Finding my Happy

Yesterday  I was 'msn'ing' with an old friend. She knows D very well, in fact I know her through him & she also is beginning to know me very well as she has decided to embark on the adventure that one undertakes when becoming my follower on twitter.  She thus has pretty good insight on what's happening in my life, because I'm an open book & she knows the other chapter of my story quite well ;)

She said, very wisely, that my tweets have begun to indicate a fair amount of despair & depression. And that despite the fact that I frequently vent about relationship drama between me & my love, the darkness is most likely coming from the void that I feel OUTSIDE of my relationship.

It's true.  I try to stay positive, hopeful, optimistic, & happy & all that jazz but there's a monster lurking too close to the surface for my comfort.  And try as he might, D can not do anything about it.  This fact alone brings out a not -so-nice aspect of our relationship... him trying, me rejecting him & him then being cold & aggressive because... well, basically I'm being a bitch too.

As a veteran of therapy, both group & individual, I can tell the signs of depression.  I see that I'm in trouble.  I see that I need help.  I see that lack of luster in myself, my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings is getting stronger... but I just am kinda of the mind set that I want to try & use my self-taught skills (and call on some of the skills that I've learned in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - if you're interested in hearing more about this please leave a comment & I will blog about it next!) in conjunction with my newly found twitter support system rather than running back to therapy, or worse still, medication.

What my wise friend suggested was that I make a list. A list of things OUTSIDE my relationship that make me jump for joy. Things that tickle my thoughts.  Things that stimulate my senses. 
I have been happy before, I do experience happiness still & thus, there must be circumstances, things, people, situations, etc. that still make me happy.

So here,  blogles & tweeties, are (some of) my happys!

(I'm gonna be random, start with small things and maybe things that people will find strange... but it's all part of the process! I need to once more learn to take joy in the little pleasures of life!)

~ my cats (duh)
~ Ani Difranco (duh - I said I was starting with the easy things!)
~ composing & recording music.   (need to find a good software for this! SUGGESTIONS? I've used sequel 2, cakewalk & fruityloops, but never understood what I was doing.. need something user friendly! read:dummy-fied) 
~ guitar (need to become more consistent with playing so I don't have to go through the pain of re-developing calluses every single time! what a turn off!) 
~ photography & digitally editing photos
~ reading with tea & kush at Roach-a-rama in Kensington Market (requires me to leave the house & take the transit to go downtown... not that likely at the moment... but still a happy)
~ yoga (need to find some bum-knee friendly yoga - suggestions anyone??)
~ swimming (need to find a public pool nearby for swimming 3x/ week)
~ shopping for fruits & veggies & spices & nuts (productive to my diet too!)
~ shopping in general (though this can get dangerous!)
~ cooking & baking
~ knitting
~ PAINTING (really MISS this one!)
~ mani/pedi
~ bath & wine time (not sure I can swing this in my current apartment... our bathtub SUCKS)
~ journalling/blogging :)

And I think that's all for now! That's actually a pretty good list, if I don't say so myself (which I do!) All of the things on there are things that I enjoyed doing pre-D and kinda stopped doing due to various factors in my current situation... none of which are written in stone, and all of which I can change.
So now, the task at hand is to DO SOMETHING and actually make this list go to good use.  That's the hardest part of it all, 'cuz if you've followed my blog at all, you'll know I"m great at making lists & plans & not so great at the actual execution of things. But here's another shot...

To my Wise friend (one in specific but also, to all my wise friends who are reading!)  please remember, we need to kick each others asses into gear, for who else is in a better position to push you to succeed in finding your happy but your friends?  <3

blargh.

Prepare yourselves.
I'm angry.
I'm sad.
I feel guilty about both of the above.
I'm not sure where the guilt is coming from - story of my life.

This post may be a doozy.

I haven't blogged in a week.  Yesterday was a week since Sessie had to be put down. I have been moping through, trying to be 'normal' ever since.

