Holiday Happy's

The last post I wrote was all about finding my happy. This is one of my favourite times of year and it's the perfect time for me to ... Well... BE HAPPY!
And I'm finding small pleasures to take joy in every day, even on the grump-infested snark overloaded ones.
Today I wrapped my parents Chanukah gift (which I'm happy to say I think that they will really enjoy this year!


And the finished product....



And now that I'm done I'm feeling even more wonderfully festive so here are some shots from around our apartment (this is a spontaneous iPhone camera shoot, so pardon the sort of crappy photography!)



It's snowing!! And a shot of some of our lights...



A view of our ficus christmukah tree



Bears in a tree! One is D and the other's me! (teehee that rhymes!)



For my Aussie & Southern US readers - do you know what kind of pine tree this is? We've had Nora for 6 years... She looks beautiful as ever with her twinkle lights & glitter balls!



The headless desert nutcracker & his be-header ... And a Christmas cactus, 2010's addition to our cactus garden.



Headless desert Nutcracker's head!



The stuffed animal& candy cane ficus christmukah tree....



And again...



Our stockings, the leopard print one was Sessie's, now it's waiting for a pic of the dogs and cat boys... She willed it to them.



More of the big christmukah ficus.



Our wreath & icicle lights & stained glass door to balcony...



Christmukah cat!

And... That's all folks!!

- Posted on location from my iPhone
(doesn't that sound like so official & stuff? Like I'm a reporter... On location... Hehehe)

(oh yeah... Leave a comment!! Kthx& HAPPY HOLIDAYS!)

Finding my Happy

Yesterday  I was 'msn'ing' with an old friend. She knows D very well, in fact I know her through him & she also is beginning to know me very well as she has decided to embark on the adventure that one undertakes when becoming my follower on twitter.  She thus has pretty good insight on what's happening in my life, because I'm an open book & she knows the other chapter of my story quite well ;)

She said, very wisely, that my tweets have begun to indicate a fair amount of despair & depression. And that despite the fact that I frequently vent about relationship drama between me & my love, the darkness is most likely coming from the void that I feel OUTSIDE of my relationship.

It's true.  I try to stay positive, hopeful, optimistic, & happy & all that jazz but there's a monster lurking too close to the surface for my comfort.  And try as he might, D can not do anything about it.  This fact alone brings out a not -so-nice aspect of our relationship... him trying, me rejecting him & him then being cold & aggressive because... well, basically I'm being a bitch too.

As a veteran of therapy, both group & individual, I can tell the signs of depression.  I see that I'm in trouble.  I see that I need help.  I see that lack of luster in myself, my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings is getting stronger... but I just am kinda of the mind set that I want to try & use my self-taught skills (and call on some of the skills that I've learned in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - if you're interested in hearing more about this please leave a comment & I will blog about it next!) in conjunction with my newly found twitter support system rather than running back to therapy, or worse still, medication.

What my wise friend suggested was that I make a list. A list of things OUTSIDE my relationship that make me jump for joy. Things that tickle my thoughts.  Things that stimulate my senses. 
I have been happy before, I do experience happiness still & thus, there must be circumstances, things, people, situations, etc. that still make me happy.

So here,  blogles & tweeties, are (some of) my happys!

(I'm gonna be random, start with small things and maybe things that people will find strange... but it's all part of the process! I need to once more learn to take joy in the little pleasures of life!)

