Mumbo, Jumbo & Sad

This post may seem sporadic and un-connected - but that's exactly my state of mind, so it's fitting.

The last week has been a whirlwind, I'm not going to re-cap cuz it's too painful.

If ya'll really wanna know what happened, you can read my last post, or read through my tweets to get a better sense of stuff.

For now, I'm just gonna write. Like you are my diary. 

It's been so weird being at my Mom & Dad's house for so many hours straight in the last few days for Shivah.  I haven't spent that much time there in years. It was the first time that I have been able to do it though, without fleeing home after an hour or two.  I usually get very uncomfortable, so I'm glad that didn't happen this time.

I'm already judging this post - thinking I'm leaving things out, not considering my words enough, not conveying  the 'right' message. But I'm gonna ignore those feelings.

I feel so fragile right now - like any more rocking of my boat will cause me to capsize. And possibly drown.  If not drown, than at least lose all my worldly possessions (my mind) in this wicked and wild sea of life.

I have so much admiration towards my parents' friends.  They have been so supportive. This is supposed to be a good thing, but it has made the sparse network of 'real life' friends that I travel in seem even more useless than it did before. This rocks my boat.

My Sessie cat is not feeling well.  She hasn't moved almost at all in 2 days, and won't eat, and I'm having to force feed water to her to keep her hydrated. And one of D's toxic toads got out, so I don't know if she came into contact with it. He found it in the dogs food dish.
This rattles and rocks my boat.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep without seeing and hearing my uncles last breath. Which means I can't sleep, even when I'm drugged (like last night, when I'd 'wake' from a 1/2 asleep state with odd thoughts in my brain...for example... if I forget the name of the diagnosis they gave my Dad in the hospital, I won't be able to help him if he feels sick again)

This VEHEMENTLY SHAKES my boat.

I'm thinking about the fact that when my parents die, if my network of 'real life' friends is as sparse and frivolous as it is right now I will undoubtedly capsize and sink to the bottom of the sea.

I'm thinking about how people keep telling me that my mother will undoubtedly crash after Shivah is over because she will have such an immense and seemingly unfulfillable void in her heart - and how they look at me like I'm supposed to know what to do is COMPLETELY freaking me out too.

This past week of trying to comfort her, act as her equal in terms of 'hostessing' the shivah house (despite the fact that one is really not supposed to do that in terms of Jewish tradition, but my Mom would not have it any other way) has all but made me bedridden.  I'm not sure how I'm still standing.  My legs and back are throbbing, almost constantly, but I'm so numb.  I can't even cry anymore. 

I keep thinking that I'm heartless because I only cried the day it happened, and the next day at the funeral.  It's like after the funeral I just turned it off somehow and I've been playing the happy hostess since.  But I'm exhausted.  And so not happy.

Ugh. This is enough for tonight.  I can't believe I'm posting something so un-planned, un-thought out, un-edited.

Take it or leave it people, it's all I got right now.

Wordless Wednesday

To honour my Bubby... 

she was so sweet & made the yummiest Matzo Ball's for Passover. 

She's turning 87 this year! 

She's a  Holocaust survivor and pretty much the strongest woman I know. 

More on that in a later post.... this one's already too wordy!

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

The NaVe&D Zoo - Part One

It's amazing how a blog face-lift can inspire!

All I've been doing all morning is thinking up blog posts - and the one that won out for today? Part one of the zoo post I've been promising since the beginning of my little adventure here in the blogisphere! I'm going to do it in two parts to make it not so long.  We have a lot of critters!

Today, ladies and gents, you will be introduced to the furry members of our little (mostly) harmonious zoo.

First stop? The cat fur babies.

This is Sess, Sessie, Sesscabob... you get the point. I'm not quite sure how old she is. She's my first cat EVER, and the reason I am now only one step away from being a crazy-cat-lady. (D keeps me balanced precariously on the ledge of that particular pitfall) I got here as a rescue from an Animal Hospital I worked at in 2004/2005.  She was kept in a cage above where I kept my stuff and kept playing with my ponytail every morning.  It was pretty much love at first sight.   She has a broken K-9 which I am going to have to sell my first non-fur baby to get fixed (joking - OBVIOUSLY I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. But that's about how much it's gonna cost).  She also pukes pretty much daily, not quite sure why, but she's a happy girl, eating and pleasantly plump, so I'm just gonna keep loving her!

This funny guy is Topper.   He can be found in most cases laying on his back twitching like he's seizing 'cuz he's purring so hard.  There is a YouTube video of that coming soon! He's my baby - we rescued him as a tiny kitten from a friend who took him from a crack-head's house, half his whiskers had been burnt off and I'm pretty sure he has ingested some hard drugs at some point in his life. He was once really skinny - which you can see here is a faint memory at best.  He's as happy-go-lucky as can be now... and I'm pretty sure he thinks he's a dog.  YouTube evidence of that coming as well. He's completely fearless (or slightly stupid, we aren't sure) and won't back down from either one of our big dogs.  Our female dog raised him as her puppy.

