Friday, March 12, 2010


I don't know what's wrong with me.
I was so calm,
so level headed, so EFFECTIVE last night.
I started a conversation with D in the car that I've been meaning to have for MONTHS. 

And I did it well. I did myself proud. 
All the way through the evening. 

And I had some difficult things to say.  Namely:

1. His tone of voice is a total kill joy.  I get cranky just hearing that tone sometimes. It really sucks because it puts my mood instantly into pissy-ville and then things just escalate from there.

And at times it can be a total turn off.  The second part of that was the hardest to say because it involves our sex life, and it's really really really difficult for me to be completely honest with him about that aspect of our relationship. He's very sensitive and I struggle with how to talk to him about some of the issues I'm having. This feels so taboo even to write in my blog. But I vowed that when I started writing this I would be open, honest and totally exposed.  I've struggled with this notion in the last little while and am amending it slightly because of some tweets I've seen lately.  Am starting to feel a bit insecure about how open I am, but I don't want to lose that part of my blog so I'm making an effort here.  A big one.  But baby steps.... more about this in another post.


2. He is a horrible boss. Let me explain.
I am so afraid of the spring in a sense.  I know my tweets often express a desperate need for spring to return and work to start again.  I was really looking forward to this spring in particular though because we were planning on having me not work for him anymore.  But those plans are quickly unraveling before my eyes, so now I'm kind of afraid of spring because he's such a bad boss. He's rude, ignorant, places blame without hearing both sides, and he's completely ungrateful. I've had some bad bosses, but at least I didn't have to sleep with them!!! We've been driving each other crazy this winter being together 24/7 but if I have to work for him again this spring I don't know if we'll survive the season and still love each other.  This scares the shit out of me because as you saw in my Utopia Rules post from last night, we really have a vision together for our future. I don't know what I'd do without that plan.

But despite how difficult and touchy the subjects were, I did well, WE did well... went off without a hitch (and actually resulted in a little bit of BD, which has been really sporadic and infrequent lately! Ya ya!) 

And then... this morning.   I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, I'm up and down all over the place lately.  All he did was say he had a head ache.  I was about to wake and vape cuz my fibro is still bitching and he said he couldn't (well, he was kinda nasty about it I guess, in retrospect...but still, didn't warrant my reaction and my cold shoulder which he fully told me really really bothered him last night) and now he's at his mom's house and I'm feeling shitty cuz I really just want things to be good.

I'm a cranky, always-sick bitchy wifey and I'm pretty tired of it.  The only places my positivity and kindness seems to shine through is online and sometimes sometimes with our friends, or my family. Never with him anymore.

OK. Pity party over.... when he comes home I'm going to make a real effort to be sweet and see what happens.

Input is always welcome (especially on my touchy topics like this).  I believe that our community of women is a powerful source of support and it makes me feel not so alone, as I've said so many times in the past.


  1. *hugs* I hope that you are able to talk to him and be really heard and reach your utopia goals together

  2. Just tell him straight up what is bothering you, say it night and sweet. I really think ya'll should work on you and him before you bring a baby in the world, you know what I mean? I hope you don't take offense to that in anyway. I hope things work out, anyything can be worked out, just both people have to REALLY want it.

  3. We do both want it, and one of the reasons for the "break" that I've mentioned in my past posts is to try to work out some of these issues. But a lot of my "venting" posts are also very one sided (my side) and I am pretty hormonal, emotional and up and down. Can't be easy for him either. I'm sorry to the others who had more negative responses to Roxy's comment - I deleted you because I don't want those kind of bad vibes on my blog.

  4. Oh, and also. A side note. If you are going to say things like that, at least have the balls to show your face because I would like to retort directly to you. It is not yours, nor anyone else's say on who is fit to have children and who is not. That is for the universe to decide. If you were really an avid reader you would know my views and know that I would take a pacifist attitude towards your ignorance. And as for backing up my words? That's an interesting choice of statement for someone who posts comments anonymously.

  5. stay strong! the hardest thing to do is be honest and true but it is so worth it. your relationships will grow in strength and quality.

    stopping by from lady bloggers tea party

  6. Interesting subject matter.

    Nobody's perfect and the fact of the matter is that NO ONE is completely ready to be a parent. Let's say there's a 21 year old out there TTC and women in their 30's try to say the girl shouldn't be trying to have a baby because she's too young for it. Well, who are they REALLY to say? I feel for you Nathalie. And not just because I've taken the time to develop a relationship with you and know you personally. As a married woman I understand that no marriage is perfect. People that tell themselves that their marriage or relationship is any better than anyone else's are just lying to themselves. Human beings are flawed, flawed, flawed. Therefore, relationships are flawed.

    Or how about a girl who has a plethora of emotional issues and goes to therapy for those issues? Would anyone have the right to say, " shouldn't have a baby because you're a screwed up mess and probably will be a terrible parent". NO. Everyone is entitiled to happiness. And I for one am one of those screwed up messes that is one of the most bad ass moms I know.

    So in closing, my dear friend...

    BE YOU. DO YOU. FUCK THE HATERS. FUCK THE BULL SHIT. You know YOU. I know YOU. And those who dont take the time to KNOW how AMAZING you are because they are too wrapped up in their own delusional, self absored, pity party, life? pathetic are they? Really. Think about how much better off you are than them. You wouldn't make anon comments on someone's page outta spite would you? Nope.

    Because YOU are a classy broad. Not a classless moron. And I heart you for that.

  7. FUDGE. I posted a huge comment and it's gone.

    Well, I was just saying this:

    FUCK THE HATERS. No one has the right to say who is and isn't ready to be a mom. Observations are fine. But it's all about intent. And obviously the person who posted anon was intending to harm...not help.

    So fuck 'em. How pathetic are they anyways? I mean really.

    I know you. You know you.

    Fuck the haters. Fuck the bullshit. Do you girl. Do you.

  8. Aw Plaidy (and everyone who helped me out this morning when I came upon the mean comments!) I <3 you all so much! :D

  9. I completely agree with Plaidy :) FUCK THE HATERS. And <3 you.



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