Whiney whiney BITCH PANTS

I'm really in a self pitying mood lately.

It's my upcoming birthday/ big news of if this cycle turned out well or not.  I think.

Or it could just be that I feel like throwing a temper tantrum single every day.

I'm scared that finding out the results of the pregnancy test will make me spiral down into a deeper sadness over the bad luck and unpleasantness that seems to follow me through out my life lately.

It's like no matter how hard I try, things SUCK and will continue SUCKING for... an indefinate amount of time.

I'm sorry that I'm being such a whiner but I have really had it.

This birthday (and year) was supposed to be the year of ME.

Now all special plans and mentions of magical fun times have been swallowed into my family's typical obsession  with all things depressing & sad.

My grandma being in hospital is the icing on the cake - we spent much of last year in hospitals & palliative care wards with my uncle.  Our family really needs a break.  We were going to take a cruise together (ALL of us, which has NEVER happened, and D has never even left our home province!) but... that's cancelled now. (Don't misconstrue this, I love my grandma and am so sad about the state of her health.  I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, and same goes for my Dad (it's his mother).  I guess I'm just being selfish when I say "when will it be time for GOOD TIMES???" 

Seems like the last several years have just been full of shit.

But, the thing that's making me the MOST upset is that my parents signed me up for that presentation (about a Slovak writer who was deeply affected by the loss of his family through the Holocaust) that I've been complaining on twitter about for weeks.  They didn't even really ask me.  And it's going to take up most of my birthday weekend, and prevents me & D from being able to go anywhere. And it's such a depressing topic to make matters even worse.   Every play or poetry reading that my parents are involved in is always about death.  Talk about morbid!

My birthdays in the last 10 years have been full of tears, lonlieness & aggravation.  I was really hoping that for my dirty 30 things would be better. 

Doesn't look like it.

I'm still trying to hold out a bit of hope for a BFP but the bigger part of me is telling my hopeful part to not get too excited.

I'm just not a fairy tale ending kind of girl.

Empty Womb on a Wordless Wednesday

I had a rough night last night.
An unexpected pregnancy announcement on facebook had me reeling in emotion from 2:39am onwards. Instead of wallowing in a self-pitying post though, I'll make use of Wordless Wednesday and share some images that had me pissing my pants laughing yesterday.

And a couple of them are pretty applicable to my current state of the Infertility Blues.

I think I'm gonna make an appointment today to have my Cunt examined......

And I'll prolly take my trusty friend with me..... 

A girl who's T.T.C. can never get enough of her Sperman after all!

But we have to make sure first that there isn't a...

And maybe after my appointment we'll go here for some lunch....

Or maybe here...

 I feel like having...

\I wonder if I'd be more fertile if I had a...

And I know while I'm at the doctor I should make sure I don't have any fresh STD's... 

I HAVE to get one of these for my kids (if & when I have them that is!!)

And if I never do have any kids then the rest of my life will be a....

And I'll blow you all to hell with my....

And... JUST CUZ THEY ARE HILARIOUS...

um.... WHAAAAAT???!?!

 *phew* it's a good thing that I saw that last sign, 'cuz I really feel like dying right now... 

But since it's strictly forbidden I guess I'll continue on with my day. 

Hope I made ya piss your pants ....er.... giggle :p

Fresh Start?

 

In my last post I expressed the desire to start anew, flip over the 'ol mattress of my mind & open up the windows to let the light in.  So to speak.

Yeah. I'm having issues with that.

Whilst my blog has taken on a clean, crisp & new appearance, my mind didn't get the memo & has instead remained in it's prior state of wallowing in it's own self-repugnance.

This morning at the Orthapedic clinic I felt myself sinking into a cesspool of jealousy (the very feeling that I am trying to STOP feeling) when realizing that I was the only 'be-crutched' patient in the whole clinic who had to come in alone, had no coffee or tea for the wait (carrying hot liquids on crutches is bad to one's health, I have discovered this week) AND, to add insult to injury, Twitter was virus-ed (like, when does that EVER happen?) just in my time of emotional need & vulnerability.

This left me wondering; How on EARTH did I get by before my tweeties?

Oh - and I also had this long & wonderful post typed out about how I downloaded BlogPress for my iPhone and will thusly be blogging much more often.... and then my phone glitched and I lost the whole damn thing.

AND all that was BEFORE the appointment, during which my poor knee was made to bend & twist in ways I try to avoid when I'm NOT injured.... and also before I was told that I may wind up having to have a scope surgery to investigate further what's wrong with my knee. 

So for today I'll leave it at this... I'm going to crawl into my fuzzy bathrobe, under my fuzzy blanket & try and keep my mind in fuzzy, warm thoughts.

And maybe tomorrow I'll have another fresh start.

#beingabigfathugewhalesucks

I'm in a dark hole that I am digging further and further into.
Went for a hike on Saturday, and despite many AMAZING photos, and good company, the one thing that is sticking in my brain are the (earth-shattering-reality-bringing) images of me on the video that D took.
I'm a ginormous fat blob.
I can't believe I let myself get like this.
I weeble.  I wobble. 
And I was fucking sore yesterday.  After a WALK. 
And I'm totally stuck in a job that perpetuates my lifestyle of sitting at home, eating, and being depressed.  And not having enough time for myself - despite a clear need.

And...
I'm officially too depressed at the moment to be insightful. ...

to be continued...... 


ps.  I posted this to reach out to anyone who may feel like this at times too. You're never alone. And neither am I. Sorry for the uber depressing nature, but it happens to all of us from time to time.