This picture pretty much summarizes the story.  Can you see how Sess recoils at the mere sight of her adopted brother Topper? Poor girl - she really loved being an only child.   She hates him and the only time she ever grooms him, or tolerates him at all, is when I "force" her to by holding him in front of her face so she can groom him.  It's pretty funny. I had to do this at first to teach Topper to groom 'cuz he was a nasty little shit-stained kitten who never had a chance to learn to groom from his mommy.

Now, to the dog fur-babies.

This is Bronx.  He weighs 100 lbs. He is going on 11 years old - wouldn't think so would ya?  He's got a bit of grey under his chin though, and he's starting to appreciate my fibromyalgia gait when I walk him, gives him a chance to meander along with me and smell the roses.   He's a HUGE suckie baby... until he sees a dog on the street.  Then it's ON!  He was attacked by a pit bull as a puppy and D has never been able to get the aggressive reflex to relax in him.  Callin' Cesar Millan!  We need his help!  We love our pups to death, but their aggression towards other dogs creates a barrier between us and all our fellow dog-walkers/lovers.  And it sucks for the dogs too because it means that they NEVER go off leash.  Ever.  And we don't have a yard, so that sucks even more.  But we do our best, and aside from some recent issues Bronx is a happy and healthy boy!

This is Atilla.  She weighs 75lbs. She's going on 10 years old.  As you can tell in this picture she loves to be comfy.   This dog HATES going camping.  Can you believe that?  She whines and cries when she has to sleep on the ground outside.  We literally have to bring couch cushions for her to sleep on.  She's a princess.   And a lean mean fighting machine.  She learned Bronx's hatred for other dogs and sounds like a wild jackal when she's see's one... "mommy, mommy pleeeaaasseee let me rip up that little fifi dog!" It's sad.   We try and try to teach them to love other dogs, but it's just not happening.  Our friends just got a little puppy - we're hoping to introduce our dogs to it with strong cage muzzles on.  We are thinking that perhaps the puppy smell will lessen the aggressive instinct.

 When we first moved in to this apartment (date is wrong, it was actually in 2007) we gave the big sucks our old mattress.  Check out Bronx, maximizing comfort by using a pillow.  They both steal pillows from our bed at night if we aren't careful.

And here are a few more of my fave pics of the furry babies.

Oh man, I have a billion pics I could put up here..... I'll put up two more... just two more..

Ok! Thaaaaaat's All Folks!  If you wanna see some more - leave a comment! Leave a comment even if you're sick to death of seeing pics of my fur-babies.  Moral of the story? LEAVE A COMMENT!................................................................please!

BAHHHHH!!!

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was so calm,
so level headed, so EFFECTIVE last night.
I started a conversation with D in the car that I've been meaning to have for MONTHS. 

And I did it well. I did myself proud. 
All the way through the evening. 

And I had some difficult things to say.  Namely:

1. His tone of voice is a total kill joy.  I get cranky just hearing that tone sometimes. It really sucks because it puts my mood instantly into pissy-ville and then things just escalate from there.

And at times it can be a total turn off.  The second part of that was the hardest to say because it involves our sex life, and it's really really really difficult for me to be completely honest with him about that aspect of our relationship. He's very sensitive and I struggle with how to talk to him about some of the issues I'm having. This feels so taboo even to write in my blog. But I vowed that when I started writing this I would be open, honest and totally exposed.  I've struggled with this notion in the last little while and am amending it slightly because of some tweets I've seen lately.  Am starting to feel a bit insecure about how open I am, but I don't want to lose that part of my blog so I'm making an effort here.  A big one.  But baby steps.... more about this in another post.

and...

2. He is a horrible boss. Let me explain.
I am so afraid of the spring in a sense.  I know my tweets often express a desperate need for spring to return and work to start again.  I was really looking forward to this spring in particular though because we were planning on having me not work for him anymore.  But those plans are quickly unraveling before my eyes, so now I'm kind of afraid of spring because he's such a bad boss. He's rude, ignorant, places blame without hearing both sides, and he's completely ungrateful. I've had some bad bosses, but at least I didn't have to sleep with them!!! We've been driving each other crazy this winter being together 24/7 but if I have to work for him again this spring I don't know if we'll survive the season and still love each other.  This scares the shit out of me because as you saw in my Utopia Rules post from last night, we really have a vision together for our future. I don't know what I'd do without that plan.


But despite how difficult and touchy the subjects were, I did well, WE did well... went off without a hitch (and actually resulted in a little bit of BD, which has been really sporadic and infrequent lately! Ya ya!) 

And then... this morning.   I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, I'm up and down all over the place lately.  All he did was say he had a head ache.  I was about to wake and vape cuz my fibro is still bitching and he said he couldn't (well, he was kinda nasty about it I guess, in retrospect...but still, didn't warrant my reaction and my cold shoulder which he fully told me really really bothered him last night) and now he's at his mom's house and I'm feeling shitty cuz I really just want things to be good.

I'm a cranky, always-sick bitchy wifey and I'm pretty tired of it.  The only places my positivity and kindness seems to shine through is online and sometimes sometimes with our friends, or my family. Never with him anymore.

OK. Pity party over.... when he comes home I'm going to make a real effort to be sweet and see what happens.

