A quick update...

I've been so bad at blogging lately.
I'm sorry - I hope you haven't missed my nonsense too much! :P
I'm planning to make a big come back once our work season starts again (Spring)....

Some of the reasons I've been so busy are:

1. WE ARE TTC AGAIN!!!! WOOOOHHOOOOO! 
This month was our return to Clomid, and it went a lot smoother than Cycles 1-3 in 2009.   I think having the mental preparation of what would happen with the introduction of all these hormones was a HUGE help.   March 6th (my Dirty Thirty!) marks the end of this year's first two week wait, and I'm encouraged by all the 'good omens' that have happened on this cycle  (I ovulated on Canadian Family Day, and my birthday is the end of the 2ww)

2. My grandma is in hospital.  This requires a lot of co-ordinating meal times with my parents so that someone familiar is there at every meal.  It's been a struggle, but seeing her sit up to eat, and hearing that my dad and her went for a jaunt around the ward after 3 weeks of her being bed-ridden, makes me so happy.
She's going to be 88 this August and she is probably the strongest and most indestructable woman I know! She survived the Holocaust, breast cancer twice, had a tumour removed from her brain at 84, almost died due to complications from the anti-biotics, and now she's pulling through again!  I'm so proud of her. 

3. Trying to get life on track is time consuming!
Doing yoga has been taking a lot of my (used to be) internet-surfing/tv watching/ tweeting time... though in the last week I sort of fell of the bandwagon (progesterone suppository side effects are NO FUN!) but before that I was doing well, daily practice. If you want to view some of the flow's I've been enjoying you can do so HERE.  I'd love to hear that my meager little attempt at getting in shape has inspired others - it give me such a motivation boost!
Eating better is more time consuming as well, what with the veggie chopping, fish seasoning and rice boiling.  It's been an uphill battle with my junk food addiction, and I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm seeing improvements with the little changes that I'm making & that's really encouraging. 

Another other than that... I'm just waiting for work to start up again (it makes such a huge difference, not only financially but also spiritually, when my days have more structure to them.)

This summer is going to be great- all these steps that D & I are taking towards improving our lives has me so excited! Stay tuned for more frequent blog posts about our progress, both in terms of TTC and also in terms of our new healthier life!

Happy New Year & All that jazz...

So I'm a bit late in wishing you all a Happy New Year - better late than never though, right?

I'm sorry I've been scarce.

I've been busy trying to change my life.

Most of you follow me on Twitter so you know that I've taken a plunge into the wonderful world of yoga, and have been going to a prenatal class at a studio on Tuesday nights, but also have been doing my own practice at home.

WHAT AN AMAZING DIFFERENCE SO FAR!
And it's only been 3 weeks.

The other major change I'm making is my diet.
Since beginning yoga again my body has been telling me to detox, but I have been having a really hard time meshing my more natural food desires with D's fast food fetish.  Last night we ate seperate meals, and I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. Still have to do some work on this aspect of things though.

What spiked this sudden return to the blogosphere was my appointment at a Fibromyalgia and Cannibology specialist yesterday.  First of all, he claims that my biggest issue is a sleep disorder, and not fibro.  Weird right?   So now my GP is setting up a sleep study for me (which I'm totally nervous for 'cuz I hate sleeping away from home)...

He gave me homework too - in the form of reading and writing.  If anyone is interested in reading his books, I can give you his website address, just leave me a comment below.  I don't want to publicly advertise his name on my blog.  The homework is really interesting so far, and actually is in part the reason for my return to blogging. Last night I spent an hour after yoga filling in the first few pages of a workbook he gave me called "The Magic Pen; Creative Writing for Self Discovery".  I have to admit, I'm hooked, not only to this doctor's unique and more holistic method, but also to his  energy and encouragement that I CAN change my life.

