Friday, March 12, 2010
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was so calm,
so level headed, so EFFECTIVE last night.
I started a conversation with D in the car that I've been meaning to have for MONTHS.
And I did it well. I did myself proud.
All the way through the evening.
And I had some difficult things to say. Namely:
1. His tone of voice is a total kill joy. I get cranky just hearing that tone sometimes. It really sucks because it puts my mood instantly into pissy-ville and then things just escalate from there.
And at times it can be a total turn off. The second part of that was the hardest to say because it involves our sex life, and it's really really really difficult for me to be completely honest with him about that aspect of our relationship. He's very sensitive and I struggle with how to talk to him about some of the issues I'm having. This feels so taboo even to write in my blog. But I vowed that when I started writing this I would be open, honest and totally exposed. I've struggled with this notion in the last little while and am amending it slightly because of some tweets I've seen lately. Am starting to feel a bit insecure about how open I am, but I don't want to lose that part of my blog so I'm making an effort here. A big one. But baby steps.... more about this in another post.
2. He is a horrible boss. Let me explain.
I am so afraid of the spring in a sense. I know my tweets often express a desperate need for spring to return and work to start again. I was really looking forward to this spring in particular though because we were planning on having me not work for him anymore. But those plans are quickly unraveling before my eyes, so now I'm kind of afraid of spring because he's such a bad boss. He's rude, ignorant, places blame without hearing both sides, and he's completely ungrateful. I've had some bad bosses, but at least I didn't have to sleep with them!!! We've been driving each other crazy this winter being together 24/7 but if I have to work for him again this spring I don't know if we'll survive the season and still love each other. This scares the shit out of me because as you saw in my Utopia Rules post from last night, we really have a vision together for our future. I don't know what I'd do without that plan.
But despite how difficult and touchy the subjects were, I did well, WE did well... went off without a hitch (and actually resulted in a little bit of BD, which has been really sporadic and infrequent lately! Ya ya!)
And then... this morning. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, I'm up and down all over the place lately. All he did was say he had a head ache. I was about to wake and vape cuz my fibro is still bitching and he said he couldn't (well, he was kinda nasty about it I guess, in retrospect...but still, didn't warrant my reaction and my cold shoulder which he fully told me really really bothered him last night) and now he's at his mom's house and I'm feeling shitty cuz I really just want things to be good.
I'm a cranky, always-sick bitchy wifey and I'm pretty tired of it. The only places my positivity and kindness seems to shine through is online and sometimes sometimes with our friends, or my family. Never with him anymore.
OK. Pity party over.... when he comes home I'm going to make a real effort to be sweet and see what happens.
Input is always welcome (especially on my touchy topics like this). I believe that our community of women is a powerful source of support and it makes me feel not so alone, as I've said so many times in the past.