I even went on a mini-camping trip this weekend, which turned into more of a booze fest/stay up all night like teenagers trip.  Not exactly what the doctor ordered for me.   Not saying it wasn't fun, but now I gotta add recovering from a party weekend to the list of other stuff going on in my mixed up head.

I miss Sess terribly every day. Every time something in my life went wrong she was such a strong support to me.  She was always there through my workdays which more often than not are incredibly frustrating, boring & upsetting. I miss her little voice. She'd so often wake up from a cat nap and say "prrrow?" really softly from her spot on the armrest of the couch right beside where I do most of my work.  I really miss that.  It reminded me to breath sometimes when things are work are just too overwhelming. And I miss having her as a reminder of my life before D.  I feel like I've all but lost the woman I was before. She was the last concrete link.

I have been withdrawing (other than on Saturday night when I was quite outgoing in my smirnoff ice induced mood).  My tweeties may or may not have noticed that I'm kinda quiet. (For a change...) I don't know what to say!  Everything that comes out of my mouth feels like a complaint, and since I know so many people on Twitter who are going through such hard times I would rather be a supporter than a complainer. 

But I don't really know how at the moment.  Nothing feels good.  Everything feels faked, forced, frusterating.  And my fuse is extremely short.  EXTREMELY.  Like.. maybe non-existent.  Don't light a match around me. I'll blow.

Today when D got back from work we were short with each other.  And now he's gone out for the evening leaving me to stew.  This is a very bad bad thing. I don't stew well.

I've been trying to throw myself into work but it's frustrating knowing that I have no financial control or freedom, despite my immense responsibility to this company. I am resentful. This makes me not want to work, but the thought of having free time to think is terrifying me.

All in all - I'm pretty toxic at the moment. 
And in an effort to not toxify you, my dear readers, I will say goodbye now and hope that the next time I write I'll be a little (or a lot!! Fingers crossed!) aggravated.

Girlfriends

As you know I've been stuck in bed for days.
Yesterday I ventured out only to realize that walking around in the state that I'm in, even if just down the elevator to the car, is a BAAAAD idea, so today I'm back to couch city.  But today I don't have my faithful man servant by my side (*sob*) and thus I have been fending for my self this morning.  

What a miserable state of affairs.  I hobble.  I moan.  I whine.

I'm actually really glad to be home alone 'cuz I'm so embarassed about my baby-ish behaviour.

But seriously?  Hand foot mouth disease BITES THE BIG ONE.
It's painful.  It's itchy.  It's hot. It's cold. 
I sound like a man.

And the whole time I just keep thinking....
DAMN I wish I still had a best friend.  

Some of you know that I have recently shed a toxic friendship with a woman I was close with for a few years.  This is not the relationship I am missing.  I am actually rather relieved to be rid of the drama.   But seeing as how I don't feel like I can ask my mom to come over and help (she has Multiple Sclerosis and really and truly shouldn't be exposed to my feverish self for her own health's sake) I am really missing the assistance of a female. A girlfriend. D can be wonderful, but sometimes a girlfriend is just needed.
 And there is a girlfriend who wants to help.  A girlfriend who could help.  A girlfriend who has helped me before. 

Here's the problem.  D hates her.   See, he has known her a lot longer than I have.  And has known her through different phases in her life.   Phases she isn't proud of.  Phases I'm glad I wasn't around for.   She's still kind of a party girl, but that's part of what I love so much about her.  She's fun.  But she's more serious now than the girl that D remembers.  She's a mom now.   And though, I'll admit, she's still not the most responsible person I know, she's definitely a far cry from what D claims her to be. 

We used to be really close, before D and I moved in together.   I'm not proud to admit it, but I let my relationship with D come before my friendship with her.  In the last several months I have been trying to rectify that fact, and she is more than happy to have our friendship back - at least a little bit.  And I feel lucky that she's not holding a grudge.  But then again, I'm not sure if I"m being naive in thinking that she's just happy to be in contact again 'cuz she likes me - D seems to think it's because she wants to use me. 