~ my cats (duh)
~ Ani Difranco (duh - I said I was starting with the easy things!)
~ composing & recording music.   (need to find a good software for this! SUGGESTIONS? I've used sequel 2, cakewalk & fruityloops, but never understood what I was doing.. need something user friendly! read:dummy-fied) 
~ guitar (need to become more consistent with playing so I don't have to go through the pain of re-developing calluses every single time! what a turn off!) 
~ photography & digitally editing photos
~ reading with tea & kush at Roach-a-rama in Kensington Market (requires me to leave the house & take the transit to go downtown... not that likely at the moment... but still a happy)
~ yoga (need to find some bum-knee friendly yoga - suggestions anyone??)
~ swimming (need to find a public pool nearby for swimming 3x/ week)
~ shopping for fruits & veggies & spices & nuts (productive to my diet too!)
~ shopping in general (though this can get dangerous!)
~ cooking & baking
~ knitting
~ PAINTING (really MISS this one!)
~ mani/pedi
~ bath & wine time (not sure I can swing this in my current apartment... our bathtub SUCKS)
~ journalling/blogging :)

And I think that's all for now! That's actually a pretty good list, if I don't say so myself (which I do!) All of the things on there are things that I enjoyed doing pre-D and kinda stopped doing due to various factors in my current situation... none of which are written in stone, and all of which I can change.
So now, the task at hand is to DO SOMETHING and actually make this list go to good use.  That's the hardest part of it all, 'cuz if you've followed my blog at all, you'll know I"m great at making lists & plans & not so great at the actual execution of things. But here's another shot...

To my Wise friend (one in specific but also, to all my wise friends who are reading!)  please remember, we need to kick each others asses into gear, for who else is in a better position to push you to succeed in finding your happy but your friends?  <3

Wishful thinking....

I've settled into a sort of strange mental cave, driven to spark a change but still physically restricted.
I'm learning to let my brain & my fingers help me imagine what I will do once my knee gets better...

Let me share some of my wishful thinking.

D and I wish to go out into the country to roast a turkey on an open fire for Thanksgiving (for my American readers, Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend!)

The venue yet undecided, I just want to see trees.  I have no stipulations, just nature & more nature. And a comfy chair by the fire & cozy blanket ;)
The fewer humans the better (other than our immediate posse).

I wish my parents would want to roast a turkey with us.
I'll leave it at this. I'm not even going to open this can of worms during this post....
lets leave the family drama outta it...... 
 
But more than that, I wish that we had a family of our own to take.

I long to see vibrant autumn reds, smell the smoky crisp air, feel the fingertips of October chill on my cheek & snuggle in warmth of my cozy fall layers.

I long for hayrides, corn mazes, face painting and apple bobbing.

I long for a tradition of picking & carving pumpkins, striving for the most ghoulish, glowing gaze. Roasting seeds. Pies.

What do you long for? What are your family traditions for Thanksgiving?

One other thing I long for? Sharing. Caring. Togetherness.

NaVe goes back to the school of life!

So I didn't quite return to my blog with the gusto I had hoped for.

So sue me.

I led a fairly unblogworthy existance for the remainder of the summer. We went on one last camping trip to Pinery (and forgot our camera, but it should be arriving back soon thanks to U.P.S. and pictures will be posted!)

Now, it's fall... the crisp smell of leaves turning is back in the air, the mid-morning silence reminds me that all the kids are back in school, and it leaves me wanting a fresh start.

But this fresh start I desire is no where to be found. I have no fresh pile of books awaiting a semester of studying & highlighting. There's no supplies to be purchased for my bright & bubbling back-to-school-er either. I used to LOVE going back to school shopping, despite my uniform and ridiculous amount of ginormous textbooks to be purchased. And I still miss the annual "book sale" of my old high school, seeing everyone again, rushing around to find the least beat up copy of the texts you need, no uniforms left so there was always still that hint of summer in the air...) My old high school always had a really nice feel in the fall, many old and grand trees in the courtyards changing colours.... Fall and Christmas were my favourite times there. I can almost forget the bad parts about my high school years when I remember back to that 'fresh start' feeling.

But I digress.

This year there is no clear cut fresh start for me so instead I'm decidedly creating my own. Or, that was the plan before this unhappy knee adventure of mine (follow me on twitter if you wanna hear that daily whine/rant!).