Last but not least, I have to lose weight.  He claims this will be the easiest part, if I don't cheat.  He claims I can lose 100 lbs. in one year.  The diet he's proposing is a bit extreme so I may alter it slightly.  He says I should eat 2 small meals a day, one at 10:30, one at 4:30/5pm.  And only veggies, chicken, fish and a TINY bit of carbs.  And that's IT.  No fruit for a year.  No snacking in between meals - PERIOD.  I think I'll have to have some healthy snacks set up for throughout the day - I can't fathom going without some munchies for a whole day!

The cannibology part of his practice is fascinating to me (for obvious reasons, if you #knowyourNaVe!) He says I will qualify no problem for a medical MJ card, so that will be in the works soon as well.  Not going to go into too much depth here, for obvious reasons, but basically I'll just say - this is the beginning of the rest of my life!

And you will be around to witness it! I swear, I couldn't do it without my constant venting system, AKA Twitter. KUDOS to all my lovely tweeties. You all are my support system and saving grace! Love you!


*in case you are wondering, the picture above is me, about 5 years ago (pre-fibromyalgia), doing camel pose.  Just a bit of inspiration for anyone thinking that fat girls can't do yoga - I was thinner then but as you can see, still far from a twig.  Yoga is great for anyone!*

Empty Womb on a Wordless Wednesday

I had a rough night last night.
An unexpected pregnancy announcement on facebook had me reeling in emotion from 2:39am onwards. Instead of wallowing in a self-pitying post though, I'll make use of Wordless Wednesday and share some images that had me pissing my pants laughing yesterday.

And a couple of them are pretty applicable to my current state of the Infertility Blues.

I think I'm gonna make an appointment today to have my Cunt examined......

And I'll prolly take my trusty friend with me..... 

A girl who's T.T.C. can never get enough of her Sperman after all!

But we have to make sure first that there isn't a...

And maybe after my appointment we'll go here for some lunch....

Or maybe here...

 I feel like having...

\I wonder if I'd be more fertile if I had a...

And I know while I'm at the doctor I should make sure I don't have any fresh STD's... 

I HAVE to get one of these for my kids (if & when I have them that is!!)

And if I never do have any kids then the rest of my life will be a....

And I'll blow you all to hell with my....

And... JUST CUZ THEY ARE HILARIOUS...

um.... WHAAAAAT???!?!

 *phew* it's a good thing that I saw that last sign, 'cuz I really feel like dying right now... 

But since it's strictly forbidden I guess I'll continue on with my day. 

Hope I made ya piss your pants ....er.... giggle :p

One year closer......

So, it's my 29th birthday today, I'm one year closer to the year that I've kinda always put out as my "deadline".   Deadline for what you ask?  

Um....

STUFF!
...


lol. Okay no, seriously - I always thought I'd be married with kids & a career (or a career driven/millionaire hubby making it possible for me to become a professional SAHM)... but I'm pretty much NOT EVEN CLOSE to that reality.... nor am I close to my UTOPIA reality.

But I'm zen about it.  Really.   I'm "livin' in the moment".  And I actually mean that for once in my life. My latest bout of darkness has brought anew my optimism for the future.   And today, on the day that I'm exactly 365 days away from the deadline that I've been envisioning since the day I knew how, I'm cool.  I'm calm.  I'm collected.

I'm pretty happy, and I know where I need (and where I WANT) to be next year.  (for real, not where I thought I'd be in my 6,7,8 etc... year old mind)

So this morning I thought I'd share 5 of the  things I WANNA accomplish in my 29th year. (I tweeted and warned you all about the I WANNA'S coming up today!... )

Not exactly a resolution list, just kind of a guideline to help me in a few months when I'm floating aimlessly through my long -anticipated summer.

1. Get to the gym.   I was 80 lbs. thinner just 3 short years ago.  I know I can do it, and I think it will help HUGELY with my fibromyalgia, endo and pcos if I get back there. Here's a pic to help you (and me) visualize:

This was about 4 years ago actually - but still... thin(er).

And now?
.... searching.... searching..... searching....



Geez - it's super hard to find a current full body shot!  That'll show ya right there how much I need to do this!

