F*^#&%$ Positivity!

It's not been easy, but I'm doing it.... I'm sunny.  I'm GD optimistic and cheerful.  Dammit.

Here comes another slightly garbled post though - I'm so sorry! I'll take the decline in comments as a sign that y'all would prefer my normal writing style to return.  I'll send that memo up to my (foggy) brain asap.

Sess has still not (independently) eaten, though I have forced about 4 syringes of wet food and water, and at least 12 zillion of water alone into her... she growls with the food, so I don't do too much.  The maple syrup worked a bit though, I think I noticed the most change in her after starting that regiment. D and I went to the movies today to see Alice in Wonderland (slightly disappointing, not worth a review post) and when we got back she came to drink outta the tub! I tweeted it here.

This makes me (disproportionately?) happy

I am still not sleeping well, though I have taken to falling FAST asleep at around 4 or 5am in the last few nights, meaning that I'm getting a good 3- 4 hours of real sleep, which is an improvement from NONE.   The bad Baycrest dreams are getting shorter.  Appreciated.  Gone would be better.   But I'm being patient.   And trying to stay off the sleeping pills.  I don't wanna get hooked.  Finding a fuzzy comfy fog in a little blue pill every night seems just a wee bit too tempting now-a-days. 

And this morning I woke up with a crick in my neck - I look like a friggin' moron, turning my whole body to look around.

And, other than that, I'm pretty numb.  I'm immersing myself in work as much as possible (having D here instead of out doing the jobs is kind of distracting, but as of the 15th he'll be out doing sales calls, much better for growing our little company.  In my haste to anticipate having my days to myself again once Spring had sprung I forgot that hiring a crew meant that he did not have to work sun up to sun down if he didn't want to.  Right now we only have one vehicle, so he has to stay home with me all day 'till the crew returns.  As of the 15th we'll have two again.  Thank god, or I'd probably... I won't finish that sentence.)

I listened to my uncles songs yesterday and had a good cry... every so often I look up in the sky and look out for birds(wondering why?)...  I'm thinking of uploading some of his music for you all to hear - is that something that would appeal to y'all?  It's not in English but the melodies are gorgeous.  I'm not 100% how to do that without putting 'em on YouTube, or in my sidebar like my songs are, so any tips would be GREATLY appreciated! And I'm gonna get back on the Juri and the Bears Blog.   I think it could be a great support to adults and children alike, who are going through a terminal illness.

And my plans for today? I've got more company organization work to do, customer calling to do...


and more F*ing positivity to radiate.  <3

BAHHHHH!!!

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was so calm,
so level headed, so EFFECTIVE last night.
I started a conversation with D in the car that I've been meaning to have for MONTHS. 

And I did it well. I did myself proud. 
All the way through the evening. 

And I had some difficult things to say.  Namely:

1. His tone of voice is a total kill joy.  I get cranky just hearing that tone sometimes. It really sucks because it puts my mood instantly into pissy-ville and then things just escalate from there.

And at times it can be a total turn off.  The second part of that was the hardest to say because it involves our sex life, and it's really really really difficult for me to be completely honest with him about that aspect of our relationship. He's very sensitive and I struggle with how to talk to him about some of the issues I'm having. This feels so taboo even to write in my blog. But I vowed that when I started writing this I would be open, honest and totally exposed.  I've struggled with this notion in the last little while and am amending it slightly because of some tweets I've seen lately.  Am starting to feel a bit insecure about how open I am, but I don't want to lose that part of my blog so I'm making an effort here.  A big one.  But baby steps.... more about this in another post.

and...

2. He is a horrible boss. Let me explain.
I am so afraid of the spring in a sense.  I know my tweets often express a desperate need for spring to return and work to start again.  I was really looking forward to this spring in particular though because we were planning on having me not work for him anymore.  But those plans are quickly unraveling before my eyes, so now I'm kind of afraid of spring because he's such a bad boss. He's rude, ignorant, places blame without hearing both sides, and he's completely ungrateful. I've had some bad bosses, but at least I didn't have to sleep with them!!! We've been driving each other crazy this winter being together 24/7 but if I have to work for him again this spring I don't know if we'll survive the season and still love each other.  This scares the shit out of me because as you saw in my Utopia Rules post from last night, we really have a vision together for our future. I don't know what I'd do without that plan.


But despite how difficult and touchy the subjects were, I did well, WE did well... went off without a hitch (and actually resulted in a little bit of BD, which has been really sporadic and infrequent lately! Ya ya!) 

And then... this morning.   I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, I'm up and down all over the place lately.  All he did was say he had a head ache.  I was about to wake and vape cuz my fibro is still bitching and he said he couldn't (well, he was kinda nasty about it I guess, in retrospect...but still, didn't warrant my reaction and my cold shoulder which he fully told me really really bothered him last night) and now he's at his mom's house and I'm feeling shitty cuz I really just want things to be good.

I'm a cranky, always-sick bitchy wifey and I'm pretty tired of it.  The only places my positivity and kindness seems to shine through is online and sometimes sometimes with our friends, or my family. Never with him anymore.

OK. Pity party over.... when he comes home I'm going to make a real effort to be sweet and see what happens.