We were supposed to see each other for the first time in almost 2 years this past Tuesday, but as I got sick I had to cancel.  She was totally understanding and since then has been texting me every day to ask if I need anything, or even just want company.  I told her I was contagious and didn't want her or her daughter to catch it from me - she said she'd wear a mask or just stay a short time to bring me stuff.  Doesn't sound like someone who wants to use me - but I don't know who to trust.  If you've read my tweets over the last few days you'll know that I really could use someone's help right now.  D is so busy with work, and so am I, that I haven't fully been able to rest and try to recover from the HFMD.

So I'm left with this dilemma.  My initial thoughts were that I would become friends with her, but as D didn't feel comfortable with her in our home, I would limit our friendship to coffee and outings away from my apartment.  But now that I've been sick, and she's being so kind, I'm so tempted to ask her to come over.  But I don't want D to be upset about the whole scenario.  And I don't want to use her. 

Has anyone been faced with something like this before?
I'm so torn.  I can't decide if I shed the friendship under false pretenses or whether I was correct in listening to D's words of advice.
And now I'm left wondering - am I revisiting this friendship because I'm lonely and want a girlfriend to hang out with?  Or do I really miss the girlfriend in question? And is she worth stirring up a conflict within my relationship with D?

I really know how to keep things complicated! Never a dull moment over here in the nutshell...

BAHHHHH!!!

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was so calm,
so level headed, so EFFECTIVE last night.
I started a conversation with D in the car that I've been meaning to have for MONTHS. 

And I did it well. I did myself proud. 
All the way through the evening. 

And I had some difficult things to say.  Namely:

1. His tone of voice is a total kill joy.  I get cranky just hearing that tone sometimes. It really sucks because it puts my mood instantly into pissy-ville and then things just escalate from there.

And at times it can be a total turn off.  The second part of that was the hardest to say because it involves our sex life, and it's really really really difficult for me to be completely honest with him about that aspect of our relationship. He's very sensitive and I struggle with how to talk to him about some of the issues I'm having. This feels so taboo even to write in my blog. But I vowed that when I started writing this I would be open, honest and totally exposed.  I've struggled with this notion in the last little while and am amending it slightly because of some tweets I've seen lately.  Am starting to feel a bit insecure about how open I am, but I don't want to lose that part of my blog so I'm making an effort here.  A big one.  But baby steps.... more about this in another post.

and...

2. He is a horrible boss. Let me explain.
I am so afraid of the spring in a sense.  I know my tweets often express a desperate need for spring to return and work to start again.  I was really looking forward to this spring in particular though because we were planning on having me not work for him anymore.  But those plans are quickly unraveling before my eyes, so now I'm kind of afraid of spring because he's such a bad boss. He's rude, ignorant, places blame without hearing both sides, and he's completely ungrateful. I've had some bad bosses, but at least I didn't have to sleep with them!!! We've been driving each other crazy this winter being together 24/7 but if I have to work for him again this spring I don't know if we'll survive the season and still love each other.  This scares the shit out of me because as you saw in my Utopia Rules post from last night, we really have a vision together for our future. I don't know what I'd do without that plan.


But despite how difficult and touchy the subjects were, I did well, WE did well... went off without a hitch (and actually resulted in a little bit of BD, which has been really sporadic and infrequent lately! Ya ya!) 

And then... this morning.   I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, I'm up and down all over the place lately.  All he did was say he had a head ache.  I was about to wake and vape cuz my fibro is still bitching and he said he couldn't (well, he was kinda nasty about it I guess, in retrospect...but still, didn't warrant my reaction and my cold shoulder which he fully told me really really bothered him last night) and now he's at his mom's house and I'm feeling shitty cuz I really just want things to be good.

