#beingabigfathugewhalesucks

I'm in a dark hole that I am digging further and further into.
Went for a hike on Saturday, and despite many AMAZING photos, and good company, the one thing that is sticking in my brain are the (earth-shattering-reality-bringing) images of me on the video that D took.
I'm a ginormous fat blob.
I can't believe I let myself get like this.
I weeble.  I wobble. 
And I was fucking sore yesterday.  After a WALK. 
And I'm totally stuck in a job that perpetuates my lifestyle of sitting at home, eating, and being depressed.  And not having enough time for myself - despite a clear need.

And...
I'm officially too depressed at the moment to be insightful. ...

to be continued...... 


ps.  I posted this to reach out to anyone who may feel like this at times too. You're never alone. And neither am I. Sorry for the uber depressing nature, but it happens to all of us from time to time.

(sorta) Wordless Wednesday

 Anticipating my balcony....

Here's some pics from last year. 

Following on with the #twitterhometour theme ;) 

If you missed that post you can find it by clicking HERE,or on the button in my sidebar.

 

 Looks like Florida, doesn't it? Pinch, pinch....Nope - it's still Toronto! 

 

These guys are A LOT bigger now!

They are still indoors, but once it's hot enough I'll take pics of them again :D

Here's this year's balcony so far...taken with my new camera! 

 

Yeah... got kinda artsy fartsy with those last ones...

I dunno. I think it kinda works.  What do you think? 

 I love this pink tree    ^                

I will have to get a pic of it from the ground. 

Plus, I still have a LOT of planting to do. 

And I took pics of my raspberry & blueberry 'bushes' but right now they are just a stick sticking out of the dirt with a few little tiny sproutlings starting.  Not so post worthy. 

BUT - Topper was extremely post worthy!

His eyes look so pretty in the natural light with a blue backdrop!

And... that's all folks!

I'm open to suggestions - what would you like to see pictures/ videos of? 

More lizards? More fish? More plants? More fur babies? More... stuff?

Leave a comment!  Sharing is caring :)

   

 

How WE'RE living...

MTV does it, so why not the Twitterverse?

I'm not sure who thought of #twitterhometour, but I heard about it through @karmapearl - and a big thanks goes out to her!   I think this is such a fantastic idea!

What better way to really get to know one another than to invite each other into our homes?

The interior decorator part of me wanted to have a picture perfect #twitterhometour, but then I realized, this isn't my portfolio, it's my life.

And my life right now is situated in a 2 bedroom apartment in Toronto.

But the commune is coming - I can almost smell it in the summer(ish) air! We spend a lot of time looking at listings for vacant land out in the country nowadays.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy the video - Originally D recorded one, in great detail, of our living room, and all it's inhabitants, but YouTube was being extraordinarily stubborn so I couldn't upload it (it was too long I think, plus, our new camera has really high resolution therefore, large file size)

MUCHNESS

My favourite part of the movie.... 

F*^#&%$ Positivity!

It's not been easy, but I'm doing it.... I'm sunny.  I'm GD optimistic and cheerful.  Dammit.

Here comes another slightly garbled post though - I'm so sorry! I'll take the decline in comments as a sign that y'all would prefer my normal writing style to return.  I'll send that memo up to my (foggy) brain asap.

Sess has still not (independently) eaten, though I have forced about 4 syringes of wet food and water, and at least 12 zillion of water alone into her... she growls with the food, so I don't do too much.  The maple syrup worked a bit though, I think I noticed the most change in her after starting that regiment. D and I went to the movies today to see Alice in Wonderland (slightly disappointing, not worth a review post) and when we got back she came to drink outta the tub! I tweeted it here.

This makes me (disproportionately?) happy

I am still not sleeping well, though I have taken to falling FAST asleep at around 4 or 5am in the last few nights, meaning that I'm getting a good 3- 4 hours of real sleep, which is an improvement from NONE.   The bad Baycrest dreams are getting shorter.  Appreciated.  Gone would be better.   But I'm being patient.   And trying to stay off the sleeping pills.  I don't wanna get hooked.  Finding a fuzzy comfy fog in a little blue pill every night seems just a wee bit too tempting now-a-days. 

And this morning I woke up with a crick in my neck - I look like a friggin' moron, turning my whole body to look around.

And, other than that, I'm pretty numb.  I'm immersing myself in work as much as possible (having D here instead of out doing the jobs is kind of distracting, but as of the 15th he'll be out doing sales calls, much better for growing our little company.  In my haste to anticipate having my days to myself again once Spring had sprung I forgot that hiring a crew meant that he did not have to work sun up to sun down if he didn't want to.  Right now we only have one vehicle, so he has to stay home with me all day 'till the crew returns.  As of the 15th we'll have two again.  Thank god, or I'd probably... I won't finish that sentence.)

