patient.   And trying to stay off the sleeping pills.  I don't wanna get hooked.  Finding a fuzzy comfy fog in a little blue pill every night seems just a wee bit too tempting now-a-days. 

And this morning I woke up with a crick in my neck - I look like a friggin' moron, turning my whole body to look around.

And, other than that, I'm pretty numb.  I'm immersing myself in work as much as possible (having D here instead of out doing the jobs is kind of distracting, but as of the 15th he'll be out doing sales calls, much better for growing our little company.  In my haste to anticipate having my days to myself again once Spring had sprung I forgot that hiring a crew meant that he did not have to work sun up to sun down if he didn't want to.  Right now we only have one vehicle, so he has to stay home with me all day 'till the crew returns.  As of the 15th we'll have two again.  Thank god, or I'd probably... I won't finish that sentence.)

I listened to my uncles songs yesterday and had a good cry... every so often I look up in the sky and look out for birds(wondering why?)...  I'm thinking of uploading some of his music for you all to hear - is that something that would appeal to y'all?  It's not in English but the melodies are gorgeous.  I'm not 100% how to do that without putting 'em on YouTube, or in my sidebar like my songs are, so any tips would be GREATLY appreciated! And I'm gonna get back on the Juri and the Bears Blog.   I think it could be a great support to adults and children alike, who are going through a terminal illness.

And my plans for today? I've got more company organization work to do, customer calling to do...


and more F*ing positivity to radiate.  <3

One year closer......

So, it's my 29th birthday today, I'm one year closer to the year that I've kinda always put out as my "deadline".   Deadline for what you ask?  

Um....

STUFF!
...


lol. Okay no, seriously - I always thought I'd be married with kids & a career (or a career driven/millionaire hubby making it possible for me to become a professional SAHM)... but I'm pretty much NOT EVEN CLOSE to that reality.... nor am I close to my UTOPIA reality.

But I'm zen about it.  Really.   I'm "livin' in the moment".  And I actually mean that for once in my life. My latest bout of darkness has brought anew my optimism for the future.   And today, on the day that I'm exactly 365 days away from the deadline that I've been envisioning since the day I knew how, I'm cool.  I'm calm.  I'm collected.

I'm pretty happy, and I know where I need (and where I WANT) to be next year.  (for real, not where I thought I'd be in my 6,7,8 etc... year old mind)

So this morning I thought I'd share 5 of the  things I WANNA accomplish in my 29th year. (I tweeted and warned you all about the I WANNA'S coming up today!... )

Not exactly a resolution list, just kind of a guideline to help me in a few months when I'm floating aimlessly through my long -anticipated summer.

1. Get to the gym.   I was 80 lbs. thinner just 3 short years ago.  I know I can do it, and I think it will help HUGELY with my fibromyalgia, endo and pcos if I get back there. Here's a pic to help you (and me) visualize:

This was about 4 years ago actually - but still... thin(er).

And now?
.... searching.... searching..... searching....



Geez - it's super hard to find a current full body shot!  That'll show ya right there how much I need to do this!

Okay - here's one.... me trying to convince myself to get in the freezing cold Georgian Bay last summer.....

OMG I can't believe I'm even putting this picture online.  You wouldn't believe the verbal thrashing that D got for taking an unprepared shot of me from behind....

But I digress...

2. Music Music Music -  gotta get back on the singer/songwriter bandwagon.   If nothing else I have learned that me drifting away from my creativity is never ever a good thing. Want to get a recording done or at least mostly done this year.  A professional recording.  That I can sell on iTunes.  I don't care if it's far fetched. I'm doin' it.

3. GET PREGGO!  Ok, so I can't exactly control this one, but #'s 1& 2 may help keep me sane and fit and zen and all that good fertility stuff.

4.Go somewhere - this is kinda vague.   Ok - go somewhere outside Ontario.  D has never left Ontario, and I have a serious travel bug that has remained unfed for 10 years, and may just feed on my eyeballs if I don't satisfy it soon.






5. Become a better/ more involved family member.   I need to get over some shit.  It's about f'ing time.   If that means I have to be more mature than my mother/parents/elder  then so be it.


 
So that's it - hope you enjoyed....  I'm off to finish my quiet (read:early!!!) birthday morning of blogging, tweeting and catching up on my favorite people's lives.   Today, more than before, I cherish the new connections and friendships I'm making through this blog and my tweets.  I've always had a cloud over me on my birthday - no one seemed to care, or remember, or notice.  You all have given me the strength to realize that those people don't matter -  and the one's who do are with me all the time in my mind and heart.

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Customise your iPhone Ringtones

Thought I'd do a little blurb about my favourite ringtone maker for iPhone.

