Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Spinning, whilrling, unfocused &foggy

I've been struggling in the last few days. I have a million posts in mind and can't seem to focus long enough to write them.

If you follow me on Twitter and read my blog regularly, you'll know that I tend to have these "waves" of dark&light days in my life.

Despite the fact that I'm embarking on a new & important journey in my life (vegan-ish lifestyle changes being implemented daily- which will be in a post coming up as soon as I can shake the fog) I'm faltering.

Failing to find within myself the drive to strive forward and find the success I know I can find if I really put my mind to it.

I have several (more obvious) obstacles.

1. Every time I find myself optimistic or hopeful about something, I inevitably seek support and encouragement from others and usually get shut down (Referring to my non-Twitter friends/family)
Really, my own excitement and cheer-leading should be enough for me and I hope one day soon to not seek so much outside approval.

2. Other people's negativity is completely contagious. It's like I'm a sponge and their negative fluids fill me and sink me. I hope that one day soon my positivity can outshine the darkness I see in people around me.

3. My physical ailments make me depressed. My brain knows that 'motion is lotion' as my mom preached to me through out my life. Meaning, I know that shedding some pounds and getting off my ass would help my conditions a lot. It's just that my body won't listen to my brain most of the time. It's not even that I'm lazy. It just hurts too damn much most of the time. And I'm a big wimp. When I do feel go however, just TRY to stop me.

And because of those things I haven't been feeling great in the last day or two (post-appointment on Monday I felt great but that feeling deflated rather quickly once faced with the reality of what it really means to change one's lifestyle)

That, added to the nasty comment I got is making for an icky stomach pit. Despite my best efforts I seem to be having a hard time getting over it. I have had dreams on both Sunday and Monday nights about the miscarriage comment. Hate to admit when I'm shaken but I sure am now. It's taking some real effort for me to keep my heart on my sleeve and doors to my mind wide open.

But I made a vow when I started this blog. I think it's important for there to be a sense of utter and complete honesty here in order for me to effectively reach out.

I also want to express how THANKFUL and GRATEFUL I am to the ladies who stood behind my retort to the anonymous chicken(head) commenter.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- I have found truer friends in you all than I have had in a very long time. Y'all are the reason I still have enough sanity to realize that I'll feel better if I blog it all out.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


  1. I'm looking forward to your vegan post. :)

  2. I am also looking forward to your vegan post!! :)

  3. *huge hugs!* we are always here for you and sending you positive vibes for you to soak up like a sponge until there's no room left for the negative ones!



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