A quick update...

I've been so bad at blogging lately.
I'm sorry - I hope you haven't missed my nonsense too much! :P
I'm planning to make a big come back once our work season starts again (Spring)....

Some of the reasons I've been so busy are:

1. WE ARE TTC AGAIN!!!! WOOOOHHOOOOO! 
This month was our return to Clomid, and it went a lot smoother than Cycles 1-3 in 2009.   I think having the mental preparation of what would happen with the introduction of all these hormones was a HUGE help.   March 6th (my Dirty Thirty!) marks the end of this year's first two week wait, and I'm encouraged by all the 'good omens' that have happened on this cycle  (I ovulated on Canadian Family Day, and my birthday is the end of the 2ww)

2. My grandma is in hospital.  This requires a lot of co-ordinating meal times with my parents so that someone familiar is there at every meal.  It's been a struggle, but seeing her sit up to eat, and hearing that my dad and her went for a jaunt around the ward after 3 weeks of her being bed-ridden, makes me so happy.
She's going to be 88 this August and she is probably the strongest and most indestructable woman I know! She survived the Holocaust, breast cancer twice, had a tumour removed from her brain at 84, almost died due to complications from the anti-biotics, and now she's pulling through again!  I'm so proud of her. 

3. Trying to get life on track is time consuming!
Doing yoga has been taking a lot of my (used to be) internet-surfing/tv watching/ tweeting time... though in the last week I sort of fell of the bandwagon (progesterone suppository side effects are NO FUN!) but before that I was doing well, daily practice. If you want to view some of the flow's I've been enjoying you can do so HERE.  I'd love to hear that my meager little attempt at getting in shape has inspired others - it give me such a motivation boost!
Eating better is more time consuming as well, what with the veggie chopping, fish seasoning and rice boiling.  It's been an uphill battle with my junk food addiction, and I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm seeing improvements with the little changes that I'm making & that's really encouraging. 

Another other than that... I'm just waiting for work to start up again (it makes such a huge difference, not only financially but also spiritually, when my days have more structure to them.)

This summer is going to be great- all these steps that D & I are taking towards improving our lives has me so excited! Stay tuned for more frequent blog posts about our progress, both in terms of TTC and also in terms of our new healthier life!

Bloggity blog blog

I feel rather lumpish today, but I'm striving to maintain humourous.
I'm not going to sink into a hole because I hate some bad chicken.
Turned it into a joke on twitter - one of my lovely tweeties asked if I had gotten a BFP (had been tweeting bout puking a lot).... I said no, instead I got VBC (very bad chicken)

Ha.
Ha.

Ok, maybe it's not that funny - but the fact that I am returning to my blog, talking about clomid around the dinner table and shopping for houses makes me think that things are okay for a change.  Despite the fights.  Despite any aggravation.   Life is good. I don't need to compete with other people, I can just relax and know that everything will happen in it's due time.  

The weddings & pregnancies of late have taken a toll on my mind & emotional state but I mainain:

Life is good.  

Even though I spent last night with my head in a toilet bowl.

My Newest Distraction

I've been kind of out of circulation on Twitter today and yesterday because, in addition to my severe Dexter addiction, I have also re-started an old project that I began when I first quit smoking about 7-8 weeks ago. (so kicking myself in the pants for not noting that exact date now! I really didn't think that it would stick... ) I knew right off that I would need to find something to do with my hands (keep your mind outta the gutter, people!) so I started knitting a baby blanket. 

Now, since I am on a Clomid break, and not in the full swing of TTCing, because of various reasons (money, identity crisis, to name a couple) I thought I had to change the direction of said blanket. Because it's just depressing me, and remind me of the unsurities that I  am dealing with. 

I have however already purchased a great array of wool, suited to a baby (boy or girl colours) and have already thought up the scheme for it.

So, while I am not twittering, I am making a blanket that is, or is not, for my future baby. And if it has to sit, along with my secret IKEA baby blanket, stashed away in the back corner of my linen closet, so be it.  At least I'll be ready - and it kind of makes me feel pro-active again.   Like, ok, so we're broke, and I can't be on Clomid, or do the trigger shots, or the progesterone after... but I CAN eat better, continue to not smoke(which the knitting TOTALLY helps with by the way), try to excersize ( which I have yet to manage to do- by the time I walk up the big hill out side our building after a dog walk, I'm officially K.O)... and, I CAN make my spirit baby a blanket. 

Pictures to come :)

I can see the light!

It's there.  The glimmer of excitment, the spark of motivation, the beginning of my next positive wave.  I'm starting to see it in the distance.  

In retrospect - could this past episode of extended darkness have been off-clomid (therefore disguised in a cloak of soul shattering doubt) PMS?  I can be  moody but it doesn't generally linger on and on for days at a time....

Who knows.  Who gives a fuck.  I'm just glad that I can see the end now.

To my followers who stayed through (and read about ) my dark & depressing few days - THANKS!   I appreciate the support more than you know.

Ok - so on to more interesting things.

Today I did an impulsive but albeit very profitable and mood-lifting thing.
D and I went to the Peanut Plaza to get some stuff from the dollar store (mainly an old school corded phone which will work better with our Magic Jack than a cordless. *sidenote, if you don't have a MagicJack and you call people long distance.... GET ONE!  $20.00 a year.   Unlimited.  Need I say more!...)....