Okay - here's one.... me trying to convince myself to get in the freezing cold Georgian Bay last summer.....

OMG I can't believe I'm even putting this picture online.  You wouldn't believe the verbal thrashing that D got for taking an unprepared shot of me from behind....

But I digress...

2. Music Music Music -  gotta get back on the singer/songwriter bandwagon.   If nothing else I have learned that me drifting away from my creativity is never ever a good thing. Want to get a recording done or at least mostly done this year.  A professional recording.  That I can sell on iTunes.  I don't care if it's far fetched. I'm doin' it.

3. GET PREGGO!  Ok, so I can't exactly control this one, but #'s 1& 2 may help keep me sane and fit and zen and all that good fertility stuff.

4.Go somewhere - this is kinda vague.   Ok - go somewhere outside Ontario.  D has never left Ontario, and I have a serious travel bug that has remained unfed for 10 years, and may just feed on my eyeballs if I don't satisfy it soon.






5. Become a better/ more involved family member.   I need to get over some shit.  It's about f'ing time.   If that means I have to be more mature than my mother/parents/elder  then so be it.


 
So that's it - hope you enjoyed....  I'm off to finish my quiet (read:early!!!) birthday morning of blogging, tweeting and catching up on my favorite people's lives.   Today, more than before, I cherish the new connections and friendships I'm making through this blog and my tweets.  I've always had a cloud over me on my birthday - no one seemed to care, or remember, or notice.  You all have given me the strength to realize that those people don't matter -  and the one's who do are with me all the time in my mind and heart.

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

FINALLY! Some forward movement!

The calls came in!
At long last!
I have a plan!




Sorry for the exclamations but I'm so excited. This could mean a lot of new things for me (and D... us!)  As many of you know I was less than pleased with the way things were going at my fertility clinic.  I felt like a piece of meat - handled indelicately and poked and prodded at will. I barely saw my doctor, other than when she did my laproscopy, the results of which were discussed with me only moments after waking up and then never again. Not to mention the distinct impression that I was being treated as if I was a hypochondriac with every question I asked.

BUT, I'm not going to delve too far into complaining about her though because I'm hoping that today's news means I don't have to go back there ever again.

 The first appointment that I was expected was actually a referral made by above mentioned fertility doctor.  I have been waiting since November for it.  I was pretty much in crisis mode when the referal was made, and now I'm not really in that place anymore, which is making me a bit nervous for the appointment.  It's for counseling services for infertiles provided by a Woman Centered Hospital. Sounds great right? I'm hoping it will pan out to be great.  I'm not in crisis anymore but as it was very Clomid related I'm hoping that if I put a safety net into action now  then I won't have to find myself in that dark hole again. ( I went into a deep dark depression, remnants of which are still visible in my earlier blogs) That appointment is on February 24th at 9am.

The second appointment was the referral that the gyno that I saw a couple of weeks ago.  I am VERY excited for this one! It is a doctor who specializes in Endometriosis and PCOS and he has scheduled off 50 min for me!  I don't think I have spoken with my fertility doctor for 50 min. in TOTAL counting all the times I have been to that clinic! So I am pretty stoked for that one - hoping to get some answers finally! Let's get the ball rolling! That appointment is on March 15th at 10am.

So I'm excited! It's going to be good! Things will get going again, and I can have my baby-focus back :D



Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Who am I?

Things are pretty much back to normal now (thank goodness) so now I can get to some of the posts I have been scheming up in my head but was too scatter-brained to actually write down

Ok - so,  cliques.  Totally  high school right?   So how come, even though I am almost 30 years old, and starting to worry I may not be able to identify with my teenage children, when I finally have them... how come am I still dealing with it all now?!?!?!   I was always hoping that it would pass, as adolescence did, as did early university years, my early 20's and... my more innocent days.   But here it is - constantly and consistantly staring me in the face.

Mainly from out of  facebook's html frames.

