Sunday, April 11, 2010

How long 'till my soul gets it right?

I hope you liked that song. I love it. Just needed a bit of 'the girls' to finish up this post. Did I say finish? Yes, I am aware of the fact that this is actually the start of this post, not the finish... but as of late I'm writing my posts all backwards and helter skelter.

To match my insides.

I still feel totally disjointed.
I am starting to wonder what's happening with my karma.
I've been a good person - why is it pouring down on me so hard right now?
Is it a test?
Is it a punishment for not being more emotionally available to my uncle while he was dying?

Is it just 'life'?

I am going to go with the last one. I know many people who have had a major shit storm at one point or another in their life.  The flip side is that I also know many people who have not had ANY shit storms in their life.  I guess the flip side is where my insecurities rest.  That's where my big guilt-monster makes its nest and roosts, gloating about how easy it was to take over my feeble little mind. 

I tweeted once about feeling more spiritual during this experience.

I tweeted that just after my uncle passed away.

At his funeral, while my father almost fainted, D saw an eagle or a hawk flying over the grave site.  My uncle's internet name was white eagle. I'm not sure where the connection came from, but I've always associated birds with the spirits of my grandparents.  This great bird overhead made me feel as though he was watching over us.

At my mom's best friend's mother's funeral (sorry for the convoluted relationship explanation!) my mom's best friend spoke about the experience she had right after her mother had passed. Her daughter and her had just sat down in the car to go home and start planning the funeral and her mother's favourite song came on the car stereo.  She felt as though her Mom was watching over them. 

During the days after the funeral my spirituality has been tested again.
I have a complicated relationship with what I believe in and what I don't - it's always dipping and waning with waves of my life.

The dreams I have every night of that last morning at Baycrest are taking a toll on it.
The sickness that Sess is experiencing is really taking a toll on it. 
The fact that Topper is starting to act funny now too is adding to the toll exponentially. 
The fact that I feel like I have to continue on with my life as usual anyways is taking a toll on ME.

By doing the presentation with my parents today, making customer calls for work on Monday so that we don't sink financially, I am trying to maintain a level head so that I don't bob into that 'dark' space right now, when I really can't afford it.

But it's getting really difficult.
I'm not sure I can pull it off. 
I don't want to leave my apartment today but I have to
Poker-face has left the building.
Cool as a cucumber is not far behind.


  1. "They" say, G-d doesn't give us tests we cannot pass. So if it is a test, then believe you will get through this. or try to. Sending hugs from the national capital...

  2. I am so sorry that you have been going through so much lately but know that I am keeping you in my thoughts every day *hugs*

  3. Is it life? I'm not sure I havent figured it out. I tell myself thats just life and shit happens but do I really understand how life can be so unfair for no apparent reason. I dont get it. I dont understand. I try to understand it but it just makes no sence. They say he will never put more on you than you can bare but what really constiutes baring. Is it because we are still here(alive)? Not sure still trying to figure it out but believe me when I say your not alone on the quest of understanding and figuring everything out.



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