Please 'scuse my MIA status....

I thought I would take some time on this sunny Monday morning to explain my MIA status on Twitter lately. And my sporadic blog postings. I really do like to make an effort to write every day, but I've been just swamped.   I don't know if it's intentional ( as in, did I intentionally overpack my life so as to run away from the darkness I experienced recently? I don't know) however, my schedule has been insane lately.

Many of you know that I run a home-operated company with D, and that during the winter, our off-season, we are really not that busy.   But in the last week I have felt like we're in mid-November, our highest peak, and running full force - only, making no money at it.   We've been gathering our resources, talking to people, searching our files for letters, receipts, PROOF!  that we don't owe the $5000 that we're being sued for.

So that has been fun.
HAHAHAHA.
Yah.

And we've also become a professional moving team.  Since Wednesday we've been up at my parents house moving furniture around, bringing stuff home (my living room now looks like a memorabilia hall of fame)  On Thursday we packed up and moved, and then unpacked and assembled/put away what was left in my Uncle's condo so that my parents could rent it out.  There was a lot more stuff there than I thought there would be so we had to go back on Friday to finish up......

Then, Saturday was my birthday.... didn't really do much actually.  Got my hair done - I know, I promised pics but it's sticking straight up on end at this moment 'cuz she put product in it (something I never ever do) and I just woke up. But I will show ya a pic of the fab stuff I got. (and the link for the book which is BEAUTIFUL)

And Sunday I did my usual trip to the hospital at noon, and then we went out with my family (including my cousin whom I have never met who flew in from Israel on Sunday morning!Though it's a sad & depressing reason for a visit, I am so glad to be finally meeting her.  She was like a sister to my Mom growing up.)

So, needless to re-iterate, I've been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and I think I'm paying for it a bit now.  My health (and therefore energy level/endurance abilities) are SUPER diminished.... I think I'm going to have to lay real low today.  But that's good 'cuz hopefully I can catch up on what you all have been doing and writing about in the last few days!  Remember.....


OH YAH! and PS...

Thanks to everyone who voted for the songs! I Love You took the lead. with 61% preferring it to Caution.   Now - the question is.... since I have no money currently to go to a studio to record it... shall I keep the polls open?

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

I'M ANGRY!!! please love me.... NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

I've been having a bit of a mood crisis in the last couple of days.

It's not something new, it's a demon I've been living with for pretty much my whole life.  It appears, it disappears, it appears, it disappears - it's starting to seem like my own misery gets sick of me and goes for a vacation from time to time.

This time, this crisis of mood  is coming at inopportune timing.   Generally when this feeling creeps in and starts to take over my (attempt at a) zen-ish brain I immediately start doing stuff.
Stuff to distract me from the growing unease, the unexplained anger, the darkness.
New stuff - signing up for classes at the local college, joining a new gym or class at the old  gym, trying to meet new musical com-padres to collaborate with on my vocal ventures and experiments...

This time I'm having issues doing those things.  Any of them - all of them.  None of them are getting me anywhere because I am simply too achy or down in the dumps and thus lacking the motivation required for diving into something new.

And thus I'm here, talking to you, my tweeps and blogles, whining in a most unbecoming way, which is starting to seem like an (unattractive) habit.

In a blatant attempt to try and make my misery (anger?) seem more interesting, something that someone would want to read about, and also to try to identify with someone other than a past version of myself, I am once again reaching out to Ani for inspiration, comfort and a l'il bit of good ol' venting.



And there, in an angry outburst of carefully planned melodies and words, is how I feel.

Pretty much to a 't'.

So now, the question that I'm mulling on, and now throwing out into the universe...

How do I switch it off? If I'm too physically stuck(sick?) to be able to vacate the area  (and generally by vacating I am thus shoving my negative feelings and emotional baggage under the carpet in my living room)...what am I to do?
Has anyone else been in this kind of predicament?  

Insight will be greatly appreciated, and good insight will be revered.

Overlaping on Valentine's Day

 So, today is Valentine's Day.

I typically have a hard time on V-Day - always have.  When I was in high school I never got a "Valentine-o-gram" like everyone else (the boys and girls schools would have booths set up the week leading up to v-day and you could buy these little packages for guys at your brother school and vice versa).




My boyfriends have always seemed to be really nonchalant about Valentine's Day as well - I don't know how a romantic sap like me keeps winding up with men who don't have a romantic bone in their bodies.

