I'm Tumbling

Just thought I'd better let y'all know...

I didn't drop off the face of the earth COMPLETELY after my bitch fest...

I'm finding Tumblr much easier to do on a consistent basis.

I'm not abandonning this blog, just saving it for the lengthier and more in depth stuff.

Come see me! 

I'm also always on Twitter.  You know this.  I'll say no more! :)

Sicko

No, I'm not talking about the Michael Moore flick.
I'm talking bout me.

Right after I pulled myself from out of the dark clutches of depression, WHAM

The flu.
Full blown, sweating buckets while shaking under a thick winter duvet, flu.
I haven't felt like this in at least a decade.
It's enough to make me want my Mommy (but had to suppress this urge, as cleaning my whole house to be white-glove-able is soooo not something I was gonna do!)

So my plans to get on track with blogging and twitter is derailed once more as my head hurts so bad that it feels like my eyeballs might give up on their sockets and just walk away.
And I won't even tell you what my tonsils want to do to my throat.  It's criminal.

And thus, I leave you after this brief, forced, and kinda whiny post....
I just felt like I needed to reconnect with y'all, even if just for a moment.
And let ya know I'm still alive! (in case you haven't been following my bitchy flu-induced rantings on Twitter!)

Till better days. <3

the ABC's of ME

 
I'm having a slow start this morning.  

Stuff's fuzzy, foggy & slow,thus...

I'm borrowing a post idea from Liberal Granola Girl's Blog  

who got it from  Type A’s Nightmare.

Sharing IS caring. :D   

The ABCs of me:

A – Age: 29
B – Bed size: King
C – Chore you hate: cleaning the litter box (which D pretty much does every time now even though they are "my" cats.  I hold the bag sometimes while looking away and gagging.)
D – Dog/Pet’s name: You guys have met 4 already, Bronx, Atilla (dogs) Topper & Sess (cats).  Then there's the rest of the zoo who are yet to be introduced: Freddy, Frank, Shovelhead, Green eyed bandit, Spot, Food.  And 6 unnamed little creatures who we also love. More to come on them later, but if you want to read bout some of my animals check this out.
E – Essential start to your day item(s): really not proud to say this but... my green best friend. those who know me well know what I'm talking bout.  Those who don't... well, use your imagination, or read some of my older posts. You'll figure it out.
F – Favorite color: Used to be indigo blue, now I'm starting to lean more towards turquoise-y blues/ greens.  My glasses are turquoise on the inside.
And I <3 anything forest-y, as you can tell! :D
G – Gold or Silver: white gold or PLATINUM :D
H – Height: 5′ 2″ (and D is 6'2".  I often wonder if we look funny to other people)
I – Instruments you play(ed): piano, viola, cello, guitar, flute, recorder. but am not v.good.
J – Job title: Home Office Manager. Wifey. Pet Mama.
K – Kisses or hugs: why do I have to choose?
L – Living arrangements: renting :( stupid apartment.  We can't wait to live in Utopia.
M – Mood: restless. ready for a change. anxious for summer.
N – Nicknames: Nat, NaVe (Nah-vey.  It's what I use if I perform & online. obviously)Babe, Baby, Natalushka (thanks Mom) zabinka(again, Mom. It means little frog in Slovak. I dunno why she calls me this,sounds cuter out loud.)
O – Overnight hospital stays other than birth: a bunch.  I went nuts about 10 yrs ago and got sent to the looney bin a few times. I'm better now.  MOSTLY :P
P – Pet Peeves: Adults not cleaning up after themselves (I've had people stay on my couch a lot in the last few years. Mostly men, but even the women... like, you're staying here RENT FREE. Pick up your coffee cup and put it in the sink! Or, *GASP* wash it yourself!)  AND people who have lived in Canada for more that 5 years and still don't speak a word of English. And they run a store. In Toronto.
Q – Quote from a movie: I dunno if this is really my fave, but it's all I could think of...
"Hurumph! Hurumph! Hurumph! Hey! I didn't get a Hurumph outta that guy!
R – Right or left handed: Right
S – Siblings: none - that I know of.... but I'm adopted, so WHO KNOWS?
T – Time you wake up: It depends, but almost always before 8am.
U- Underwear: um, like, do I wear it?? most of the time.... :p
V – Vegetable you dislike: Radish, Beets.
W – Ways you run late: I always run late. I run late when there’s no way to run late. I will most certainly be late for my funeral. <—-ME TOO <-----------ME THREE!!!!
X – X-rays you've had: like, every part of my body.  I'm a huge clutz.
Y – Yummy food you make: Turkey with all the trimmings, stuffing from scratch! anything sweet/baked... cheese& spinach omelets, pad thai.
Z – Zoo favorite: marmosets!  I could spend HOURS at their cage! And at the Toronto Zoo they are in an actually cage, not behind plexi, so they come right up to you and you can touch their toes through the wire!  Not that you're supposed to or anything... geee, I hope the zoo police don't come to my door now....