I'm a cranky, always-sick bitchy wifey and I'm pretty tired of it.  The only places my positivity and kindness seems to shine through is online and sometimes sometimes with our friends, or my family. Never with him anymore.

OK. Pity party over.... when he comes home I'm going to make a real effort to be sweet and see what happens.

Input is always welcome (especially on my touchy topics like this).  I believe that our community of women is a powerful source of support and it makes me feel not so alone, as I've said so many times in the past.

Overlaping on Valentine's Day

 So, today is Valentine's Day.

I typically have a hard time on V-Day - always have.  When I was in high school I never got a "Valentine-o-gram" like everyone else (the boys and girls schools would have booths set up the week leading up to v-day and you could buy these little packages for guys at your brother school and vice versa).




My boyfriends have always seemed to be really nonchalant about Valentine's Day as well - I don't know how a romantic sap like me keeps winding up with men who don't have a romantic bone in their bodies.

But this year I have made up my mind. I will have a good Valentine's Day. And, as my post from yesterday reminded me, I looked to Ani to refresh my romantic feelings and lovey-dovey ness towards D.

There are a bunch of Ani songs that I identify with this relationship of mine.  Some when I'm in an angry mood, some if I'm sad, and a lot when I'm happy too.  This one in particular rings really true to me. It's the ringtone on my cell when D calls. It's the song I listen to when I have qualms/fears/doubts about why I'm still here.

Here are the lyrics:

"Overlap"

I search your profile
for a translation
I study the conversation
like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking,
no, I'm not done looking yet

each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no,
I'm not done looking yet

I build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
I suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the backround, I guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

I build each one of my days out of hope
and I give that hope your name
and I don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no, I'm not done looking yet

I seach your profile for a translation
I study the conversation like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap

Here's a video with a recorded version of the song...





Here's an amazing video - same song but live.  She's better live than on CD I think. I always feel so connected to her when I'm in her audience. Sorry for the repetition, but she's so amazing live, and I love the casual way this video begins.




I hope you enjoyed, and I wish you all a very very Happy Valentine's Day!
For my single readers - one thing I like about Valentine's Day is that you can have more than one Valentine when you're single! Valentine it up today! Make your BFF your Valentine. Or find one of those "lock&key" Valentine parties at a club & live it up! :D



Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Too little to leave out... a post-post update.

I thought some of you who had been dedicated enough to read all three parts of Too Much for Words would like an update on today's visit....  and if you haven't read - you can read part one, part two and part three by clicking on em.

Today's visit was actually really good!

My uncle felt decent enough to be put into a chair so we wheeled him down to this atrium area in the hospital where there is a weekly concert on Sundays.
 He was tired but said he enjoyed the music and company.
No drama, no fuss.

I feel (physically) like ab-so-lute SHITE right now... lotsa walking/standing up...
but my heart feels happy.Well - happy-er anyways.

Guess this is what doing the "right" thing feels like.

ps. to those of you who read/commented on parts one, two or three,  thank you so much for reaching out!  You are the reason blogging (and tweeting) has become my new favourite hobby!

Shrinking Famous People

While at Blockbuster the other day, my eye, invariably trained for movies about the human condition, fell upon the newest Kevin Spacey movie, Shrink.

I hadn't actually heard of the movie (since I'm stuck under a cable-less rock at the moment) but I am so glad that I picked it up.

It's actually very fitting with my post on private school cliques, and how they determined success, both in high school and after. 

I was always in wondrous amazement at how the most popular, most successful girls at my school were the hardest partiers, the most precautions drinkers, the smokers, the snorters, the ne'er do good-ers.  This movie really reinforced my thoughts that the (easiest/most traveled) road to fame and fortune really is lined with booze and narcotics.   Unlike many other films that have glorified this type of life, Shrink does a phenomenal job of showing the limelight in a much darker sense.