Your iPhone DOES NOT have to be jb (though mine happens to be, and I love it  by the way, no problems that weren't there before I did it... and everything is reversible anyways.  If you're interested in learning how to do it it's super easy, look it up on YouTube. Just make sure you check the update - mine is still running on 3.1.2.  Not sure it works on 3.1.3 but you can always restore the phone so it doesn't really matter...)

But I digress... back to ringtones...

It's super easy - you can either choose from the TONS of ringtones they already have online,or you can create your own using your own mp3's.

Click HERE to go to their website - but read below first.... I learned a few things along the way I can share with you to make your experience a little quicker than mine was.

1. Think of your fave song and search to see if it's there before you upload it from your computer.  It probably will be - even Ani DiFranco has many many songs uploaded already.
2. If you don't like the section of the song that they have uploaded, check below and many times there are a bunch of different choices of sections from the same song.
3. If you really don't find what you want, go ahead and upload your song and choose the section you would like as your ringtone. This doesn't really take that long, just a little faster to get one that's already there....
4. Click "download ringtone for iTunes". This will put it into your ringtones list on your iTunes.  You won't have this list yet unless you have already downloaded/paid for ringtones. It'll just appear there once you start downloading em. Make sure to SAVE FILE not OPEN AS.   If you OPEN AS it will NOT sync to your iTunes/iPhone - it'll only PLAY through your iTunes, and will not store/save.


This took me about 45 min. to figure out.  Yeah....

It was 5 am ok? I hadn't had any coffee yet.  No making fun! At least I'm letting you know about it so you don't have to go through the aggravation.

and finally....

5. Sync your ringtones to your phone using your iTunes, the same way you would sync music/photos etc.! You can add a whole bunch to use for different contacts too.  They will appear above the stock ringtones in your settings/sounds/ringtone section on your phone.  

VOILA!

Wasn't that easy?

If you have any questions about this, or about jb your phone then hit me up on Twitter, or leave a comment below!

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

My solution to most any issue in my life - - including writer's block!

We draw inspiration from all around us, from imagery, nature, books, movies - all these things allow our minds to create and imagine.

For me, a major source of inspiration is music, and in particular the music of Ani Difranco.

I started listening to Ani (yes, we are on a first name basis - in my mind anyways) a LOOOOONGG time ago.  I was in the 6th grade, and despite the fact that back then I didn't really understand what many of her lyrics meant, the ones that I did shook me to my core.  They were so powerful, but so simple.  They rolled off my tongue so simply, as if I had written them myself.

When I started teaching myself to play the guitar, originally I had planned to be able to play Ani songs - which I quickly realized was just NOT going to happen.  Such talent! I am awestruck by the sounds that she creates with her voice, her body and her guitar - and try as I might I have not been able to grasp the unique method in which she plays.  Only a few songs are 'easy' enough for me to manage, and even those (that I have played a million times over) escape me after months of not practicing.

I was pondering, not so patiently, about what to base my next post on when Ani's voice came to me through my laptop speakers...

"I was blessed with a birth and a death, and I guess I just want some say in between.

don't you understand? in the day to day and the face to face -

I have to act just as strong as I can just to preserve a place where I can be who I am.

so if you still know how talk to me now." 

Ani DiFranco (her first album, despite what it says on Amazon it was put out in 1990)

Isn't she amazing?

 As I said, I started listening to Ani about 17  (1993/94) years ago.  She came out with her first album "Ani Difranco" in 1990 but I quickly caught up - she had already come out with 5 CD's by 1993 and once I had purchased my first Ani CD, Like I said, I was hooked and bought the previous 4 the next day.

Ani was there for me during my darkest times.  And this morning while faced with a completely blank mind she reached out and reminded me of an old habit that I have let go despite the fact that I think it's probably the healthiest habit I have ever taught myself. 

When I was in despair I always, without fail or falter, turned to Ani for answers.   I would literally talk to her - as she instructs me to in the song I shared with you above.   And everytime I did I came out more level headed, confident and self-aware. 

So now, my dear readers, I am want to share my inspriational idol...
the woman that I aspire to be "when I grow up"....

I was originally going to do a whole series of  "Ani" posts but now, after having written this one, I'm realizing that the power of Ani is best sprinkled in, appropriately and carefully - the same way she sprinkles her music with intellectuality, romance, romance-gone-wrong, politics and universal love. 

 Please comment!  With this post I am especially curious about feedback. (not that I am not already becoming totally obsessed with the amount of comments I get on other posts :P)

Do you love her as much as I do? Do you already know all about her?

Please, if you are a fellow Ani-lover then let me know! We can share the love!

Also, if you have a particular song you would like to hear me explore/relate to/tell you my story about, I'd be so into that! Fuse my Muse =)

ps. in case you want to do some follow up on your own....

You can go to Ani's webiste here.

You can visit the record label she started (which will be a whole other post!) here.