Your turn =)

Spinning, whilrling, unfocused &foggy

I've been struggling in the last few days. I have a million posts in mind and can't seem to focus long enough to write them.

If you follow me on Twitter and read my blog regularly, you'll know that I tend to have these "waves" of dark&light days in my life.

Despite the fact that I'm embarking on a new & important journey in my life (vegan-ish lifestyle changes being implemented daily- which will be in a post coming up as soon as I can shake the fog) I'm faltering.

Failing to find within myself the drive to strive forward and find the success I know I can find if I really put my mind to it.

I have several (more obvious) obstacles.

1. Every time I find myself optimistic or hopeful about something, I inevitably seek support and encouragement from others and usually get shut down (Referring to my non-Twitter friends/family)
Really, my own excitement and cheer-leading should be enough for me and I hope one day soon to not seek so much outside approval.

2. Other people's negativity is completely contagious. It's like I'm a sponge and their negative fluids fill me and sink me. I hope that one day soon my positivity can outshine the darkness I see in people around me.

3. My physical ailments make me depressed. My brain knows that 'motion is lotion' as my mom preached to me through out my life. Meaning, I know that shedding some pounds and getting off my ass would help my conditions a lot. It's just that my body won't listen to my brain most of the time. It's not even that I'm lazy. It just hurts too damn much most of the time. And I'm a big wimp. When I do feel go however, just TRY to stop me.

And because of those things I haven't been feeling great in the last day or two (post-appointment on Monday I felt great but that feeling deflated rather quickly once faced with the reality of what it really means to change one's lifestyle)

That, added to the nasty comment I got is making for an icky stomach pit. Despite my best efforts I seem to be having a hard time getting over it. I have had dreams on both Sunday and Monday nights about the miscarriage comment. Hate to admit when I'm shaken but I sure am now. It's taking some real effort for me to keep my heart on my sleeve and doors to my mind wide open.

But I made a vow when I started this blog. I think it's important for there to be a sense of utter and complete honesty here in order for me to effectively reach out.

I also want to express how THANKFUL and GRATEFUL I am to the ladies who stood behind my retort to the anonymous chicken(head) commenter.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- I have found truer friends in you all than I have had in a very long time. Y'all are the reason I still have enough sanity to realize that I'll feel better if I blog it all out.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

My 99 things.... Jumped on the bandwagon!

Time for me to jump on the bandwagon I suppose.
It's a good morning for it - so much to write that it's getting bottlenecked inside my brain and won't come out.   My brain is a heinz ketchup bottle.
So here's my 99 things.... enjoy!

1. Started your own blog - so so SO glad I did - it's been a life saver. Literally.

2. Slept under the stars - fave way to sleep.

3. Played in a band - more than one

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity- time wise, yes.  Money wise, no.  If I had then I would have gone hungry and required charity myself.

7. Been to DisneyWorld

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis - D is the insect/reptile/wierd thing king... so of course I have to bold this one....

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch -guitar, cello, really any art I'm into at the moment I taught myself.  The arts I was taught by someone else I don't quite enjoy as much.

15. Adopted a child - do fur babies count?

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked - not proud of this one. It was dumb but I was lucky.


23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb - ummmmm why is this on here?

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise - really want to go soon!  I think D is almost convinced.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - I've been to Czechoslovakia (before it separated) and that's where my adopted parents are from....

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - I have brief moments like this during the summer - only to be replaced with insurmountable broke-ness in the winter.  Should probably learn to manage our money much better.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke - SOOOOO FUNNNNN!!!!!   If I could do this every night I would.

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - does McD's count? I've done that more than once....

44. Visited Africa- DEFINATELY want to do this one.

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud - used to LOVE going mudsliding at overnight camp when I was a kid.

54. Gone to a drive-in theater 

55. Been in a movie - was 'almost' an extra in the movie "The Rock" because we were visiting Alcatraz the day it was being filmed.

56. Visited the Great Wall of China - not YET.

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class - not YET.

