I'm Tumbling

Just thought I'd better let y'all know...

I didn't drop off the face of the earth COMPLETELY after my bitch fest...

I'm finding Tumblr much easier to do on a consistent basis.

I'm not abandonning this blog, just saving it for the lengthier and more in depth stuff.

Come see me! 

I'm also always on Twitter.  You know this.  I'll say no more! :)

Bloggity blog blog

I feel rather lumpish today, but I'm striving to maintain humourous.
I'm not going to sink into a hole because I hate some bad chicken.
Turned it into a joke on twitter - one of my lovely tweeties asked if I had gotten a BFP (had been tweeting bout puking a lot).... I said no, instead I got VBC (very bad chicken)

Ha.
Ha.

Ok, maybe it's not that funny - but the fact that I am returning to my blog, talking about clomid around the dinner table and shopping for houses makes me think that things are okay for a change.  Despite the fights.  Despite any aggravation.   Life is good. I don't need to compete with other people, I can just relax and know that everything will happen in it's due time.  

The weddings & pregnancies of late have taken a toll on my mind & emotional state but I mainain:

Life is good.  

Even though I spent last night with my head in a toilet bowl.

I'm featured!

I'm so flattered. 

I have never been featured on a blog before!

Many thanks to @nutritionist_kt! 
 

She featured my recipe for the green smoothie that

I have been enjoying every morning this week.

Here's the link if you want to try it out!

She has a ton of great tips and info on her site! 

Take a look around while you're there. 

(sorta) Wordless Wednesday

 Anticipating my balcony....

Here's some pics from last year. 

Following on with the #twitterhometour theme ;) 

If you missed that post you can find it by clicking HERE,or on the button in my sidebar.

 

 Looks like Florida, doesn't it? Pinch, pinch....Nope - it's still Toronto! 

 

These guys are A LOT bigger now!

They are still indoors, but once it's hot enough I'll take pics of them again :D

Here's this year's balcony so far...taken with my new camera! 

 

Yeah... got kinda artsy fartsy with those last ones...

I dunno. I think it kinda works.  What do you think? 

 I love this pink tree    ^                

I will have to get a pic of it from the ground. 

Plus, I still have a LOT of planting to do. 

And I took pics of my raspberry & blueberry 'bushes' but right now they are just a stick sticking out of the dirt with a few little tiny sproutlings starting.  Not so post worthy. 

BUT - Topper was extremely post worthy!

His eyes look so pretty in the natural light with a blue backdrop!

And... that's all folks!

I'm open to suggestions - what would you like to see pictures/ videos of? 

More lizards? More fish? More plants? More fur babies? More... stuff?

Leave a comment!  Sharing is caring :)

   

 

How WE'RE living...

MTV does it, so why not the Twitterverse?

I'm not sure who thought of #twitterhometour, but I heard about it through @karmapearl - and a big thanks goes out to her!   I think this is such a fantastic idea!

What better way to really get to know one another than to invite each other into our homes?

The interior decorator part of me wanted to have a picture perfect #twitterhometour, but then I realized, this isn't my portfolio, it's my life.

And my life right now is situated in a 2 bedroom apartment in Toronto.

But the commune is coming - I can almost smell it in the summer(ish) air! We spend a lot of time looking at listings for vacant land out in the country nowadays.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy the video - Originally D recorded one, in great detail, of our living room, and all it's inhabitants, but YouTube was being extraordinarily stubborn so I couldn't upload it (it was too long I think, plus, our new camera has really high resolution therefore, large file size)

F*^#&%$ Positivity!

It's not been easy, but I'm doing it.... I'm sunny.  I'm GD optimistic and cheerful.  Dammit.

Here comes another slightly garbled post though - I'm so sorry! I'll take the decline in comments as a sign that y'all would prefer my normal writing style to return.  I'll send that memo up to my (foggy) brain asap.

Sess has still not (independently) eaten, though I have forced about 4 syringes of wet food and water, and at least 12 zillion of water alone into her... she growls with the food, so I don't do too much.  The maple syrup worked a bit though, I think I noticed the most change in her after starting that regiment. D and I went to the movies today to see Alice in Wonderland (slightly disappointing, not worth a review post) and when we got back she came to drink outta the tub! I tweeted it here.

This makes me (disproportionately?) happy

I am still not sleeping well, though I have taken to falling FAST asleep at around 4 or 5am in the last few nights, meaning that I'm getting a good 3- 4 hours of real sleep, which is an improvement from NONE.   The bad Baycrest dreams are getting shorter.  Appreciated.  Gone would be better.   But I'm being patient.   And trying to stay off the sleeping pills.  I don't wanna get hooked.  Finding a fuzzy comfy fog in a little blue pill every night seems just a wee bit too tempting now-a-days. 

And this morning I woke up with a crick in my neck - I look like a friggin' moron, turning my whole body to look around.

