Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Darkness Continues...

Today has been a really really dark day for me.  And before I even get really into this post I'll say this:
Readers be prepared, I'm emotional, full of doubt, unleashed and I'm coming straight at ya.

As some of you know, I've been in and out of bad relationships for the last several years.  I really and truly thought that the one that I'm currently in was "it" ... or is "it"... I'm so mixed up right now I don't even know what tense to be using.   There were all the stereotypical "signs" that we are meant to be, all the feelings, all the "right" milestones coming along at the "right" times... and then this came.  This darkness or depression that always seems to come to any romantic relationship I've ever been in.    Which generally leads me to believe that I am the one at fault.

It always creeps in, reminding me that I've never really been blissfully happy.  Even as a child I felt this shadow that clouded my happiness.   And as I've grown into adulthood, I realize that even though this is a problem that is all  mine, and not the other person's, it is not my fault.   I don't know what it is that is in me to make me feel this way, but it's there, and I'm sick of pretending that it isn't.

Having said that, however, I am also acutely aware of the fact that certain people bring this melancholic tendancy out of me, and certain people help me to get past it.  And the thing that I've gotten stuck on now is that I am so afraid that the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, the man I'm desperately trying to have children with, is in fact the first out of those two types of people.   And I'm so scared and sad now.

I am honestly starting to feel that he doesn't actually love "me"... but instead the concept of me and who I could be.  The idea that I presented, nice and neat, in a package just for him.  He hadn't tried to get me, I tried to get him.  And I was in a dfferent mental state at the time, so motivated, so physically healthy, so.... inspired.  I don't feel like I am any of those things anymore.   And I am starting to notice signs that he doesn't think so anymore either.   And I'm fucking scared shitless of what that means.

Is this relationship really going to be another epic NaVe Fail?   I can't accept that reality.   My last 2 serious relationships were just that... but those were abusive, manipulating men... this one isn't.... right?  Usually when I've felt like this, it was the wake up call, the signal to exit.   I don't even see an exit this time. I never planned to exit.  I never planned for any of this.

But I don't want to give up.

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