I'm Tumbling

Just thought I'd better let y'all know...

I didn't drop off the face of the earth COMPLETELY after my bitch fest...

I'm finding Tumblr much easier to do on a consistent basis.

I'm not abandonning this blog, just saving it for the lengthier and more in depth stuff.

Come see me! 

I'm also always on Twitter.  You know this.  I'll say no more! :)

Whiney whiney BITCH PANTS

I'm really in a self pitying mood lately.

It's my upcoming birthday/ big news of if this cycle turned out well or not.  I think.

Or it could just be that I feel like throwing a temper tantrum single every day.

I'm scared that finding out the results of the pregnancy test will make me spiral down into a deeper sadness over the bad luck and unpleasantness that seems to follow me through out my life lately.

It's like no matter how hard I try, things SUCK and will continue SUCKING for... an indefinate amount of time.

I'm sorry that I'm being such a whiner but I have really had it.

This birthday (and year) was supposed to be the year of ME.

Now all special plans and mentions of magical fun times have been swallowed into my family's typical obsession  with all things depressing & sad.

My grandma being in hospital is the icing on the cake - we spent much of last year in hospitals & palliative care wards with my uncle.  Our family really needs a break.  We were going to take a cruise together (ALL of us, which has NEVER happened, and D has never even left our home province!) but... that's cancelled now. (Don't misconstrue this, I love my grandma and am so sad about the state of her health.  I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, and same goes for my Dad (it's his mother).  I guess I'm just being selfish when I say "when will it be time for GOOD TIMES???" 

Seems like the last several years have just been full of shit.

But, the thing that's making me the MOST upset is that my parents signed me up for that presentation (about a Slovak writer who was deeply affected by the loss of his family through the Holocaust) that I've been complaining on twitter about for weeks.  They didn't even really ask me.  And it's going to take up most of my birthday weekend, and prevents me & D from being able to go anywhere. And it's such a depressing topic to make matters even worse.   Every play or poetry reading that my parents are involved in is always about death.  Talk about morbid!

My birthdays in the last 10 years have been full of tears, lonlieness & aggravation.  I was really hoping that for my dirty 30 things would be better. 

Doesn't look like it.

I'm still trying to hold out a bit of hope for a BFP but the bigger part of me is telling my hopeful part to not get too excited.

I'm just not a fairy tale ending kind of girl.

A quick update...

I've been so bad at blogging lately.
I'm sorry - I hope you haven't missed my nonsense too much! :P
I'm planning to make a big come back once our work season starts again (Spring)....

Some of the reasons I've been so busy are:

1. WE ARE TTC AGAIN!!!! WOOOOHHOOOOO! 
This month was our return to Clomid, and it went a lot smoother than Cycles 1-3 in 2009.   I think having the mental preparation of what would happen with the introduction of all these hormones was a HUGE help.   March 6th (my Dirty Thirty!) marks the end of this year's first two week wait, and I'm encouraged by all the 'good omens' that have happened on this cycle  (I ovulated on Canadian Family Day, and my birthday is the end of the 2ww)

2. My grandma is in hospital.  This requires a lot of co-ordinating meal times with my parents so that someone familiar is there at every meal.  It's been a struggle, but seeing her sit up to eat, and hearing that my dad and her went for a jaunt around the ward after 3 weeks of her being bed-ridden, makes me so happy.
She's going to be 88 this August and she is probably the strongest and most indestructable woman I know! She survived the Holocaust, breast cancer twice, had a tumour removed from her brain at 84, almost died due to complications from the anti-biotics, and now she's pulling through again!  I'm so proud of her. 

3. Trying to get life on track is time consuming!
Doing yoga has been taking a lot of my (used to be) internet-surfing/tv watching/ tweeting time... though in the last week I sort of fell of the bandwagon (progesterone suppository side effects are NO FUN!) but before that I was doing well, daily practice. If you want to view some of the flow's I've been enjoying you can do so HERE.  I'd love to hear that my meager little attempt at getting in shape has inspired others - it give me such a motivation boost!
Eating better is more time consuming as well, what with the veggie chopping, fish seasoning and rice boiling.  It's been an uphill battle with my junk food addiction, and I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm seeing improvements with the little changes that I'm making & that's really encouraging. 

Another other than that... I'm just waiting for work to start up again (it makes such a huge difference, not only financially but also spiritually, when my days have more structure to them.)

This summer is going to be great- all these steps that D & I are taking towards improving our lives has me so excited! Stay tuned for more frequent blog posts about our progress, both in terms of TTC and also in terms of our new healthier life!

Happy New Year & All that jazz...

So I'm a bit late in wishing you all a Happy New Year - better late than never though, right?

I'm sorry I've been scarce.

I've been busy trying to change my life.

Most of you follow me on Twitter so you know that I've taken a plunge into the wonderful world of yoga, and have been going to a prenatal class at a studio on Tuesday nights, but also have been doing my own practice at home.

WHAT AN AMAZING DIFFERENCE SO FAR!
And it's only been 3 weeks.

The other major change I'm making is my diet.
Since beginning yoga again my body has been telling me to detox, but I have been having a really hard time meshing my more natural food desires with D's fast food fetish.  Last night we ate seperate meals, and I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. Still have to do some work on this aspect of things though.

What spiked this sudden return to the blogosphere was my appointment at a Fibromyalgia and Cannibology specialist yesterday.  First of all, he claims that my biggest issue is a sleep disorder, and not fibro.  Weird right?   So now my GP is setting up a sleep study for me (which I'm totally nervous for 'cuz I hate sleeping away from home)...

He gave me homework too - in the form of reading and writing.  If anyone is interested in reading his books, I can give you his website address, just leave me a comment below.  I don't want to publicly advertise his name on my blog.  The homework is really interesting so far, and actually is in part the reason for my return to blogging. Last night I spent an hour after yoga filling in the first few pages of a workbook he gave me called "The Magic Pen; Creative Writing for Self Discovery".  I have to admit, I'm hooked, not only to this doctor's unique and more holistic method, but also to his  energy and encouragement that I CAN change my life.

Last but not least, I have to lose weight.  He claims this will be the easiest part, if I don't cheat.  He claims I can lose 100 lbs. in one year.  The diet he's proposing is a bit extreme so I may alter it slightly.  He says I should eat 2 small meals a day, one at 10:30, one at 4:30/5pm.  And only veggies, chicken, fish and a TINY bit of carbs.  And that's IT.  No fruit for a year.  No snacking in between meals - PERIOD.  I think I'll have to have some healthy snacks set up for throughout the day - I can't fathom going without some munchies for a whole day!

The cannibology part of his practice is fascinating to me (for obvious reasons, if you #knowyourNaVe!) He says I will qualify no problem for a medical MJ card, so that will be in the works soon as well.  Not going to go into too much depth here, for obvious reasons, but basically I'll just say - this is the beginning of the rest of my life!

And you will be around to witness it! I swear, I couldn't do it without my constant venting system, AKA Twitter. KUDOS to all my lovely tweeties. You all are my support system and saving grace! Love you!


*in case you are wondering, the picture above is me, about 5 years ago (pre-fibromyalgia), doing camel pose.  Just a bit of inspiration for anyone thinking that fat girls can't do yoga - I was thinner then but as you can see, still far from a twig.  Yoga is great for anyone!*