Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I feel guilty about both of the above.
I'm not sure where the guilt is coming from - story of my life.
This post may be a doozy.
I haven't blogged in a week. Yesterday was a week since Sessie had to be put down. I have been moping through, trying to be 'normal' ever since.
I even went on a mini-camping trip this weekend, which turned into more of a booze fest/stay up all night like teenagers trip. Not exactly what the doctor ordered for me. Not saying it wasn't fun, but now I gotta add recovering from a party weekend to the list of other stuff going on in my mixed up head.
I miss Sess terribly every day. Every time something in my life went wrong she was such a strong support to me. She was always there through my workdays which more often than not are incredibly frustrating, boring & upsetting. I miss her little voice. She'd so often wake up from a cat nap and say "prrrow?" really softly from her spot on the armrest of the couch right beside where I do most of my work. I really miss that. It reminded me to breath sometimes when things are work are just too overwhelming. And I miss having her as a reminder of my life before D. I feel like I've all but lost the woman I was before. She was the last concrete link.
I have been withdrawing (other than on Saturday night when I was quite outgoing in my smirnoff ice induced mood). My tweeties may or may not have noticed that I'm kinda quiet. (For a change...) I don't know what to say! Everything that comes out of my mouth feels like a complaint, and since I know so many people on Twitter who are going through such hard times I would rather be a supporter than a complainer.
But I don't really know how at the moment. Nothing feels good. Everything feels faked, forced, frusterating. And my fuse is extremely short. EXTREMELY. Like.. maybe non-existent. Don't light a match around me. I'll blow.
Today when D got back from work we were short with each other. And now he's gone out for the evening leaving me to stew. This is a very bad bad thing. I don't stew well.
I've been trying to throw myself into work but it's frustrating knowing that I have no financial control or freedom, despite my immense responsibility to this company. I am resentful. This makes me not want to work, but the thought of having free time to think is terrifying me.
All in all - I'm pretty toxic at the moment.
And in an effort to not toxify you, my dear readers, I will say goodbye now and hope that the next time I write I'll be a little (or a lot!! Fingers crossed!) aggravated.