I listened to my uncles songs yesterday and had a good cry... every so often I look up in the sky and look out for birds(wondering why?)...  I'm thinking of uploading some of his music for you all to hear - is that something that would appeal to y'all?  It's not in English but the melodies are gorgeous.  I'm not 100% how to do that without putting 'em on YouTube, or in my sidebar like my songs are, so any tips would be GREATLY appreciated! And I'm gonna get back on the Juri and the Bears Blog.   I think it could be a great support to adults and children alike, who are going through a terminal illness.

And my plans for today? I've got more company organization work to do, customer calling to do...


and more F*ing positivity to radiate.  <3

How long 'till my soul gets it right?

I hope you liked that song. I love it. Just needed a bit of 'the girls' to finish up this post. Did I say finish? Yes, I am aware of the fact that this is actually the start of this post, not the finish... but as of late I'm writing my posts all backwards and helter skelter.

To match my insides.

I still feel totally disjointed.
I am starting to wonder what's happening with my karma.
I've been a good person - why is it pouring down on me so hard right now?
Is it a test?
Is it a punishment for not being more emotionally available to my uncle while he was dying?

Is it just 'life'?

I am going to go with the last one. I know many people who have had a major shit storm at one point or another in their life.  The flip side is that I also know many people who have not had ANY shit storms in their life.  I guess the flip side is where my insecurities rest.  That's where my big guilt-monster makes its nest and roosts, gloating about how easy it was to take over my feeble little mind. 

I tweeted once about feeling more spiritual during this experience.

I tweeted that just after my uncle passed away.

At his funeral, while my father almost fainted, D saw an eagle or a hawk flying over the grave site.  My uncle's internet name was white eagle. I'm not sure where the connection came from, but I've always associated birds with the spirits of my grandparents.  This great bird overhead made me feel as though he was watching over us.

At my mom's best friend's mother's funeral (sorry for the convoluted relationship explanation!) my mom's best friend spoke about the experience she had right after her mother had passed. Her daughter and her had just sat down in the car to go home and start planning the funeral and her mother's favourite song came on the car stereo.  She felt as though her Mom was watching over them. 

During the days after the funeral my spirituality has been tested again.
I have a complicated relationship with what I believe in and what I don't - it's always dipping and waning with waves of my life.

The dreams I have every night of that last morning at Baycrest are taking a toll on it.
The sickness that Sess is experiencing is really taking a toll on it. 
The fact that Topper is starting to act funny now too is adding to the toll exponentially. 
The fact that I feel like I have to continue on with my life as usual anyways is taking a toll on ME.

By doing the presentation with my parents today, making customer calls for work on Monday so that we don't sink financially, I am trying to maintain a level head so that I don't bob into that 'dark' space right now, when I really can't afford it.

But it's getting really difficult.
I'm not sure I can pull it off. 
I don't want to leave my apartment today but I have to
Poker-face has left the building.
Cool as a cucumber is not far behind.

Mumbo, Jumbo & Sad

This post may seem sporadic and un-connected - but that's exactly my state of mind, so it's fitting.

The last week has been a whirlwind, I'm not going to re-cap cuz it's too painful.

If ya'll really wanna know what happened, you can read my last post, or read through my tweets to get a better sense of stuff.

For now, I'm just gonna write. Like you are my diary. 

It's been so weird being at my Mom & Dad's house for so many hours straight in the last few days for Shivah.  I haven't spent that much time there in years. It was the first time that I have been able to do it though, without fleeing home after an hour or two.  I usually get very uncomfortable, so I'm glad that didn't happen this time.

I'm already judging this post - thinking I'm leaving things out, not considering my words enough, not conveying  the 'right' message. But I'm gonna ignore those feelings.

I feel so fragile right now - like any more rocking of my boat will cause me to capsize. And possibly drown.  If not drown, than at least lose all my worldly possessions (my mind) in this wicked and wild sea of life.

I have so much admiration towards my parents' friends.  They have been so supportive. This is supposed to be a good thing, but it has made the sparse network of 'real life' friends that I travel in seem even more useless than it did before. This rocks my boat.

My Sessie cat is not feeling well.  She hasn't moved almost at all in 2 days, and won't eat, and I'm having to force feed water to her to keep her hydrated. And one of D's toxic toads got out, so I don't know if she came into contact with it. He found it in the dogs food dish.
This rattles and rocks my boat.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep without seeing and hearing my uncles last breath. Which means I can't sleep, even when I'm drugged (like last night, when I'd 'wake' from a 1/2 asleep state with odd thoughts in my brain...for example... if I forget the name of the diagnosis they gave my Dad in the hospital, I won't be able to help him if he feels sick again)

This VEHEMENTLY SHAKES my boat.

I'm thinking about the fact that when my parents die, if my network of 'real life' friends is as sparse and frivolous as it is right now I will undoubtedly capsize and sink to the bottom of the sea.

I'm thinking about how people keep telling me that my mother will undoubtedly crash after Shivah is over because she will have such an immense and seemingly unfulfillable void in her heart - and how they look at me like I'm supposed to know what to do is COMPLETELY freaking me out too.

