A quick update...

I've been so bad at blogging lately.
I'm sorry - I hope you haven't missed my nonsense too much! :P
I'm planning to make a big come back once our work season starts again (Spring)....

Some of the reasons I've been so busy are:

1. WE ARE TTC AGAIN!!!! WOOOOHHOOOOO! 
This month was our return to Clomid, and it went a lot smoother than Cycles 1-3 in 2009.   I think having the mental preparation of what would happen with the introduction of all these hormones was a HUGE help.   March 6th (my Dirty Thirty!) marks the end of this year's first two week wait, and I'm encouraged by all the 'good omens' that have happened on this cycle  (I ovulated on Canadian Family Day, and my birthday is the end of the 2ww)

2. My grandma is in hospital.  This requires a lot of co-ordinating meal times with my parents so that someone familiar is there at every meal.  It's been a struggle, but seeing her sit up to eat, and hearing that my dad and her went for a jaunt around the ward after 3 weeks of her being bed-ridden, makes me so happy.
She's going to be 88 this August and she is probably the strongest and most indestructable woman I know! She survived the Holocaust, breast cancer twice, had a tumour removed from her brain at 84, almost died due to complications from the anti-biotics, and now she's pulling through again!  I'm so proud of her. 

3. Trying to get life on track is time consuming!
Doing yoga has been taking a lot of my (used to be) internet-surfing/tv watching/ tweeting time... though in the last week I sort of fell of the bandwagon (progesterone suppository side effects are NO FUN!) but before that I was doing well, daily practice. If you want to view some of the flow's I've been enjoying you can do so HERE.  I'd love to hear that my meager little attempt at getting in shape has inspired others - it give me such a motivation boost!
Eating better is more time consuming as well, what with the veggie chopping, fish seasoning and rice boiling.  It's been an uphill battle with my junk food addiction, and I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm seeing improvements with the little changes that I'm making & that's really encouraging. 

Another other than that... I'm just waiting for work to start up again (it makes such a huge difference, not only financially but also spiritually, when my days have more structure to them.)

This summer is going to be great- all these steps that D & I are taking towards improving our lives has me so excited! Stay tuned for more frequent blog posts about our progress, both in terms of TTC and also in terms of our new healthier life!

Happy New Year & All that jazz...

So I'm a bit late in wishing you all a Happy New Year - better late than never though, right?

I'm sorry I've been scarce.

I've been busy trying to change my life.

Most of you follow me on Twitter so you know that I've taken a plunge into the wonderful world of yoga, and have been going to a prenatal class at a studio on Tuesday nights, but also have been doing my own practice at home.

WHAT AN AMAZING DIFFERENCE SO FAR!
And it's only been 3 weeks.

The other major change I'm making is my diet.
Since beginning yoga again my body has been telling me to detox, but I have been having a really hard time meshing my more natural food desires with D's fast food fetish.  Last night we ate seperate meals, and I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. Still have to do some work on this aspect of things though.

What spiked this sudden return to the blogosphere was my appointment at a Fibromyalgia and Cannibology specialist yesterday.  First of all, he claims that my biggest issue is a sleep disorder, and not fibro.  Weird right?   So now my GP is setting up a sleep study for me (which I'm totally nervous for 'cuz I hate sleeping away from home)...

He gave me homework too - in the form of reading and writing.  If anyone is interested in reading his books, I can give you his website address, just leave me a comment below.  I don't want to publicly advertise his name on my blog.  The homework is really interesting so far, and actually is in part the reason for my return to blogging. Last night I spent an hour after yoga filling in the first few pages of a workbook he gave me called "The Magic Pen; Creative Writing for Self Discovery".  I have to admit, I'm hooked, not only to this doctor's unique and more holistic method, but also to his  energy and encouragement that I CAN change my life.

Last but not least, I have to lose weight.  He claims this will be the easiest part, if I don't cheat.  He claims I can lose 100 lbs. in one year.  The diet he's proposing is a bit extreme so I may alter it slightly.  He says I should eat 2 small meals a day, one at 10:30, one at 4:30/5pm.  And only veggies, chicken, fish and a TINY bit of carbs.  And that's IT.  No fruit for a year.  No snacking in between meals - PERIOD.  I think I'll have to have some healthy snacks set up for throughout the day - I can't fathom going without some munchies for a whole day!

The cannibology part of his practice is fascinating to me (for obvious reasons, if you #knowyourNaVe!) He says I will qualify no problem for a medical MJ card, so that will be in the works soon as well.  Not going to go into too much depth here, for obvious reasons, but basically I'll just say - this is the beginning of the rest of my life!

And you will be around to witness it! I swear, I couldn't do it without my constant venting system, AKA Twitter. KUDOS to all my lovely tweeties. You all are my support system and saving grace! Love you!