Kevin Spacey is an L.A. psychiatrist, far from the picture of health. His pull towards a half-baked life is fueled by questions that he doesn't know how to face.  He does in fact  help  troubled people find peace, but in the process his most dangerously troubled (and REAL) patient shows him the way back from the deluded lifestyle of his Hollywoodite patients. He learns with his patients (in particular this hard up young girl who is faced with the same type of disquieting grief as he is) and this sort of 'parallel' learning allows him to become more in tune with his work and with his short-comings.

In an intricately woven web of seemingly unconnected characters, this movie portrays the darker side of the glamour that embodies the essence of Hollywood. But despite it's somber nature the movie left me with a feeling of hope for us "normal people".

If only more of our world's youth could realize the huge pitfalls in idolizing and imitating the famous.  This movie does a good job of showing what's behind the Hollywood facade - and honestly, it's not so plastic-surgery-perfect.
Behind the botox faces and implanted bosoms are some seriously sad & fucked up people - just like the rest of us.

Who am I?

Things are pretty much back to normal now (thank goodness) so now I can get to some of the posts I have been scheming up in my head but was too scatter-brained to actually write down

Ok - so,  cliques.  Totally  high school right?   So how come, even though I am almost 30 years old, and starting to worry I may not be able to identify with my teenage children, when I finally have them... how come am I still dealing with it all now?!?!?!   I was always hoping that it would pass, as adolescence did, as did early university years, my early 20's and... my more innocent days.   But here it is - constantly and consistantly staring me in the face.

Mainly from out of  facebook's html frames.

I have expressed, in numerous tweets, how I will NEVER go on facebook, ever again. Even D reminded me about 15 min ago (as I hastily checked a fb email from a friend I knew back in elementary school, who tagged me in a pic of me when I was about 9 yrs old.  GREAT.) that I swore - NEVER AGAIN!  One too many pregnancy announcements, storybook weddings, fairytale vacations, and ab-so-fucking-lutely one to many of "those girls" on my list.   (for those twitter amigas and amigos who wanted to exchange facebook's with me - there you have it... the reason why I won't).

I went to a highly prestigious, very  competititve, all girls private school.  I started there in gr. 7 and did 5 years (fast-tracked and did 6 years in 5, which pretty much drove me to insanity!) And, as a result of being in  this environment during some of the more formative years of my life, my facebook is now filled with high acheiving, mostly quite wealthy, women - who all started IN EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE THAT I DID worked hard to get where they are.

Ok- so let me step back a moment and say - I really do believe that all my high school girlfriends worked extremely hard to get where they got.  And despite the fact that I have my moments of insane jealousy (which helps the muse fusing this particular post), I know that I too, if I had made different choices (some of them haven't really felt like choices) and basically, if I had led a different post-high school life, I too could have been in their shoes.  Or at least closer.  Some had a lot more advantages than I did - my parents had to work really hard to put me through that type of school - and they never let me forget it, nor did I have things handed to me.

But I worked god damn hard too. I had horrid jobs, I started from scratch, without help from my parents, or anyone really... and even when I was at my lowest points mentally&emotionally  I still supported myself and was never homeless or starving. Or into hard drugs.   It's not fair that  some of the choices I made due to my (now past) mental illness are now coming back to bite me in the ass every time I "login"....

I want to be able to travel to different destinations around the world every year (or every few months!)
(I have travelled quite a bit in my life, but not at all in the last 10 years)
I want to have beautiful pictures of family and friends dressed up to celebrate my wedding.
(I am really learning the "art and skill" involved in being a wife - which is why I call D my DH... but we are still just common-law husband & wife)
I want to have proud new mommy pictures and turn my fb page into an online shrine for my child (with the odd pic of me in the mix at some point)
(well.... we all know the lovely long infertiliy story that goes behind this one)

and so... longer story made shorter.... I am still not in the right "clique".
I'm not a mom.
I'm not a carefree spirit roaming the earth trying to find myself, or at the very least, make things better.
I'm not even techically a wife.

So who am I?

