Empty Womb on a Wordless Wednesday

I had a rough night last night.
An unexpected pregnancy announcement on facebook had me reeling in emotion from 2:39am onwards. Instead of wallowing in a self-pitying post though, I'll make use of Wordless Wednesday and share some images that had me pissing my pants laughing yesterday.

And a couple of them are pretty applicable to my current state of the Infertility Blues.

I think I'm gonna make an appointment today to have my Cunt examined......

And I'll prolly take my trusty friend with me..... 

A girl who's T.T.C. can never get enough of her Sperman after all!

But we have to make sure first that there isn't a...

And maybe after my appointment we'll go here for some lunch....

Or maybe here...

 I feel like having...

\I wonder if I'd be more fertile if I had a...

And I know while I'm at the doctor I should make sure I don't have any fresh STD's... 

I HAVE to get one of these for my kids (if & when I have them that is!!)

And if I never do have any kids then the rest of my life will be a....

And I'll blow you all to hell with my....

And... JUST CUZ THEY ARE HILARIOUS...

um.... WHAAAAAT???!?!

 *phew* it's a good thing that I saw that last sign, 'cuz I really feel like dying right now... 

But since it's strictly forbidden I guess I'll continue on with my day. 

Hope I made ya piss your pants ....er.... giggle :p

F*^#&%$ Positivity!

It's not been easy, but I'm doing it.... I'm sunny.  I'm GD optimistic and cheerful.  Dammit.

Here comes another slightly garbled post though - I'm so sorry! I'll take the decline in comments as a sign that y'all would prefer my normal writing style to return.  I'll send that memo up to my (foggy) brain asap.

Sess has still not (independently) eaten, though I have forced about 4 syringes of wet food and water, and at least 12 zillion of water alone into her... she growls with the food, so I don't do too much.  The maple syrup worked a bit though, I think I noticed the most change in her after starting that regiment. D and I went to the movies today to see Alice in Wonderland (slightly disappointing, not worth a review post) and when we got back she came to drink outta the tub! I tweeted it here.

This makes me (disproportionately?) happy

I am still not sleeping well, though I have taken to falling FAST asleep at around 4 or 5am in the last few nights, meaning that I'm getting a good 3- 4 hours of real sleep, which is an improvement from NONE.   The bad Baycrest dreams are getting shorter.  Appreciated.  Gone would be better.   But I'm being patient.   And trying to stay off the sleeping pills.  I don't wanna get hooked.  Finding a fuzzy comfy fog in a little blue pill every night seems just a wee bit too tempting now-a-days. 

And this morning I woke up with a crick in my neck - I look like a friggin' moron, turning my whole body to look around.

And, other than that, I'm pretty numb.  I'm immersing myself in work as much as possible (having D here instead of out doing the jobs is kind of distracting, but as of the 15th he'll be out doing sales calls, much better for growing our little company.  In my haste to anticipate having my days to myself again once Spring had sprung I forgot that hiring a crew meant that he did not have to work sun up to sun down if he didn't want to.  Right now we only have one vehicle, so he has to stay home with me all day 'till the crew returns.  As of the 15th we'll have two again.  Thank god, or I'd probably... I won't finish that sentence.)

I listened to my uncles songs yesterday and had a good cry... every so often I look up in the sky and look out for birds(wondering why?)...  I'm thinking of uploading some of his music for you all to hear - is that something that would appeal to y'all?  It's not in English but the melodies are gorgeous.  I'm not 100% how to do that without putting 'em on YouTube, or in my sidebar like my songs are, so any tips would be GREATLY appreciated! And I'm gonna get back on the Juri and the Bears Blog.   I think it could be a great support to adults and children alike, who are going through a terminal illness.

And my plans for today? I've got more company organization work to do, customer calling to do...


and more F*ing positivity to radiate.  <3

Mumbo, Jumbo & Sad

This post may seem sporadic and un-connected - but that's exactly my state of mind, so it's fitting.

The last week has been a whirlwind, I'm not going to re-cap cuz it's too painful.

If ya'll really wanna know what happened, you can read my last post, or read through my tweets to get a better sense of stuff.

For now, I'm just gonna write. Like you are my diary. 

It's been so weird being at my Mom & Dad's house for so many hours straight in the last few days for Shivah.  I haven't spent that much time there in years. It was the first time that I have been able to do it though, without fleeing home after an hour or two.  I usually get very uncomfortable, so I'm glad that didn't happen this time.

I'm already judging this post - thinking I'm leaving things out, not considering my words enough, not conveying  the 'right' message. But I'm gonna ignore those feelings.

I feel so fragile right now - like any more rocking of my boat will cause me to capsize. And possibly drown.  If not drown, than at least lose all my worldly possessions (my mind) in this wicked and wild sea of life.