This past week of trying to comfort her, act as her equal in terms of 'hostessing' the shivah house (despite the fact that one is really not supposed to do that in terms of Jewish tradition, but my Mom would not have it any other way) has all but made me bedridden.  I'm not sure how I'm still standing.  My legs and back are throbbing, almost constantly, but I'm so numb.  I can't even cry anymore. 

I keep thinking that I'm heartless because I only cried the day it happened, and the next day at the funeral.  It's like after the funeral I just turned it off somehow and I've been playing the happy hostess since.  But I'm exhausted.  And so not happy.

Ugh. This is enough for tonight.  I can't believe I'm posting something so un-planned, un-thought out, un-edited.

Take it or leave it people, it's all I got right now.

Delayed

** I'm posting this on Monday, April 5th, but I wrote it originally on Saturday, April 3rd.  I wanted to post it because it was an important post to me, and I didn't want to omit it. **

Yesterday was one of those days that one prays to never have.

It's nearing the end for my uncle, which is bittersweet as I know he will find relief in passing, but am worried about how my Mom will take it - she's been there for 36 hours straight now.

My Dad came to pick me up yesterday in the morning to go and be with her for the day at the hospital. I was super anxious getting ready and waiting for him to come.  I do not deal well at all with watching someone I care about in the state that my uncle is in. But I knew I needed to be there for my Mom, despite any feelings I had about the situation.

But when I saw my Dad as he drove up, something was not right.
He's been having fainting spells for about a year - unexplained despite a zillion tests and doctor's appointments.  It worries me incredibly - I am super close to my Dad.

He drove off from the building, but I made him pull over as soon as we got to the road because I could see in his face that he wasn't feeling well.

I drove the rest of the way to Baycrest, and he kind of got some of his colour back.

When we got to Baycrest, the situation was dismal.  My uncle is gasping with every breath he takes, and is so drugged up that he will never speak to us again.  My Mom, like a rock, stays strong through all this - but my Dad, despite his strength and determination to be a rock like my Mom, is more severely affected.

My Dad started getting all sweaty again, while we were sitting by my uncles bed.  He confessed to me that his arm/fingers and jaw were tingling.  I knew something bad was coming.  My mom asked him to get some paperwork regarding the funeral that's being planned out of his briefcase.  He stood up, and his eyes rolled back in his head.  My Mom and I both caught him before he hit the ground.  He's a heavy man.  I couldn't support him, so I slid down to the ground with him and held him from behind.
We got him seated in a chair and his eyes started rolling back in his head again.
Someone called the nurse, and 911.

A stupid bitch of a nurse came in and started monitoring his pulse, and took his blood pressure, all whilst mouthing to me, over my parent's heads, that my father had just had a heart attack.   They gave him a spray of nitro (which the ER doctor was appalled by - nitro should never be administered if there is a history of fainting with no heart symptons/blood pressure symptoms.  It lowered my Dad's already low blood pressure).  It seemed like forever until the paramedics came.

By the time they came, my Dad was feeling better.  This is what has happened in the past when he's fainted.  This time I put my foot down - he was not talking us out of going to the hospital with the ambulance.  Normally he will not go.  But as his G.P. did not seem to have a clue as to why this was happening, I was not about to let him off that easy.

So off we went to the hospital, me making dumb jokes with the paramedic & my Dad to try and get him to smile some.   These last 9 months with my Mom and uncle have taken an enormous toll on my normally jovial, hilarious Daddy.  I managed to get a few smiles out of him.

We waited about 3 hours at emergency, and when we finally saw a doctor I felt that the wait was worth it.  He finally gave my dad a diagnosis to chew on - Vasovagal syncope. It's not life threatening, and the triggers are very much like an anxiety attack trigger.  I googled it last night when I got home, and it fits his symptoms to a 't'.  I'm just wondering why it took a year to diagnose something which the ER doctor said was fairly common. 

All in all, spending the day at the emergancy with my Dad was probably far less traumatic for me than spending the day watching my uncle die.  I really truly don't understand how my mom can stomach it for such extended periods of time. Especially for a woman with MS.  I don't know how she does it.

And today?  Today is a new day, have to pick up my Dad (he left his car at Baycrest yesterday) and go down to spend some time there with my Mom. 

All the outpouring of support and love from my Tweeties is amazing.  Despite my brief pity party last night (about how Twitter is not the same as having friends in real life) you all keep me going. I think part of my problem last night is that there are a few of you who I really would have loved to have close to me right now, you are such great supports, and such fabulous people.  Being connected through cyberspace doesn't seem like enough for me at the moment.  But I'll take all I can get! <3

** Just as I finished writing this, my Mom called my cell to tell me to hurry and pick up my Dad and get down there. I didn't  save it, but my laptop is miraculous and when I resumed windows (had left laptop unplugged for the whole time so it died), here was the post. I thought it fortuitous, and decided to post it now. **