But I digress...

Beside the dollar store is this hole-in-the-wall herbal tea/supplement store.  I've never gone inside before - much preferring the brightly lit isles of the local GNC Stores, or even my Shopper Drugmart has a pretty good selection nowadays... but today, I went in. 

The man in there was so helpful, knew exactly what I wanted/needed before I had even finished saying "infertility, endometriosis, fibromyalgia".  And I got some stuff for D too- maybe his horrid eating habits can be slightly improved if I force vitamins down his throat.    In the end I wound up only spending $60.00 and I got prenatal vitamins for me, multi vitamins for D and L-Arginine for D as well.   And he also had 2 chinese herbal vitamins I had been looking for - Ho Shou Wu Tablets and Angelica Compound Tablets.  Fantastic!  I was so ecsctatic I can't even explain it in words.  Like, jump up and down in front of the shy, quiet store man ecstatic. 

We are seasonal workers, meaning we don't operate full time in the winter, and we pretty much put ourselves in the poor house at the fertility clinic.  A one month cycle of Clomid, trigger shot & progesterone, not including the reccomended vitamins for D cost over $500 at the clinic! Not included the reccomended IUI's (which we haven't been able to afford to do yet. Hoping to in the spring)  The worst thing was that those treatments didn't even have any hope of improving the reasons behind our infertility problems.  And the fact that I am in a ridiculous amount of pain and can't work, or function, makes me kinda sorta wanna know... WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!?!  The whole reason I went to the clinic in the first place was the pain & obvious issues with my menstral cycle.  And my fertility doctor just is not interested solving those issues.   She just wants me preggo.  And don't get me wrong, I want that too, but I have issues (physical and emotional) that needed resolving first.   She was initially supposed to have been operating on me to just to see if I had endometriosis, and the next thing I knew I was on Clomid & in the middle of a battle with time for my future child. 

This more hollistic approach to gaining back my fertility just may be the key to my worries.   It gives me time to resolve some of the issues within my relationship with D so that episodes of doubt  like the last one don't have to happen.

If anyone has ever taken any of the Chinese Herbal Medicine tablets I mentioned  before, I'd REALLY love to hear from you! Positive or negative experiences.   I am trying these things because we can't afford to do medical treatment at the moment.   I have no clue if they work but I'm more than willing to try.  I've been trying my best to stay "herbal" for the last several years.  I would be so blissfully happy if I managed to get preggo via Chinese Herbal Medicine vs. more invasive Western Medical techniques.  

I leave you now to work on a new blog I am starting - going to leave you with a bit of mystery, but I promise, I will reveal all soon! 

Oh! And leave some comments, will ya?  I tore my hair out this afternoon fixing my layout, and I certainly hope that it fixed any comment posting issues.    :) 

Rocky Road... and not the tasty kind.

I've been feeling really funny lately.
Like something is missing; I've forgotten an important birthday, missed an appointment, forgotten to renew my drivers license... something is askew.

Today I figured out what it is. 

I am missing the drive & motivation that came with our actively trying to conceive.

I don't  mean to say that we aren't "trying" right now (still doing our 'baby dance' on a regular, sperm motivating & inducing rate), but I am on a clomid break.   Those of you who follow me on Twitter know that this break has not been an easy one so far.   I haven't seen a substantial difference in  my crazy night sweats, extreme fatigue, depression and most importantly the good ol' clomid rage.  

To be honest, I am not 100% sure that my freak outs are clomid rage related.  Winter is always a hard time for me, especially in the last couple of years.  My guy and I run a home-maintenance business from home so winter time means that he is home with me all day.  Every day.  Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces, but 24/7 exposure can be too much even in the best of circumstances.  And we also just quit smoking. Together.

So now I'm faced with this question:  Am I getting mad at him for reasons that are justified? 
Or am I just raging?

Normally I try to not overanalyze these kinds of  things to the extreme.  Of course I do a little, but I try to not drive myself insane about the source of my emotions.   But in this case I'm really perplexed.   If I am indeed justified in my anger, that puts a whole series of doubts & questions into my head that I just really try not to think about most of the time.  In particular: "should I be trying so hard to have a baby with a man that I get so frusterated with?" 

And to add into my mix of confusion, I've been given a time limit on my fertility that I was really really not expecting.  Is that a good enough reason?  I'm meant to be a mother, and have known that pretty much since I got my first period.  Is that a good enough reason? Do I want to have a baby with the thought that that baby may wind up growing up in a split up home in the back of my head? I know I could be a single mom, and a great one, but do I want to do that "knowingly"?  

I know that ups and downs in relationships are normal, so I often pasify myself with this knowledge. 
But that knowledge is not doing much for me in the last week or so.  I find myself daily questioning where I am, why I'm here and if I should be making a change or not.  

I almost wish that I was on the clomid so that I could explain away all these questions and blame it on being hormonal...

And right now I'm actually grateful for one of the complaints that I've had about hubby lately - the fact that he doesn't read this blog made it much easier to be totally open & honest!