I have expressed, in numerous tweets, how I will NEVER go on facebook, ever again. Even D reminded me about 15 min ago (as I hastily checked a fb email from a friend I knew back in elementary school, who tagged me in a pic of me when I was about 9 yrs old.  GREAT.) that I swore - NEVER AGAIN!  One too many pregnancy announcements, storybook weddings, fairytale vacations, and ab-so-fucking-lutely one to many of "those girls" on my list.   (for those twitter amigas and amigos who wanted to exchange facebook's with me - there you have it... the reason why I won't).

I went to a highly prestigious, very  competititve, all girls private school.  I started there in gr. 7 and did 5 years (fast-tracked and did 6 years in 5, which pretty much drove me to insanity!) And, as a result of being in  this environment during some of the more formative years of my life, my facebook is now filled with high acheiving, mostly quite wealthy, women - who all started IN EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE THAT I DID worked hard to get where they are.

Ok- so let me step back a moment and say - I really do believe that all my high school girlfriends worked extremely hard to get where they got.  And despite the fact that I have my moments of insane jealousy (which helps the muse fusing this particular post), I know that I too, if I had made different choices (some of them haven't really felt like choices) and basically, if I had led a different post-high school life, I too could have been in their shoes.  Or at least closer.  Some had a lot more advantages than I did - my parents had to work really hard to put me through that type of school - and they never let me forget it, nor did I have things handed to me.

But I worked god damn hard too. I had horrid jobs, I started from scratch, without help from my parents, or anyone really... and even when I was at my lowest points mentally&emotionally  I still supported myself and was never homeless or starving. Or into hard drugs.   It's not fair that  some of the choices I made due to my (now past) mental illness are now coming back to bite me in the ass every time I "login"....

I want to be able to travel to different destinations around the world every year (or every few months!)
(I have travelled quite a bit in my life, but not at all in the last 10 years)
I want to have beautiful pictures of family and friends dressed up to celebrate my wedding.
(I am really learning the "art and skill" involved in being a wife - which is why I call D my DH... but we are still just common-law husband & wife)
I want to have proud new mommy pictures and turn my fb page into an online shrine for my child (with the odd pic of me in the mix at some point)
(well.... we all know the lovely long infertiliy story that goes behind this one)

and so... longer story made shorter.... I am still not in the right "clique".
I'm not a mom.
I'm not a carefree spirit roaming the earth trying to find myself, or at the very least, make things better.
I'm not even techically a wife.

So who am I?

I'm not sure... but the woman whom I find when I finally figure that out, I'm sure that she'll be stronger for having asked these types of questions.
And I do try to help the earth in what measly ways I can - I recycle, when I do work as a decorator I try to use only eco-friendly products/manufacturers, I used to ride my bike everywhere (pre fibromyalgia & endometriosis)...and I plan to use cloth diapers when my TTC dream is finally realized...
So I'm not that bad, from what I do already know :p

Final thought?   Even in our darkest hours, there is a lesson learned.  No regret, no looking back, move forward and things will enivitably be as they should be*.

*a lesson I learned (but am still trying to LIVE) when I was in dialectical behavior therapy.   I used it as a mantra for a while.   It helped me.

My Newest Distraction

I've been kind of out of circulation on Twitter today and yesterday because, in addition to my severe Dexter addiction, I have also re-started an old project that I began when I first quit smoking about 7-8 weeks ago. (so kicking myself in the pants for not noting that exact date now! I really didn't think that it would stick... ) I knew right off that I would need to find something to do with my hands (keep your mind outta the gutter, people!) so I started knitting a baby blanket. 

Now, since I am on a Clomid break, and not in the full swing of TTCing, because of various reasons (money, identity crisis, to name a couple) I thought I had to change the direction of said blanket. Because it's just depressing me, and remind me of the unsurities that I  am dealing with. 

I have however already purchased a great array of wool, suited to a baby (boy or girl colours) and have already thought up the scheme for it.