But this year I have made up my mind. I will have a good Valentine's Day. And, as my post from yesterday reminded me, I looked to Ani to refresh my romantic feelings and lovey-dovey ness towards D.

There are a bunch of Ani songs that I identify with this relationship of mine.  Some when I'm in an angry mood, some if I'm sad, and a lot when I'm happy too.  This one in particular rings really true to me. It's the ringtone on my cell when D calls. It's the song I listen to when I have qualms/fears/doubts about why I'm still here.

Here are the lyrics:

"Overlap"

I search your profile
for a translation
I study the conversation
like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking,
no, I'm not done looking yet

each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no,
I'm not done looking yet

I build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
I suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the backround, I guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

I build each one of my days out of hope
and I give that hope your name
and I don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no, I'm not done looking yet

I seach your profile for a translation
I study the conversation like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap

Here's a video with a recorded version of the song...





Here's an amazing video - same song but live.  She's better live than on CD I think. I always feel so connected to her when I'm in her audience. Sorry for the repetition, but she's so amazing live, and I love the casual way this video begins.




I hope you enjoyed, and I wish you all a very very Happy Valentine's Day!
For my single readers - one thing I like about Valentine's Day is that you can have more than one Valentine when you're single! Valentine it up today! Make your BFF your Valentine. Or find one of those "lock&key" Valentine parties at a club & live it up! :D



Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

My solution to most any issue in my life - - including writer's block!

We draw inspiration from all around us, from imagery, nature, books, movies - all these things allow our minds to create and imagine.

For me, a major source of inspiration is music, and in particular the music of Ani Difranco.

I started listening to Ani (yes, we are on a first name basis - in my mind anyways) a LOOOOONGG time ago.  I was in the 6th grade, and despite the fact that back then I didn't really understand what many of her lyrics meant, the ones that I did shook me to my core.  They were so powerful, but so simple.  They rolled off my tongue so simply, as if I had written them myself.

When I started teaching myself to play the guitar, originally I had planned to be able to play Ani songs - which I quickly realized was just NOT going to happen.  Such talent! I am awestruck by the sounds that she creates with her voice, her body and her guitar - and try as I might I have not been able to grasp the unique method in which she plays.  Only a few songs are 'easy' enough for me to manage, and even those (that I have played a million times over) escape me after months of not practicing.

I was pondering, not so patiently, about what to base my next post on when Ani's voice came to me through my laptop speakers...

"I was blessed with a birth and a death, and I guess I just want some say in between.

don't you understand? in the day to day and the face to face -

I have to act just as strong as I can just to preserve a place where I can be who I am.

so if you still know how talk to me now." 

Ani DiFranco (her first album, despite what it says on Amazon it was put out in 1990)

Isn't she amazing?

 As I said, I started listening to Ani about 17  (1993/94) years ago.  She came out with her first album "Ani Difranco" in 1990 but I quickly caught up - she had already come out with 5 CD's by 1993 and once I had purchased my first Ani CD, Like I said, I was hooked and bought the previous 4 the next day.

Ani was there for me during my darkest times.  And this morning while faced with a completely blank mind she reached out and reminded me of an old habit that I have let go despite the fact that I think it's probably the healthiest habit I have ever taught myself. 

When I was in despair I always, without fail or falter, turned to Ani for answers.   I would literally talk to her - as she instructs me to in the song I shared with you above.   And everytime I did I came out more level headed, confident and self-aware. 

So now, my dear readers, I am want to share my inspriational idol...
the woman that I aspire to be "when I grow up"....

I was originally going to do a whole series of  "Ani" posts but now, after having written this one, I'm realizing that the power of Ani is best sprinkled in, appropriately and carefully - the same way she sprinkles her music with intellectuality, romance, romance-gone-wrong, politics and universal love. 

 Please comment!  With this post I am especially curious about feedback. (not that I am not already becoming totally obsessed with the amount of comments I get on other posts :P)

Do you love her as much as I do? Do you already know all about her?

Please, if you are a fellow Ani-lover then let me know! We can share the love!

Also, if you have a particular song you would like to hear me explore/relate to/tell you my story about, I'd be so into that! Fuse my Muse =)

ps. in case you want to do some follow up on your own....

You can go to Ani's webiste here.

You can visit the record label she started (which will be a whole other post!) here.