I'm not sure... but the woman whom I find when I finally figure that out, I'm sure that she'll be stronger for having asked these types of questions.
And I do try to help the earth in what measly ways I can - I recycle, when I do work as a decorator I try to use only eco-friendly products/manufacturers, I used to ride my bike everywhere (pre fibromyalgia & endometriosis)...and I plan to use cloth diapers when my TTC dream is finally realized...
So I'm not that bad, from what I do already know :p

Final thought?   Even in our darkest hours, there is a lesson learned.  No regret, no looking back, move forward and things will enivitably be as they should be*.

*a lesson I learned (but am still trying to LIVE) when I was in dialectical behavior therapy.   I used it as a mantra for a while.   It helped me.

The Calm after the storm...

Please pardon me if I'm depressing today.  The last few days have been excruciatingly difficult.  
If you are following me on Twitter you know that I had a relationship meltdown on Thursday night, and D left the house for a while.  Things are a bit better now but I'm still recovering.
Between the arguing, the quitting smoking (both of us @ the same time, and cold turkey), and with time off of infertility treatments (the only thing stable and positive that I was focused on before..... 
I feel like too many things in my life are just too negative.   

My uncle's situation in palliative care is going from bad to worse, and as bad as this sounds, there is no relief in sight for him or for us.   I miss having a normal family life - we haven't had any good times since last spring.

My health is going from bad to worse - probably because I'm so depressed and barely ever want to leave the house. 

If it wasn't for Twitter right now I would be totally and completely isolated.
Sounds so pathetic when I type it out.

I stopped talking to the only close girlfriend I had about 2 months ago because she was completely incapable of comforting me, but expected me to consistantly come to her rescue.  I am too tired to rescue someone else, and too tired to entertain someone who calls, leaves a voicemail saying she wants to "catch up" and then says absolutely NOTHING when I call to chat.  If I wanted to hear myself speak I would talk to my cats. 
I'm actually pretty relieved that I am not speaking with her.  My frusteration levels would go through the roof every time I called her in the last little while.

I can't understand people who WANT to be depressed.  I spend every day that I am depressed trying NOT to be - and trying to plan activities (even though at the moment they are mostly  within my home) to keep busy and not stay sitting like a lump on the couch.(I'm all for marathon couching, sometimes, but you can't do that all the time all day long!)   She did not do the same, nor did she encourage or try to participate in any of the stuff that I was trying to plan.  She just wanted to sit on her porch smoking cigarettes all day long - and even when I told her I was quitting, she could not respect that fact and would still constantly bring up smoking when we talked. And if I were to come over, she still wanted to sit on the porch smoking cigarettes all day.   Same thing happens with emotional cutting.  I haven't done it in years, but she constantly still does it.  I asked her to please not talk to me about it, she has a great therapist and I feel that those things are better discussed there - especially since I told her that I  felt quite triggered and had to work very hard not to fall back into old habits when she would describe her cutting to me.  The same thing would happen if she decided to overdose on her medications.  I have had issues with that in the past as well, and am doing my best to stay away from that kind of harmful behavior.  Sure there are nights when I wish I could just down 5 sleeping pills and knock out for the whole night (normally I sleep maybe 1-2 hours and then wake up).   I don't need that kind of temptation. Or lack of support. 

Despite the fact that I am relieved to be rid of that particular frusteration, I am still missing female contact.  I think that if I had more girlfriends I wouldn't feel so desperately sad about some of the things I'm lacking in my romantic life.  Plus I'd probably have a more realistic view on what a romantic relatiionship is really like, 'cuz right now I compare our life to that which I see in the movies... and, lets face it, that's probably enough to make anyone depressed.  

I'm not giving up on my happiness though.  I don't know what it's going to take to get there - but I'll figure it out eventually. 

I can see the light!

It's there.  The glimmer of excitment, the spark of motivation, the beginning of my next positive wave.  I'm starting to see it in the distance.  