*in case you are wondering, the picture above is me, about 5 years ago (pre-fibromyalgia), doing camel pose.  Just a bit of inspiration for anyone thinking that fat girls can't do yoga - I was thinner then but as you can see, still far from a twig.  Yoga is great for anyone!*

I'm featured!

I'm so flattered. 

I have never been featured on a blog before!

Many thanks to @nutritionist_kt! 
 

She featured my recipe for the green smoothie that

I have been enjoying every morning this week.

Here's the link if you want to try it out!

She has a ton of great tips and info on her site! 

Take a look around while you're there. 

#beingabigfathugewhalesucks

I'm in a dark hole that I am digging further and further into.
Went for a hike on Saturday, and despite many AMAZING photos, and good company, the one thing that is sticking in my brain are the (earth-shattering-reality-bringing) images of me on the video that D took.
I'm a ginormous fat blob.
I can't believe I let myself get like this.
I weeble.  I wobble. 
And I was fucking sore yesterday.  After a WALK. 
And I'm totally stuck in a job that perpetuates my lifestyle of sitting at home, eating, and being depressed.  And not having enough time for myself - despite a clear need.

And...
I'm officially too depressed at the moment to be insightful. ...

to be continued...... 


ps.  I posted this to reach out to anyone who may feel like this at times too. You're never alone. And neither am I. Sorry for the uber depressing nature, but it happens to all of us from time to time.

The Shift - Week One

At long last I'm sitting down to take the time to write my "vegan post".

Only - it's not so vegan.

I tried to go gun-ho on the whole vegan thing after my doctor's appointment on Monday - only to discover that I have NOT THE FIRST CLUE about how to eat vegan.  And thus I just kinda stopped eating - which was very very dumb of me, I know, I know.

Had a couple days of being a total and complete BITCH  (and feeling like a dirty and wet dishrag) and then decided that going vegetarian before going fully vegan was probably a smarter way to go. I thought that since I had quit smoking ciggarettes cold turkey I could do the same with food.  Turns out my junk food addiction is much more powerful! Who'd have thunk it.

I'm gonna digress for a minute to give you a better view of my (more recent) diet.
My mom was a big time cook so I grew up on home cooked foods.  But lots and lots of it.  I have always been a well-rounded girl!

In 2000 I decided to go veggie.  I did so (very successfully - I <3 vegetarian food!) for 3 years at which point I was forced to not be one anymore due to financial reasons (was barely eating at all - though I still managed to be kinda overweight because when I did eat it was cheap, easy, and usually from the food bank, thus not very nutritious)
Lived that way until 2005 when I moved into my "girl pad" and became veggie again for a year and a few months.  I was thin, I was happy, I was healthy, I was fit... it was great. 
Then me and D moved in together, November of 2006, and out the door went my blissful vegetable, fruit & fish market diet.  For the last four years up until last Monday I have been a total junk-food-aholic.   Not a care in the world.  Well, not entirely.  I always had that voice in the back of my head telling me to STOP NOW... but I ignored it... and now? I am suffering GREATLY from it.

If I'm going to be totally honest I believe that my fibromyalgia and endometriosis are both bi-products of the junk life I have been leading. 

But it ends NOW.
And I'm going to stop beating my head with a stick every time I give in and have some yogurt.  Or cream cheese. I am realizing that baby steps are the ONLY way that this is going to happen.   
And if we are going to eat out, we will eat at Subway or at a decent restaurant where I can get a nice salad or "health-wise" meal.
NO MORE MCDONALDS!
NO MORE WENDY'S!
NO MORE BINGING ON JUNK FROM THE DOLLAR STORE.
and... this one is HARD but...
NO MORE $0.99 ARIZONA GREEN TEA in a CAN.

I'm using these books to help me along:

I don't have these ones yet, but I'm hoping to get em in the coming weeks:























I'll keep you all posted on how things are going, and if you have ANY tips they are ALWAYS greatly appreciated!  I'm kinda obsessive really... with the checking of the comments.... :P

One year closer......

So, it's my 29th birthday today, I'm one year closer to the year that I've kinda always put out as my "deadline".   Deadline for what you ask?  

Um....

STUFF!
...


lol. Okay no, seriously - I always thought I'd be married with kids & a career (or a career driven/millionaire hubby making it possible for me to become a professional SAHM)... but I'm pretty much NOT EVEN CLOSE to that reality.... nor am I close to my UTOPIA reality.

But I'm zen about it.  Really.   I'm "livin' in the moment".  And I actually mean that for once in my life. My latest bout of darkness has brought anew my optimism for the future.   And today, on the day that I'm exactly 365 days away from the deadline that I've been envisioning since the day I knew how, I'm cool.  I'm calm.  I'm collected.

