Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rocky Road... and not the tasty kind.

I've been feeling really funny lately.
Like something is missing; I've forgotten an important birthday, missed an appointment, forgotten to renew my drivers license... something is askew.

Today I figured out what it is. 

I am missing the drive & motivation that came with our actively trying to conceive.

I don't  mean to say that we aren't "trying" right now (still doing our 'baby dance' on a regular, sperm motivating & inducing rate), but I am on a clomid break.   Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that this break has not been an easy one so far.   I haven't seen a substantial difference in  my crazy night sweats, extreme fatigue, depression and most importantly the good ol' clomid rage.  

To be honest, I am not 100% sure that my freak outs are clomid rage related.  Winter is always a hard time for me, especially in the last couple of years.  My guy and I run a home-maintenance business from home so winter time means that he is home with me all day.  Every day.  Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces, but 24/7 exposure can be too much even in the best of circumstances.  And we also just quit smoking. Together.

So now I'm faced with this question:  Am I getting mad at him for reasons that are justified? 
Or am I just raging?

Normally I try to not overanalyze these kinds of  things to the extreme.  Of course I do a little, but I try to not drive myself insane about the source of my emotions.   But in this case I'm really perplexed.   If I am indeed justified in my anger, that puts a whole series of doubts & questions into my head that I just really try not to think about most of the time.  In particular: "should I be trying so hard to have a baby with a man that I get so frusterated with?" 

And to add into my mix of confusion, I've been given a time limit on my fertility that I was really really not expecting.  Is that a good enough reason?  I'm meant to be a mother, and have known that pretty much since I got my first period.  Is that a good enough reason? Do I want to have a baby with the thought that that baby may wind up growing up in a split up home in the back of my head? I know I could be a single mom, and a great one, but do I want to do that "knowingly"?  

I know that ups and downs in relationships are normal, so I often pasify myself with this knowledge. 
But that knowledge is not doing much for me in the last week or so.  I find myself daily questioning where I am, why I'm here and if I should be making a change or not.  

I almost wish that I was on the clomid so that I could explain away all these questions and blame it on being hormonal...

And right now I'm actually grateful for one of the complaints that I've had about hubby lately - the fact that he doesn't read this blog made it much easier to be totally open & honest!

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