I have so much admiration towards my parents' friends.  They have been so supportive. This is supposed to be a good thing, but it has made the sparse network of 'real life' friends that I travel in seem even more useless than it did before. This rocks my boat.

My Sessie cat is not feeling well.  She hasn't moved almost at all in 2 days, and won't eat, and I'm having to force feed water to her to keep her hydrated. And one of D's toxic toads got out, so I don't know if she came into contact with it. He found it in the dogs food dish.
This rattles and rocks my boat.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep without seeing and hearing my uncles last breath. Which means I can't sleep, even when I'm drugged (like last night, when I'd 'wake' from a 1/2 asleep state with odd thoughts in my brain...for example... if I forget the name of the diagnosis they gave my Dad in the hospital, I won't be able to help him if he feels sick again)

This VEHEMENTLY SHAKES my boat.

I'm thinking about the fact that when my parents die, if my network of 'real life' friends is as sparse and frivolous as it is right now I will undoubtedly capsize and sink to the bottom of the sea.

I'm thinking about how people keep telling me that my mother will undoubtedly crash after Shivah is over because she will have such an immense and seemingly unfulfillable void in her heart - and how they look at me like I'm supposed to know what to do is COMPLETELY freaking me out too.

This past week of trying to comfort her, act as her equal in terms of 'hostessing' the shivah house (despite the fact that one is really not supposed to do that in terms of Jewish tradition, but my Mom would not have it any other way) has all but made me bedridden.  I'm not sure how I'm still standing.  My legs and back are throbbing, almost constantly, but I'm so numb.  I can't even cry anymore. 

I keep thinking that I'm heartless because I only cried the day it happened, and the next day at the funeral.  It's like after the funeral I just turned it off somehow and I've been playing the happy hostess since.  But I'm exhausted.  And so not happy.

Ugh. This is enough for tonight.  I can't believe I'm posting something so un-planned, un-thought out, un-edited.

Take it or leave it people, it's all I got right now.

Light shining through!

So....the (not so) infamous "so crazy that she's sane" NaVe left the vicinity of my physical persona on Sunday.

She departed suddenly and without {?} provocation, leaving a shell, an empty hollow vessel of skin, a lump sitting on the couch being angry.

I could discuss the things that led up to her departure, but I feel that would be counterproductive, so instead I'll just tell you how it felt {feels}.  And how I got her back.

You have undoubtedly read my poetry entries (of course you have! No one misses a post - right?) and thus are acutely aware of the fact that my creativity is heightened during these happiness droughts in my life.  I'm  not sure why it is - I guess being melancholy is a catalyst to my creative juices.  It's almost like I can't speak "normally" during these times.  I become totally introverted in person, and my tongue doesn't work to say anything that isn't poetic.  I don't want to  speak, I only want write during these times - hence my twitter absence and {sporadic} poetic  posts.

It's as if my mind exists, for a time, only to create - not to live, eat, shit, drink, sleep, laugh, cry - or any of the things I "normally" do.

I also get really really angry when someone tries to pull me out of my darkness before I'm ready.   So, naturally, D got the short end of the stick quite a few times over the last few days.  He doesn't understand my inability to shed the dark at my whim.  And that makes me livid.  And when I'm livid I start doing things that I don't mean to do - like call my parents and tell them that I'm leaving him (which is a HUGE no no, 'cuz they remember EVERYTHING and hold grudges against anyone who makes me cry - even if the person is not really the one making me cry, but instead it's my own frustration seeping out).  Or delete my twitter account, blogpress and any other social networking media from my cell phone to "prove a point" (not sure what point I was trying to prove there, I just made myself more mad)

And it got even uglier.  But I digress. 


So - how did I get her back?  How am I making the return to my normal, slightly quirky, but pretty optimistic self?

Well, I wrote.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  I haven't written this much in years - and it felt GREAT!  And I have my twitter ladies (and a few gents) and blog readers to thank for that.

In the last few years I have recoiled from my creativity - falling victim to the constant down-pressing of certain people telling me my aspirations are "hoop dreams".   Now, after getting positive feedback and lovin' from my twitterverse and blogisphere - I'm back.  And with a vengeance!

So, my mission is to sort through some of the jumbled mess of words, find the gems, hopefully write some new music, and put these angry/frustrated/insightful few days of lyricism to good creative use.

Be on the look out - more poetry to come!  The songs will most likely take a while longer, but I'm working on a few beauts ;)

One last thing - THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU....


I am so pleased that this bout of darkness only lasted 4 days.