I'm pretty happy, and I know where I need (and where I WANT) to be next year.  (for real, not where I thought I'd be in my 6,7,8 etc... year old mind)

So this morning I thought I'd share 5 of the  things I WANNA accomplish in my 29th year. (I tweeted and warned you all about the I WANNA'S coming up today!... )

Not exactly a resolution list, just kind of a guideline to help me in a few months when I'm floating aimlessly through my long -anticipated summer.

1. Get to the gym.   I was 80 lbs. thinner just 3 short years ago.  I know I can do it, and I think it will help HUGELY with my fibromyalgia, endo and pcos if I get back there. Here's a pic to help you (and me) visualize:

This was about 4 years ago actually - but still... thin(er).

And now?
.... searching.... searching..... searching....



Geez - it's super hard to find a current full body shot!  That'll show ya right there how much I need to do this!

Okay - here's one.... me trying to convince myself to get in the freezing cold Georgian Bay last summer.....

OMG I can't believe I'm even putting this picture online.  You wouldn't believe the verbal thrashing that D got for taking an unprepared shot of me from behind....

But I digress...

2. Music Music Music -  gotta get back on the singer/songwriter bandwagon.   If nothing else I have learned that me drifting away from my creativity is never ever a good thing. Want to get a recording done or at least mostly done this year.  A professional recording.  That I can sell on iTunes.  I don't care if it's far fetched. I'm doin' it.

3. GET PREGGO!  Ok, so I can't exactly control this one, but #'s 1& 2 may help keep me sane and fit and zen and all that good fertility stuff.

4.Go somewhere - this is kinda vague.   Ok - go somewhere outside Ontario.  D has never left Ontario, and I have a serious travel bug that has remained unfed for 10 years, and may just feed on my eyeballs if I don't satisfy it soon.






5. Become a better/ more involved family member.   I need to get over some shit.  It's about f'ing time.   If that means I have to be more mature than my mother/parents/elder  then so be it.


 
So that's it - hope you enjoyed....  I'm off to finish my quiet (read:early!!!) birthday morning of blogging, tweeting and catching up on my favorite people's lives.   Today, more than before, I cherish the new connections and friendships I'm making through this blog and my tweets.  I've always had a cloud over me on my birthday - no one seemed to care, or remember, or notice.  You all have given me the strength to realize that those people don't matter -  and the one's who do are with me all the time in my mind and heart.

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Today WILL be a G-DAMN good day. Dammit.

So, even though I was up at an ungodly hour this morning... I have decided.
Today IS going to be a GREAT day!
Despite the fact that I forgot about the run in that my laptop had with my un-lidded Subway 7-up and turned it on this morning ( but it turned on! YAY!) ....
Despite the fact that after I turned it on, and went to make tea (at the ungodly hour) I stepped with faith into the pitch dark kitchen, knowing that D vacuumed & cleaned up yesterday and... SPLASH! The sink overflowed and flooded the kitchen & dining room. 
Despite the fact that my 'c' button has fallen off my keyboard and I now have to type this blog with my desktop's keyboard balanced on top of my laptops sickly one... and I just searched desperately for the mouse pad on the desktop keyboard... for like 5 min... before * aha!* I have to lift it OFF the actual laptop first!
Despite the fact that when I shifted around to get comfy just now my laptop ( which can not survive even a moment without it's lifeline) came unplugged.  Thank god for Blogger Autosave.  
Despite the fact that I have to see my parents later... this is not really a bad thing, just, considering the circumstances right now in our family, it may prove to be rather depressing... but it's my Daddy's 62nd birthday so I gotta try and make him smile.  At least for a bit.  But more on that stuff another time.
Today will be a good day. A great one even. 
I was quite an insomniac last night and I realized a few things. Namely;
1. I have gained 60 lbs in 3.5 years!
2. I am completely out of shape wheras 4 years ago I could bike from Birchmount & Finch to the Beaches (for you non Torontontians... that's pretty damn far - hold on I'll check the mileage on Google Maps....10 miles... or 16.7 km... and I was still able to walk the next day (sitting was a different story. Oh, the bruising!)
3. I have now quit smoking cigs. This fact ALONE means a lot.  I was in a serious love affair with my DuMauriers.  But I left 'em in the dust.   So if I can do that, I can go back to looking, acting and feeling how I did 4 years ago.  EVEN WITH Fibromyalgia... right?
Right.
I've been carrying the financial assistance forms for the YMCA in my purse for over a week.  Need to go do it, but we're pretty tight at the moment so Wii Fit will have to do for now (for a couple weeks, 'till some of our outstanding cheques start comin' through the mail slot!!! DAMN DELIQUENTS!)

And, I went to Chapters and bought books on a fertility diet, so before I go for groceries I am gonna actually look through that book and make a list so that I'm not wandering aimlessly looking for pregnant women in the store so I can buy what they are eating.... 

So today will be a great day.  Even though when I read this blog to D just now (hoping for some kind of positive reaction)... well.... lets just not even go there. Smile, nod & DO MY THANG. (sorry... in the process of finding a new mantra)