Input is always welcome (especially on my touchy topics like this).  I believe that our community of women is a powerful source of support and it makes me feel not so alone, as I've said so many times in the past.

Please 'scuse my MIA status....

I thought I would take some time on this sunny Monday morning to explain my MIA status on Twitter lately. And my sporadic blog postings. I really do like to make an effort to write every day, but I've been just swamped.   I don't know if it's intentional ( as in, did I intentionally overpack my life so as to run away from the darkness I experienced recently? I don't know) however, my schedule has been insane lately.

Many of you know that I run a home-operated company with D, and that during the winter, our off-season, we are really not that busy.   But in the last week I have felt like we're in mid-November, our highest peak, and running full force - only, making no money at it.   We've been gathering our resources, talking to people, searching our files for letters, receipts, PROOF!  that we don't owe the $5000 that we're being sued for.

So that has been fun.
HAHAHAHA.
Yah.

And we've also become a professional moving team.  Since Wednesday we've been up at my parents house moving furniture around, bringing stuff home (my living room now looks like a memorabilia hall of fame)  On Thursday we packed up and moved, and then unpacked and assembled/put away what was left in my Uncle's condo so that my parents could rent it out.  There was a lot more stuff there than I thought there would be so we had to go back on Friday to finish up......

Then, Saturday was my birthday.... didn't really do much actually.  Got my hair done - I know, I promised pics but it's sticking straight up on end at this moment 'cuz she put product in it (something I never ever do) and I just woke up. But I will show ya a pic of the fab stuff I got. (and the link for the book which is BEAUTIFUL)

And Sunday I did my usual trip to the hospital at noon, and then we went out with my family (including my cousin whom I have never met who flew in from Israel on Sunday morning!Though it's a sad & depressing reason for a visit, I am so glad to be finally meeting her.  She was like a sister to my Mom growing up.)

So, needless to re-iterate, I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and I think I'm paying for it a bit now.  My health (and therefore energy level/endurance abilities) are SUPER diminished.... I think I'm going to have to lay real low today.  But that's good 'cuz hopefully I can catch up on what you all have been doing and writing about in the last few days!  Remember.....


OH YAH! and PS...

Thanks to everyone who voted for the songs! I Love You took the lead. with 61% preferring it to Caution.   Now - the question is.... since I have no money currently to go to a studio to record it... shall I keep the polls open?

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Shrinking Famous People

While at Blockbuster the other day, my eye, invariably trained for movies about the human condition, fell upon the newest Kevin Spacey movie, Shrink.

I hadn't actually heard of the movie (since I'm stuck under a cable-less rock at the moment) but I am so glad that I picked it up.

It's actually very fitting with my post on private school cliques, and how they determined success, both in high school and after. 

I was always in wondrous amazement at how the most popular, most successful girls at my school were the hardest partiers, the most precautions drinkers, the smokers, the snorters, the ne'er do good-ers.  This movie really reinforced my thoughts that the (easiest/most traveled) road to fame and fortune really is lined with booze and narcotics.   Unlike many other films that have glorified this type of life, Shrink does a phenomenal job of showing the limelight in a much darker sense.

Kevin Spacey is an L.A. psychiatrist, far from the picture of health. His pull towards a half-baked life is fueled by questions that he doesn't know how to face.  He does in fact  help  troubled people find peace, but in the process his most dangerously troubled (and REAL) patient shows him the way back from the deluded lifestyle of his Hollywoodite patients. He learns with his patients (in particular this hard up young girl who is faced with the same type of disquieting grief as he is) and this sort of 'parallel' learning allows him to become more in tune with his work and with his short-comings.

In an intricately woven web of seemingly unconnected characters, this movie portrays the darker side of the glamour that embodies the essence of Hollywood. But despite it's somber nature the movie left me with a feeling of hope for us "normal people".

If only more of our world's youth could realize the huge pitfalls in idolizing and imitating the famous.  This movie does a good job of showing what's behind the Hollywood facade - and honestly, it's not so plastic-surgery-perfect.
Behind the botox faces and implanted bosoms are some seriously sad & fucked up people - just like the rest of us.

Being a blogette is hard work! Belated Wordless Wednesday...

I finally got my page looking more the way I want it to.
Geez! Who knew it could take this long?
But I am finding a strange (albeit familiar) sense of accomplishment and satisfaction arising from my newly completed look.
It's a feeling that I haven't felt since my drafting days (for my Interior Decorating Certificate)

Since I'm in that frame of mind, I thought I'd post a late Wordless Wednesday. (In my books it's still Wednesday, even though it's way after midnight... I haven't gone to bed yet, so it must still be the same day!)

Here are some pics of some of the drafting I did in college.

The last image is the one that I use on all my company letterhead and invoices. It is an image I came up with, initially for school, but I got such a good response with it I decided to use it as my logo for my business (on my business cards etc.) as well.

Work is slow right now in the design/decorating world, but I'm hoping to slowly but surely rise in my niche.  With global awareness rising exponentially and trends surrounding eco-friendly lifestyles on the upswing, I'm confident that my earth-friendly, power-saving (read: money-saving!) natural and organic designs will take flight!

At least in the meantime while I wait for the market to improve, I have my writing, and my newfound obsession of perfecting my blogette stylz!