Input is always welcome (especially on my touchy topics like this).  I believe that our community of women is a powerful source of support and it makes me feel not so alone, as I've said so many times in the past.

Utopia - The way it's all gonna come together...

D and I had a really interesting conversation to do with our life tonight. I'm not going to get into the details in this post (need to gather thoughts and have a early morning blog session for that one!) but....after D and I finshed talking this we  started discussing how we'd  like to formulate the "laws" of Utopia. We both wrote this post together (WHOA! we did something together! for my BLOG! big stuff people!)

Ok here goes....


1. Everyone eats together.  Like at camp. One big happy family, each taking turns cooking for everyone else. 








2 Minimal dish philosophy.   This means everyone has a bowl and plate (made by themselves? during a commune pottery class?   Or just get THAT guy to make yours... I'll bet he makes A LOT of bowls!), a fork, knife and spoon, a cup (etc...etc...) and everyone washes their dish&utensils in a fun fountain (like, remember those fountain sinks that there used to be in elementary school? The ones with the foot pedal? I friggin loved those things) with everyone else after eating :D  Doing dishes ain't so bad if it's fun, and you only have to wash one dish!




3. Zero-footprint law.   This means - well... you all probably know what it means... but for those "non-camping"types, it basically means you aren't to harm, alter or destroy any part of the land/forest/swamp/ WHATEVER you happen to inhabit. That means if you put it there, you take it away when you leave, and leave no evidence of it ever being there.   Or even better - leave it there, but make it organic so that it can one day be one with it's environment.





4.NO NEGATIVE NELLIES!  And D INVENTED THIS ONE!!! HOLY SHIT. Was that a pig?  I'm on the 17th floor and I seriously think a pig just flew by. 
But seriously.  You all know my mantra - positive thinking = positive living.
Anyone that's not down with that?  OUTSKI!





5.Nothing living is to be harmed.  Ok within reason.  Like, you can still eat veggies and fruit and all.  And we can eat meat and all that good stuf..... but like... don't go tramping around on ant hills for fun, or tearing through Charlotte's Web just for a laugh. 



6. Eco-friendly living.  This one is kind of obvious, but we will utilize only renewable sources of energy.  Solar, Wind, Hydro(the good kind, with the things that take energy from waves) etc etc.





7. Limited impact on the surface.   Whoa... Dinny's getting really excited talking about this one....   We can tap into geo-thermal energy easier this way, and uber cool in the summer, nice & cozy in the winter... We'd be good to go if there were a nuclear meltdown, or something...   And it's just all round cool. And we'll have Free Spirit tree-spheres up on the surface so if we want to go above ground for the night, or if a guest shows up and you don't want them to know where exactly  the house is (aka secret laboratory *whispers D*) there's an awesome little pod waiting.

OK I'm babbling.



 8. no CIGARETTE smoking and no ALCOHOLIC drinking.   As in, if the majority sees  a problem with your drinking, there WILL be an intervention.  And if that doesn't work... OUTSKI! 

Oh. we are ganja friendly, but again, if you're a total stoner pot head douchebag mooching off everyone else.... OUTSKI!

9. NO CABLE TV .  We shall still have fast internet.  D and I have been getting by just FINE this way, and limited exposure to the commercial BULLSHIT is excellent.  And I LOVE watching stuff with no commercial breaks.  YAY. 

10. Absolutely NO vehicles that emit emissions.
If that means you gotta ride a f'ing horse, then do it!   Oh.  Good luck pooper scooping that sucker.



And thaaaaaat's all folks!  Well, for now anyways because it's 10pm and we are going to watch a summer camp inspired movie.  Not sure which one yet, but if you know a good one we're always open for suggestions! (movie suggestions OR Utopia suggestions)


Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Wordless Wednesday - well.... sort of wordless Wednesday

Feelin' nostalgic this morning and I felt like reminiscing on some of our past camping trips.

Come along with me for the ride!

OOH D still had his long hair in some of these pics. :D

These two pics are of the same house, taken from different angles & 3 years apart. 

Yes, we are creatures of habit!

D first thing in the morning - my sleep lion roars!

I'm gettin' hungry!   Better start cookin'....

yum.  Food tastes much better than Frogs. 

 I love windmills.  Wave of the future. I HOPE!

Pictures do not do the nighttime justice.

 It was breathtaking.

Quiet early mornings...

perfect for fishing.

I love sleeping with the tent fly off....

This shot took about 2 hours to get - we were on an inflatable raft, floating around in the lake trying to get a shot of us kissing under the harvest moon.  We kept drifting further and further away... took about a zillion shots because we would spin out of position the second the moon was behind us... It was quite fun! ...............................

This particular trip was VERY VERY RAINY.  Hence Shanty town.

BUT we ate VERY VERY well....

Ahhhh.... our canoe... which sprang a leak on this particular trip.














These pics sum up my love for Canada....
and demonstrate the reason we should really just pack up and go live in the woods.

I hope you enjoyed the trip!  Please let me know if you like the photo-post! Not sure if this is a popular idea, but if it is, I have TONS of home-zoo (etc.) pics to post!