In retrospect - could this past episode of extended darkness have been off-clomid (therefore disguised in a cloak of soul shattering doubt) PMS?  I can be  moody but it doesn't generally linger on and on for days at a time....

Who knows.  Who gives a fuck.  I'm just glad that I can see the end now.

To my followers who stayed through (and read about ) my dark & depressing few days - THANKS!   I appreciate the support more than you know.

Ok - so on to more interesting things.

Today I did an impulsive but albeit very profitable and mood-lifting thing.
D and I went to the Peanut Plaza to get some stuff from the dollar store (mainly an old school corded phone which will work better with our Magic Jack than a cordless. *sidenote, if you don't have a MagicJack and you call people long distance.... GET ONE!  $20.00 a year.   Unlimited.  Need I say more!...)....

But I digress...

Beside the dollar store is this hole-in-the-wall herbal tea/supplement store.  I've never gone inside before - much preferring the brightly lit isles of the local GNC Stores, or even my Shopper Drugmart has a pretty good selection nowadays... but today, I went in. 

The man in there was so helpful, knew exactly what I wanted/needed before I had even finished saying "infertility, endometriosis, fibromyalgia".  And I got some stuff for D too- maybe his horrid eating habits can be slightly improved if I force vitamins down his throat.    In the end I wound up only spending $60.00 and I got prenatal vitamins for me, multi vitamins for D and L-Arginine for D as well.   And he also had 2 chinese herbal vitamins I had been looking for - Ho Shou Wu Tablets and Angelica Compound Tablets.  Fantastic!  I was so ecsctatic I can't even explain it in words.  Like, jump up and down in front of the shy, quiet store man ecstatic. 

We are seasonal workers, meaning we don't operate full time in the winter, and we pretty much put ourselves in the poor house at the fertility clinic.  A one month cycle of Clomid, trigger shot & progesterone, not including the reccomended vitamins for D cost over $500 at the clinic! Not included the reccomended IUI's (which we haven't been able to afford to do yet. Hoping to in the spring)  The worst thing was that those treatments didn't even have any hope of improving the reasons behind our infertility problems.  And the fact that I am in a ridiculous amount of pain and can't work, or function, makes me kinda sorta wanna know... WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!?!  The whole reason I went to the clinic in the first place was the pain & obvious issues with my menstral cycle.  And my fertility doctor just is not interested solving those issues.   She just wants me preggo.  And don't get me wrong, I want that too, but I have issues (physical and emotional) that needed resolving first.   She was initially supposed to have been operating on me to just to see if I had endometriosis, and the next thing I knew I was on Clomid & in the middle of a battle with time for my future child. 

This more hollistic approach to gaining back my fertility just may be the key to my worries.   It gives me time to resolve some of the issues within my relationship with D so that episodes of doubt  like the last one don't have to happen.

If anyone has ever taken any of the Chinese Herbal Medicine tablets I mentioned  before, I'd REALLY love to hear from you! Positive or negative experiences.   I am trying these things because we can't afford to do medical treatment at the moment.   I have no clue if they work but I'm more than willing to try.  I've been trying my best to stay "herbal" for the last several years.  I would be so blissfully happy if I managed to get preggo via Chinese Herbal Medicine vs. more invasive Western Medical techniques.  

I leave you now to work on a new blog I am starting - going to leave you with a bit of mystery, but I promise, I will reveal all soon! 

Oh! And leave some comments, will ya?  I tore my hair out this afternoon fixing my layout, and I certainly hope that it fixed any comment posting issues.    :) 

The Darkness Continues...

Today has been a really really dark day for me.  And before I even get really into this post I'll say this:
Readers be prepared, I'm emotional, full of doubt, unleashed and I'm coming straight at ya.