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching - not YET.

63. Got flowers for no reason -  D is good like that - he sometimes hand picks em for me on dog walks in the summer.

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp - been meaning to go at some point.  It will be a very emotional experience for me, as my grandmother was in Auschwitz and has the tattoo still.

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - my mother saved EVERYTHING.  I just brought a ton of it home and now am wondering if I should keep em or give em away.  Kind of want to keep at least all the books for my own kids....

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt - currently knitting squares to make a woolen quilt...

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades - not YET but D is dying to.

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone- I am a huge clutz.  Was even more of a clutz when younger.  Broken many bones.

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating- does fish count?

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life - when I working at a day camp a kid almost drowned and I pulled him out and did CPR.

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous - Amanda Marshall - her mom worked at my high school.

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby :( :( :( :( :(

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit - UGH. Am now.....


98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee - and am allergic to em!  Had to give myself an epi-shot on a canoe trip once.  That really sucked.


Well! I have actually done quite a few cool things! Mind you, most of the European stuff I've done I don't fully remember, I was so young, but I have the pics to prove I was there....MUST go back soon though.  

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Midnight (Insomnia)

 

Late night whispers of 

inspiration 

leave their breath on my fingertips while I 

{try to} sleep

Their moist breath 

lingers 

only for a moment before they flee

Leaving me 

wordless, 

thoughtless, 

careless.

In the morning when I wake
Alas

Only echoes of words 

heard, 

thought, 

dreamed,

Dance in my early morning blur

And laugh

At my silence.

I'M ANGRY!!! please love me.... NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

I've been having a bit of a mood crisis in the last couple of days.

It's not something new, it's a demon I've been living with for pretty much my whole life.  It appears, it disappears, it appears, it disappears - it's starting to seem like my own misery gets sick of me and goes for a vacation from time to time.

This time, this crisis of mood  is coming at inopportune timing.   Generally when this feeling creeps in and starts to take over my (attempt at a) zen-ish brain I immediately start doing stuff.
Stuff to distract me from the growing unease, the unexplained anger, the darkness.
New stuff - signing up for classes at the local college, joining a new gym or class at the old  gym, trying to meet new musical com-padres to collaborate with on my vocal ventures and experiments...

This time I'm having issues doing those things.  Any of them - all of them.  None of them are getting me anywhere because I am simply too achy or down in the dumps and thus lacking the motivation required for diving into something new.

And thus I'm here, talking to you, my tweeps and blogles, whining in a most unbecoming way, which is starting to seem like an (unattractive) habit.

In a blatant attempt to try and make my misery (anger?) seem more interesting, something that someone would want to read about, and also to try to identify with someone other than a past version of myself, I am once again reaching out to Ani for inspiration, comfort and a l'il bit of good ol' venting.



And there, in an angry outburst of carefully planned melodies and words, is how I feel.

Pretty much to a 't'.

So now, the question that I'm mulling on, and now throwing out into the universe...

How do I switch it off? If I'm too physically stuck(sick?) to be able to vacate the area  (and generally by vacating I am thus shoving my negative feelings and emotional baggage under the carpet in my living room)...what am I to do?
Has anyone else been in this kind of predicament?  

Insight will be greatly appreciated, and good insight will be revered.

Writers Block

Well, I've got writer's block again.  I thought to myself - what do my Tweeps & blogles wanna read? I'm really not sure! I thought the Ani stuff would be big... but alas, only 4 comments on those two posts combined so far...

Then I thought... I'll do a zoo post! But ya'll already know what pets I have.
And it just doesn't seem that interesting right now. Plus, I'd have to dig out pictures. And it's only fair to show ya'll some of the crazy animals we've had in the past as well - so that'll be a post for another day on which I am a bit more inspired.

So, instead, here I am, babbling away, blogging about writer's block.

What are your techniques for battling the dreaded "empty head" syndrome?
Do you get down-in-the-dumps like I do when you can't think of a good blog posting?

(my train of thought when this happens... "I must be useless. I must be boring! Why am I even bothering? I should go back to bed.)

But THEN.... THEN my dear tweets & blogles.... I remember all of you. And I realize... I can't be THAT boring... there are people following me! And reading my randomness! So I pull myself out of my self-pitying duvet-encased cave and write.

And today, I am writing about nothing.

Nothing, nothing nothing.

Sorry to disappoint you, my tweets &blogles.  Even the insanely-sane NaVe has brain farts.
And, occasionally, like this morning, an empty head. 


Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!