So now I've got some time in couch city during which to plan this self-appointed fresh start.
I've been feeling really resentful, negative, bitter and jealous lately. I don't know exactly where it all started but it was really really starting to wear me down.

So this year, instead of going back to school I'm going back to basics and re-learning the lesson I used to live by.

Love + Laughter = Love.

Any thoughts?

Bloggity blog blog

I feel rather lumpish today, but I'm striving to maintain humourous.
I'm not going to sink into a hole because I hate some bad chicken.
Turned it into a joke on twitter - one of my lovely tweeties asked if I had gotten a BFP (had been tweeting bout puking a lot).... I said no, instead I got VBC (very bad chicken)

Ha.
Ha.

Ok, maybe it's not that funny - but the fact that I am returning to my blog, talking about clomid around the dinner table and shopping for houses makes me think that things are okay for a change.  Despite the fights.  Despite any aggravation.   Life is good. I don't need to compete with other people, I can just relax and know that everything will happen in it's due time.  

The weddings & pregnancies of late have taken a toll on my mind & emotional state but I mainain:

Life is good.  

Even though I spent last night with my head in a toilet bowl.

Easing back in...

I've been climbing, slowly, cautiously, out of the black hole I fell into about a week ago.

Did y'all miss me?

I have missed you.  It's amazing how much perspective I gain through my one-sided conversations with you (via Twitter it's more two-sided, at least - helping me maintain the belief that I don't spend the MAJORITY of my time talking to my cats... only part of my time :P)

Still,  I'm not ready for a full expose of what's been up.
I can't yet explain my MIA status on Twitter and in the blogosphere.
I'm not sure what happened; what's happening; what will happen.
It's as if my mind is stuck in a partial fog, preventing me from opening up. 
Aside from the few rants I've had on Twitter I've been pretty quiet for the last little while. In real life, as well as cyberspace. 
Introspective, but cautious.
Diving too deep into my psyche has proven dangerous for me in the past.

I'm not sure what prompted this particular delve into the dark (other than perhaps the video of my fat ass that I watched post-hike... I thought I was over being depressed about my body since D seems to be a big fan either way, but apparently not... )

I really don't know.  I'm all confused.


But I know this -
I got some KICK ASS photos (other than my #beingabigfathugewhalesucks photos)
And now I shall share them with you.


Help me climb the rest of my way outta the hole!
I've been planning, plotting & scheming a doozie of a post for when I do finally have my wits back and about me - or at least 75% of 'em... So pad my ego and leave some love!
<3

F*^#&%$ Positivity!

It's not been easy, but I'm doing it.... I'm sunny.  I'm GD optimistic and cheerful.  Dammit.

Here comes another slightly garbled post though - I'm so sorry! I'll take the decline in comments as a sign that y'all would prefer my normal writing style to return.  I'll send that memo up to my (foggy) brain asap.

Sess has still not (independently) eaten, though I have forced about 4 syringes of wet food and water, and at least 12 zillion of water alone into her... she growls with the food, so I don't do too much.  The maple syrup worked a bit though, I think I noticed the most change in her after starting that regiment. D and I went to the movies today to see Alice in Wonderland (slightly disappointing, not worth a review post) and when we got back she came to drink outta the tub! I tweeted it here.

This makes me (disproportionately?) happy

I am still not sleeping well, though I have taken to falling FAST asleep at around 4 or 5am in the last few nights, meaning that I'm getting a good 3- 4 hours of real sleep, which is an improvement from NONE.   The bad Baycrest dreams are getting shorter.  Appreciated.  Gone would be better.   But I'm being patient.   And trying to stay off the sleeping pills.  I don't wanna get hooked.  Finding a fuzzy comfy fog in a little blue pill every night seems just a wee bit too tempting now-a-days. 

And this morning I woke up with a crick in my neck - I look like a friggin' moron, turning my whole body to look around.