As some of you know, I've been in and out of bad relationships for the last several years.  I really and truly thought that the one that I'm currently in was "it" ... or is "it"... I'm so mixed up right now I don't even know what tense to be using.   There were all the stereotypical "signs" that we are meant to be, all the feelings, all the "right" milestones coming along at the "right" times... and then this came.  This darkness or depression that always seems to come to any romantic relationship I've ever been in.    Which generally leads me to believe that I am the one at fault.

It always creeps in, reminding me that I've never really been blissfully happy.  Even as a child I felt this shadow that clouded my happiness.   And as I've grown into adulthood, I realize that even though this is a problem that is all  mine, and not the other person's, it is not my fault.   I don't know what it is that is in me to make me feel this way, but it's there, and I'm sick of pretending that it isn't.

Having said that, however, I am also acutely aware of the fact that certain people bring this melancholic tendancy out of me, and certain people help me to get past it.  And the thing that I've gotten stuck on now is that I am so afraid that the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, the man I'm desperately trying to have children with, is in fact the first out of those two types of people.   And I'm so scared and sad now.

I am honestly starting to feel that he doesn't actually love "me"... but instead the concept of me and who I could be.  The idea that I presented, nice and neat, in a package just for him.  He hadn't tried to get me, I tried to get him.  And I was in a dfferent mental state at the time, so motivated, so physically healthy, so.... inspired.  I don't feel like I am any of those things anymore.   And I am starting to notice signs that he doesn't think so anymore either.   And I'm fucking scared shitless of what that means.

Is this relationship really going to be another epic NaVe Fail?   I can't accept that reality.   My last 2 serious relationships were just that... but those were abusive, manipulating men... this one isn't.... right?  Usually when I've felt like this, it was the wake up call, the signal to exit.   I don't even see an exit this time. I never planned to exit.  I never planned for any of this.

But I don't want to give up.

Rocky Road... and not the tasty kind.

I've been feeling really funny lately.
Like something is missing; I've forgotten an important birthday, missed an appointment, forgotten to renew my drivers license... something is askew.

Today I figured out what it is. 

I am missing the drive & motivation that came with our actively trying to conceive.

I don't  mean to say that we aren't "trying" right now (still doing our 'baby dance' on a regular, sperm motivating & inducing rate), but I am on a clomid break.   Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that this break has not been an easy one so far.   I haven't seen a substantial difference in  my crazy night sweats, extreme fatigue, depression and most importantly the good ol' clomid rage.  

To be honest, I am not 100% sure that my freak outs are clomid rage related.  Winter is always a hard time for me, especially in the last couple of years.  My guy and I run a home-maintenance business from home so winter time means that he is home with me all day.  Every day.  Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces, but 24/7 exposure can be too much even in the best of circumstances.  And we also just quit smoking. Together.

So now I'm faced with this question:  Am I getting mad at him for reasons that are justified? 
Or am I just raging?

Normally I try to not overanalyze these kinds of  things to the extreme.  Of course I do a little, but I try to not drive myself insane about the source of my emotions.   But in this case I'm really perplexed.   If I am indeed justified in my anger, that puts a whole series of doubts & questions into my head that I just really try not to think about most of the time.  In particular: "should I be trying so hard to have a baby with a man that I get so frusterated with?" 

And to add into my mix of confusion, I've been given a time limit on my fertility that I was really really not expecting.  Is that a good enough reason?  I'm meant to be a mother, and have known that pretty much since I got my first period.  Is that a good enough reason? Do I want to have a baby with the thought that that baby may wind up growing up in a split up home in the back of my head? I know I could be a single mom, and a great one, but do I want to do that "knowingly"?  

I know that ups and downs in relationships are normal, so I often pasify myself with this knowledge. 
But that knowledge is not doing much for me in the last week or so.  I find myself daily questioning where I am, why I'm here and if I should be making a change or not.  

I almost wish that I was on the clomid so that I could explain away all these questions and blame it on being hormonal...

And right now I'm actually grateful for one of the complaints that I've had about hubby lately - the fact that he doesn't read this blog made it much easier to be totally open & honest!