So, while I am not twittering, I am making a blanket that is, or is not, for my future baby. And if it has to sit, along with my secret IKEA baby blanket, stashed away in the back corner of my linen closet, so be it.  At least I'll be ready - and it kind of makes me feel pro-active again.   Like, ok, so we're broke, and I can't be on Clomid, or do the trigger shots, or the progesterone after... but I CAN eat better, continue to not smoke(which the knitting TOTALLY helps with by the way), try to excersize ( which I have yet to manage to do- by the time I walk up the big hill out side our building after a dog walk, I'm officially K.O)... and, I CAN make my spirit baby a blanket. 

Pictures to come :)

I can see the light!

It's there.  The glimmer of excitment, the spark of motivation, the beginning of my next positive wave.  I'm starting to see it in the distance.  

In retrospect - could this past episode of extended darkness have been off-clomid (therefore disguised in a cloak of soul shattering doubt) PMS?  I can be  moody but it doesn't generally linger on and on for days at a time....

Who knows.  Who gives a fuck.  I'm just glad that I can see the end now.

To my followers who stayed through (and read about ) my dark & depressing few days - THANKS!   I appreciate the support more than you know.

Ok - so on to more interesting things.

Today I did an impulsive but albeit very profitable and mood-lifting thing.
D and I went to the Peanut Plaza to get some stuff from the dollar store (mainly an old school corded phone which will work better with our Magic Jack than a cordless. *sidenote, if you don't have a MagicJack and you call people long distance.... GET ONE!  $20.00 a year.   Unlimited.  Need I say more!...)....

But I digress...

Beside the dollar store is this hole-in-the-wall herbal tea/supplement store.  I've never gone inside before - much preferring the brightly lit isles of the local GNC Stores, or even my Shopper Drugmart has a pretty good selection nowadays... but today, I went in. 

The man in there was so helpful, knew exactly what I wanted/needed before I had even finished saying "infertility, endometriosis, fibromyalgia".  And I got some stuff for D too- maybe his horrid eating habits can be slightly improved if I force vitamins down his throat.    In the end I wound up only spending $60.00 and I got prenatal vitamins for me, multi vitamins for D and L-Arginine for D as well.   And he also had 2 chinese herbal vitamins I had been looking for - Ho Shou Wu Tablets and Angelica Compound Tablets.  Fantastic!  I was so ecsctatic I can't even explain it in words.  Like, jump up and down in front of the shy, quiet store man ecstatic. 

We are seasonal workers, meaning we don't operate full time in the winter, and we pretty much put ourselves in the poor house at the fertility clinic.  A one month cycle of Clomid, trigger shot & progesterone, not including the reccomended vitamins for D cost over $500 at the clinic! Not included the reccomended IUI's (which we haven't been able to afford to do yet. Hoping to in the spring)  The worst thing was that those treatments didn't even have any hope of improving the reasons behind our infertility problems.  And the fact that I am in a ridiculous amount of pain and can't work, or function, makes me kinda sorta wanna know... WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!?!  The whole reason I went to the clinic in the first place was the pain & obvious issues with my menstral cycle.  And my fertility doctor just is not interested solving those issues.   She just wants me preggo.  And don't get me wrong, I want that too, but I have issues (physical and emotional) that needed resolving first.   She was initially supposed to have been operating on me to just to see if I had endometriosis, and the next thing I knew I was on Clomid & in the middle of a battle with time for my future child. 

This more hollistic approach to gaining back my fertility just may be the key to my worries.   It gives me time to resolve some of the issues within my relationship with D so that episodes of doubt  like the last one don't have to happen.

If anyone has ever taken any of the Chinese Herbal Medicine tablets I mentioned  before, I'd REALLY love to hear from you! Positive or negative experiences.   I am trying these things because we can't afford to do medical treatment at the moment.   I have no clue if they work but I'm more than willing to try.  I've been trying my best to stay "herbal" for the last several years.  I would be so blissfully happy if I managed to get preggo via Chinese Herbal Medicine vs. more invasive Western Medical techniques.  

I leave you now to work on a new blog I am starting - going to leave you with a bit of mystery, but I promise, I will reveal all soon! 