And, other than that, I'm pretty numb.  I'm immersing myself in work as much as possible (having D here instead of out doing the jobs is kind of distracting, but as of the 15th he'll be out doing sales calls, much better for growing our little company.  In my haste to anticipate having my days to myself again once Spring had sprung I forgot that hiring a crew meant that he did not have to work sun up to sun down if he didn't want to.  Right now we only have one vehicle, so he has to stay home with me all day 'till the crew returns.  As of the 15th we'll have two again.  Thank god, or I'd probably... I won't finish that sentence.)

I listened to my uncles songs yesterday and had a good cry... every so often I look up in the sky and look out for birds(wondering why?)...  I'm thinking of uploading some of his music for you all to hear - is that something that would appeal to y'all?  It's not in English but the melodies are gorgeous.  I'm not 100% how to do that without putting 'em on YouTube, or in my sidebar like my songs are, so any tips would be GREATLY appreciated! And I'm gonna get back on the Juri and the Bears Blog.   I think it could be a great support to adults and children alike, who are going through a terminal illness.

And my plans for today? I've got more company organization work to do, customer calling to do...


and more F*ing positivity to radiate.  <3

Wordless Wednesday - First sign of Spring!

Thanks to my sister-in-law @sarahnryan for this pic!

Follow her on Twitter!  She's FABULOUS!

<3

Oh, Happy Day!

 Yesterday was a terrific day - despite the cold and clouds that drifted back in Toronto after a few days of glorious sunny spring (summer!) weather.

D and I used to frequent the beaches of Toronto quite regularly, more in the winter actually, to walk the dogs.  We would go more in the winter because of our dogs inability to get along well with other dogs, as you may or may not have read in my fur-baby posting.

Thus, the cooler weather yesterday was perfect.
We had the whole beach to ourselves...or so we thought!
As we walked down the beach on a side that we haven't actually ever walked on before, we came upon this interesting structure:

We walked to the end of the beach and discussed what it could be.  In the end, our curiosity got the best of us.  We had to go and find out what was going on over there!
Was it an extremely impressive beaver dam?  A beaver dam with seating?
So we meandered over.....
And met the friendly beach dude!

 

I'm going to keep the details about the friendly beach dude pretty sketchy, he requested specifically that I maintain his anonymity and keep his location under wraps. I was so impressed by his positive attitude, his eco-friendly lifestyle and his down-to-earth sensibilities so I asked him if he minded if I took some pictures of his creation for my blog.  He said, with a smile, that his door is always open to friendly strangers.  

We could all learn a lot from the friendly beach dude.

 

Friendly Beach Dude's Welcome Sign

Friendly Beach Dude's Welcome Mascot

The Nice Chilling Spot - aka Beach Hut

*you can't tell, but the bottom left corner of the hut was rebuilt because a few years back  the local coastguard/fire dept. boat came by and had to put out a fire that was started by  a couple who were found in a compromising situation in the nice chilling spot! 

  Being sprayed by 450psi musta been a rude awakening to say the least!!!*

We stood and talked with the FBD for about an hour.  He was so intriguing! He built the beach hut from wood that had fallen down the cliffs from the top of the hills that you can see behind the hut.  There are huge piles of debris all over the beach showing evidence that the cliffs are really tumbling down.  

 

Here's an example of a pile of trees that started at the top of the hill..... 

See the trees at the top that are awaiting the same fate??

After talking for a while (and essentially losing most of the sensation in my legs 'cuz the wind got BITTERLY cold) we started the walk back.  Here's some pictures that I really liked from the day...

 Friendly Beach Dude told us that he frequently sees Coyote's quite often.... 

These prints were HUGE compared to Bronx's!

LOVE the bits of red that show up every so often.

And, just as we were leaving, and I thought the day couldn't have POSSIBLY been any more perfect, we ran into another lovely creature while walking back to the car...

Can you spot him?

I couldn't believe how close he let me get!

And that was the happy day - we had such a good time, re-connecting and being outside... I just can't wait for summer and our next trip into the wilderness!