Friday, November 12, 2010

Finding my Happy

Yesterday  I was 'msn'ing' with an old friend. She knows D very well, in fact I know her through him & she also is beginning to know me very well as she has decided to embark on the adventure that one undertakes when becoming my follower on twitter.  She thus has pretty good insight on what's happening in my life, because I'm an open book & she knows the other chapter of my story quite well ;)

She said, very wisely, that my tweets have begun to indicate a fair amount of despair & depression. And that despite the fact that I frequently vent about relationship drama between me & my love, the darkness is most likely coming from the void that I feel OUTSIDE of my relationship.

It's true.  I try to stay positive, hopeful, optimistic, & happy & all that jazz but there's a monster lurking too close to the surface for my comfort.  And try as he might, D can not do anything about it.  This fact alone brings out a not -so-nice aspect of our relationship... him trying, me rejecting him & him then being cold & aggressive because... well, basically I'm being a bitch too.

As a veteran of therapy, both group & individual, I can tell the signs of depression.  I see that I'm in trouble.  I see that I need help.  I see that lack of luster in myself, my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings is getting stronger... but I just am kinda of the mind set that I want to try & use my self-taught skills (and call on some of the skills that I've learned in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - if you're interested in hearing more about this please leave a comment & I will blog about it next!) in conjunction with my newly found twitter support system rather than running back to therapy, or worse still, medication.

What my wise friend suggested was that I make a list. A list of things OUTSIDE my relationship that make me jump for joy. Things that tickle my thoughts.  Things that stimulate my senses. 
I have been happy before, I do experience happiness still & thus, there must be circumstances, things, people, situations, etc. that still make me happy.

So here,  blogles & tweeties, are (some of) my happys!

(I'm gonna be random, start with small things and maybe things that people will find strange... but it's all part of the process! I need to once more learn to take joy in the little pleasures of life!)

~ my cats (duh)
~ Ani Difranco (duh - I said I was starting with the easy things!)
~ composing & recording music.   (need to find a good software for this! SUGGESTIONS? I've used sequel 2, cakewalk & fruityloops, but never understood what I was doing.. need something user friendly! read:dummy-fied) 
~ guitar (need to become more consistent with playing so I don't have to go through the pain of re-developing calluses every single time! what a turn off!) 
~ photography & digitally editing photos
~ reading with tea & kush at Roach-a-rama in Kensington Market (requires me to leave the house & take the transit to go downtown... not that likely at the moment... but still a happy)
~ yoga (need to find some bum-knee friendly yoga - suggestions anyone??)
~ swimming (need to find a public pool nearby for swimming 3x/ week)
~ shopping for fruits & veggies & spices & nuts (productive to my diet too!)
~ shopping in general (though this can get dangerous!)
~ cooking & baking
~ knitting
~ PAINTING (really MISS this one!)
~ mani/pedi
~ bath & wine time (not sure I can swing this in my current apartment... our bathtub SUCKS)
~ journalling/blogging :)

And I think that's all for now! That's actually a pretty good list, if I don't say so myself (which I do!) All of the things on there are things that I enjoyed doing pre-D and kinda stopped doing due to various factors in my current situation... none of which are written in stone, and all of which I can change.
So now, the task at hand is to DO SOMETHING and actually make this list go to good use.  That's the hardest part of it all, 'cuz if you've followed my blog at all, you'll know I"m great at making lists & plans & not so great at the actual execution of things. But here's another shot...

To my Wise friend (one in specific but also, to all my wise friends who are reading!)  please remember, we need to kick each others asses into gear, for who else is in a better position to push you to succeed in finding your happy but your friends?  <3

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Empty Womb on a Wordless Wednesday

I had a rough night last night.
An unexpected pregnancy announcement on facebook had me reeling in emotion from 2:39am onwards. Instead of wallowing in a self-pitying post though, I'll make use of Wordless Wednesday and share some images that had me pissing my pants laughing yesterday.

And a couple of them are pretty applicable to my current state of the Infertility Blues.

I think I'm gonna make an appointment today to have my Cunt examined......

And I'll prolly take my trusty friend with me..... 
A girl who's T.T.C. can never get enough of her Sperman after all!
But we have to make sure first that there isn't a...

And maybe after my appointment we'll go here for some lunch....

Or maybe here...
 I feel like having...

\I wonder if I'd be more fertile if I had a...

And I know while I'm at the doctor I should make sure I don't have any fresh STD's... 

I HAVE to get one of these for my kids (if & when I have them that is!!)
And if I never do have any kids then the rest of my life will be a....
And I'll blow you all to hell with my....

um.... WHAAAAAT???!?!

 *phew* it's a good thing that I saw that last sign, 'cuz I really feel like dying right now... 
But since it's strictly forbidden I guess I'll continue on with my day. 

Hope I made ya piss your pants giggle :p

Monday, November 1, 2010

My Walmart Skin Care Secret Combo

I used to have terrible skin.

So bad that my mom sought out medical assistance & my doctor prescribed 'Acutane'.  At 11 years old.  Needless to say that did a number on my just-reaching-puberty body (the pill capsules had a picture of a pregnant woman with an 'X' through her to demonstrate that getting pregnant while on this drug was ill advised due to the likelihood of birth defect.  But they thought nothing of putting a developing young woman on it.... hmmmm... *head scratching* ..........................................................But I digress...  this is not meant to be a post about the ill effects of over-medicating youth {ahem, I deal with endometriosis and fibromyalgia  now, as an adult...}

What this post IS about is the combo of products that I've been religiously (till recently) using in the last 5-6 or so years, and it has been working wonders.  Such wonders in fact that recently, when I've been cutting certain expenses out, I've realized (with the dawn of a fresh face full of little red pimples & blemishes) I NEED my skin care regiment.

People used  to ask me what I use. People used to comment (with compliments!!) on my skin, not too long ago, and really, the stuff I use is not expensive at all.  

So here they are, the products that I combine (all from Wal-Mart, or Shoppers Drugmart) to create the nice, smooth & radiant skin that I am now proud to say is mine.

 Sometimes I mix the Garnier moisturizer/sunscreen with
Rimmel foundation to create a dewey'er more transparent & light foundation.  

I follow up (if I'm dressing up) with some powder bronzer just as cheekbone highlights & some subtle eye makeup & lipgloss.   I'm all about the light & natural look!

Do you have any favourite skin secrets that I can share with my readers? Please share!
Do you like these types of product-evaluation posts from me or should I stick with the emotional & inspirational stuff? Talk to me! :)

*I was not paid to write this blog, nor am I an employee of any of the products or stores that I mention*


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