And it's LARGELY because of all of YOU!!!

ps.  Dontcha just love that pic?  I took that in 2008 on our yearly migration to the Bruce Peninsula, Ontario for a Pow Wow at the Cape Croker Indian Park.   We have a blast - every year!  Well - last year was quite buggy - but that's a whole other post! :P

Dark

 

Subdued cries of My frustrated mind
Echo beneath the layers of indiscretion
I have been neglecting
Ignoring
Depleting
Myself, my health, my life

Heaped under the carpet where I swept it
Stress festers, untended, growing
Into something I can't name
Can't claim
Can't tame

Exerted, my mind wanders alone
Into familiar but unsympathetic territory
Unarmed
Uncharmed

Unprepared
For the wholeness of the dark

Midnight (Insomnia)

 

Late night whispers of 

inspiration 

leave their breath on my fingertips while I 

{try to} sleep

Their moist breath 

lingers 

only for a moment before they flee

Leaving me 

wordless, 

thoughtless, 

careless.

In the morning when I wake
Alas

Only echoes of words 

heard, 

thought, 

dreamed,

Dance in my early morning blur

And laugh

At my silence.

I'M ANGRY!!! please love me.... NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

I've been having a bit of a mood crisis in the last couple of days.

It's not something new, it's a demon I've been living with for pretty much my whole life.  It appears, it disappears, it appears, it disappears - it's starting to seem like my own misery gets sick of me and goes for a vacation from time to time.

This time, this crisis of mood  is coming at inopportune timing.   Generally when this feeling creeps in and starts to take over my (attempt at a) zen-ish brain I immediately start doing stuff.
Stuff to distract me from the growing unease, the unexplained anger, the darkness.
New stuff - signing up for classes at the local college, joining a new gym or class at the old  gym, trying to meet new musical com-padres to collaborate with on my vocal ventures and experiments...

This time I'm having issues doing those things.  Any of them - all of them.  None of them are getting me anywhere because I am simply too achy or down in the dumps and thus lacking the motivation required for diving into something new.

And thus I'm here, talking to you, my tweeps and blogles, whining in a most unbecoming way, which is starting to seem like an (unattractive) habit.

In a blatant attempt to try and make my misery (anger?) seem more interesting, something that someone would want to read about, and also to try to identify with someone other than a past version of myself, I am once again reaching out to Ani for inspiration, comfort and a l'il bit of good ol' venting.



And there, in an angry outburst of carefully planned melodies and words, is how I feel.

Pretty much to a 't'.

So now, the question that I'm mulling on, and now throwing out into the universe...

How do I switch it off? If I'm too physically stuck(sick?) to be able to vacate the area  (and generally by vacating I am thus shoving my negative feelings and emotional baggage under the carpet in my living room)...what am I to do?
Has anyone else been in this kind of predicament?  

Insight will be greatly appreciated, and good insight will be revered.

Why I blog

Here are my top 16 reasons for starting a blog this year.

1. I have loved journalling my whole life, but don't make enough time for it.  Blogging is more convenient, plus I feel a responsibility to my readers to post often.  And it's more eco-friendly.

2. I need a place to vent where no body knows my name. All too often I have vented to the wrong person, only to have it come back and bite me in the ass.

3. I love writing and have gotten really rusty at being able to put sentences together that aren't full of slang/ errors.  Practice makes perfect.

4.The Global Village effect.  I think it's amazing at how small the world is when you're a blogger. I love how I feel "close" to women (and men) around the world because of blogging and twitter.

5. I really need an outlet for my emotional stuff.  This is different than venting, its not coming from an angry place.

6. DH is not great at conversing about above mentioned emotional stuff, so I need another support system sometimes.

7. It fills my bored moments (read:insomnia)  with something more productive than staring at other people's lives on facebook.

8. I think it will make me more self aware.

9. Reading other peoples blogs is helping me to become more aware (in general) and also less judgmental.

10. I like the feeling that I may be helping someone out there with my words.  Even if I'm just letting them know that they are not alone.

11. I like having something that is all mine.  DH and I share everything, and spend a LOT of time together.  I sometimes feel like I'm not my own person anymore because of that.  My blog is helping to counteract that.

12. Three words. Shameless Self Promotion.  I wish I could be a rockstar (well, a hippie, indie rockstar).  Maybe I'll make it through twitter  & blogger.

13. It makes me less lonely.

14. I can obsess endlessly over the aesthetic appeal of my blog and no one has to know about it (oops. I just told you all. this one is now kinda redundant)...

15. I like sharing my randomness with the world. Somehow when it's all writeen out, it doesn't seem like such randomness.

16. I can post whatever I like. Even a top 16 list (and no one can tell me it's dumb to have an arbitrary # like 16 as a top "something" list)


So there they are, just a few reasons why I am a blogger now.
What about you? Would love to hear some of your reasons....
Remember - sharing is caring :)