Oh! And leave some comments, will ya?  I tore my hair out this afternoon fixing my layout, and I certainly hope that it fixed any comment posting issues.    :) 

A little more detail...

I've been meaning to do a "who am I" series of posts since I started this thing... but it seems life's little ups & downs keep dragging me from my plans. 
Tonight is the night tho.  At least for part of my story... Here I go. 

I'll start back in 1999.  I graduated from high school a year early (in Ontario we used to have 13 grades, I "fast-tracked" to get out early).   I hadn't planned on doing this throughout the course of my high school education, but a summer trip to Oxford, England made me realize that I really needed to get out on my own. ASAP.   So as soon as I returned to Toronto I high-tailed it to my high school and changed around my whole schedule so that I could finish a year ahead.  

As brilliant as that plan had been (to get out of my parents' stifling home), I pretty much lost my mind that final year of high school.   Too much stress I suppose - my school was a high-pressure, fancy-shmancy all girls private school, and I was taking a more than full course load, all while doing an insane amount of extra-curriculars.   I officially burnt out in March 1999, started cutting, and wound up in the psych ward at the hospital.



Before that, I had always felt that there was 'something' in me that kept me from acheiving happiness.  I was always melancholy, a bit dark, introspective (though not shy) and had brief bouts of depression/eating problems from the age of 13+.  They came to a peak in 1999 and I started my journey into the world of psychiatric medicine.  


I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but basically I have been on almost every anti-depressant there is, have had 4 different diagnosis', and in the end... I really don't think there was a need for any of it. In fact, I think some of my problems have stemmed from being put on the wrong medications at too young an age. More about that in another post... 



Those trials & tribulations lasted from 1999 to about 2004.  During that span of time I went through 2 extremely abusive relationships, was kicked out of my parents' home (after having to come back from residence life at University due to mental health issues), and basically did a whole shit load of stuff that I either can't remember or am totally ashamed of.(I may write more candidly about this part of my life in a later post as well, theraputic reasons mostly, I think it would be good to finally owe up to some stuff and just move on)



But for now... Lets skip to the part where things start getting better. 


I wound up living in Government Housing (ok, so that's not the getting better part, but it's coming I promise!) in a really crappy & dangerous neighbourhood with a really abusive guy.  That was not a good time in my life, but I have to mention it in the "getting better" chapter because that's where I met & fell for my hubby.   We were roomies while I was with "the looseball" (that's what we both call him now)  and we became close friends really quick due to our common love of all things animal.  We also had so many other things in common, and he made me laugh, and laughter was so foreign to me at the time.  I had pretty much been living through 5 years of total hell up until then.  


Being friends with him gave me the confidence to move out of that hell hole, and in 2005 I got my first real apartment, and my first real home as an independant person.  


I lived in my pretty pink & white girly space for a year before I decided that I just HAD to tell future-hubby what my feelings were.... 


And luckily he reciprocated!

After that it was a pretty quick turn-around from my one and only year as a single woman, to being in a wifey roll.  He moved in, bringing his various reptiles, giant fish tanks  and 2 big dogs with him ( much to the dismay of my only kitty at the time, Sessie, who lived in my walk in closet for a month before re-staking her territory from the dogs).  Did I mention I had been living in a bachelor apartment??   It was... cozy!


After about 4 months of tripping over fish tanks & animals we realized we really really needed to get a bigger place and so we moved away from my beautiful apartment (which was in a GREAT part of town) and got the 2 bedroom apartment we live in now, which is in a part of town I really don't like.  Now it's just about saving that dough so we can get a house. 


Things are pretty calm now in my life,  other than the medical aspect of things (infertility, fibromyalgia, endometriosis) And for that I am grateful.  It gives me time to think about the things that I want to improve, instead of just being in emotional crisis mode all the time.  

I am getting better at facing my past - hopefully blogging about it will help to make it truly my PAST, and not just baggage that I carry around in the present.  
'till next time!