And, other than that, I'm pretty numb.  I'm immersing myself in work as much as possible (having D here instead of out doing the jobs is kind of distracting, but as of the 15th he'll be out doing sales calls, much better for growing our little company.  In my haste to anticipate having my days to myself again once Spring had sprung I forgot that hiring a crew meant that he did not have to work sun up to sun down if he didn't want to.  Right now we only have one vehicle, so he has to stay home with me all day 'till the crew returns.  As of the 15th we'll have two again.  Thank god, or I'd probably... I won't finish that sentence.)

I listened to my uncles songs yesterday and had a good cry... every so often I look up in the sky and look out for birds(wondering why?)...  I'm thinking of uploading some of his music for you all to hear - is that something that would appeal to y'all?  It's not in English but the melodies are gorgeous.  I'm not 100% how to do that without putting 'em on YouTube, or in my sidebar like my songs are, so any tips would be GREATLY appreciated! And I'm gonna get back on the Juri and the Bears Blog.   I think it could be a great support to adults and children alike, who are going through a terminal illness.

And my plans for today? I've got more company organization work to do, customer calling to do...


and more F*ing positivity to radiate.  <3

Mumbo, Jumbo & Sad

This post may seem sporadic and un-connected - but that's exactly my state of mind, so it's fitting.

The last week has been a whirlwind, I'm not going to re-cap cuz it's too painful.

If ya'll really wanna know what happened, you can read my last post, or read through my tweets to get a better sense of stuff.

For now, I'm just gonna write. Like you are my diary. 

It's been so weird being at my Mom & Dad's house for so many hours straight in the last few days for Shivah.  I haven't spent that much time there in years. It was the first time that I have been able to do it though, without fleeing home after an hour or two.  I usually get very uncomfortable, so I'm glad that didn't happen this time.

I'm already judging this post - thinking I'm leaving things out, not considering my words enough, not conveying  the 'right' message. But I'm gonna ignore those feelings.

I feel so fragile right now - like any more rocking of my boat will cause me to capsize. And possibly drown.  If not drown, than at least lose all my worldly possessions (my mind) in this wicked and wild sea of life.

I have so much admiration towards my parents' friends.  They have been so supportive. This is supposed to be a good thing, but it has made the sparse network of 'real life' friends that I travel in seem even more useless than it did before. This rocks my boat.

My Sessie cat is not feeling well.  She hasn't moved almost at all in 2 days, and won't eat, and I'm having to force feed water to her to keep her hydrated. And one of D's toxic toads got out, so I don't know if she came into contact with it. He found it in the dogs food dish.
This rattles and rocks my boat.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep without seeing and hearing my uncles last breath. Which means I can't sleep, even when I'm drugged (like last night, when I'd 'wake' from a 1/2 asleep state with odd thoughts in my brain...for example... if I forget the name of the diagnosis they gave my Dad in the hospital, I won't be able to help him if he feels sick again)

This VEHEMENTLY SHAKES my boat.

I'm thinking about the fact that when my parents die, if my network of 'real life' friends is as sparse and frivolous as it is right now I will undoubtedly capsize and sink to the bottom of the sea.

I'm thinking about how people keep telling me that my mother will undoubtedly crash after Shivah is over because she will have such an immense and seemingly unfulfillable void in her heart - and how they look at me like I'm supposed to know what to do is COMPLETELY freaking me out too.

This past week of trying to comfort her, act as her equal in terms of 'hostessing' the shivah house (despite the fact that one is really not supposed to do that in terms of Jewish tradition, but my Mom would not have it any other way) has all but made me bedridden.  I'm not sure how I'm still standing.  My legs and back are throbbing, almost constantly, but I'm so numb.  I can't even cry anymore. 

I keep thinking that I'm heartless because I only cried the day it happened, and the next day at the funeral.  It's like after the funeral I just turned it off somehow and I've been playing the happy hostess since.  But I'm exhausted.  And so not happy.

Ugh. This is enough for tonight.  I can't believe I'm posting something so un-planned, un-thought out, un-edited.

Take it or leave it people, it's all I got right now.

the ABC's of ME

 
I'm having a slow start this morning.  

Stuff's fuzzy, foggy & slow,thus...

I'm borrowing a post idea from Liberal Granola Girl's Blog  

who got it from  Type A’s Nightmare.

Sharing IS caring. :D   

The ABCs of me:

A – Age: 29
B – Bed size: King
C – Chore you hate: cleaning the litter box (which D pretty much does every time now even though they are "my" cats.  I hold the bag sometimes while looking away and gagging.)
D – Dog/Pet’s name: You guys have met 4 already, Bronx, Atilla (dogs) Topper & Sess (cats).  Then there's the rest of the zoo who are yet to be introduced: Freddy, Frank, Shovelhead, Green eyed bandit, Spot, Food.  And 6 unnamed little creatures who we also love. More to come on them later, but if you want to read bout some of my animals check this out.
E – Essential start to your day item(s): really not proud to say this but... my green best friend. those who know me well know what I'm talking bout.  Those who don't... well, use your imagination, or read some of my older posts. You'll figure it out.
F – Favorite color: Used to be indigo blue, now I'm starting to lean more towards turquoise-y blues/ greens.  My glasses are turquoise on the inside.
And I <3 anything forest-y, as you can tell! :D
G – Gold or Silver: white gold or PLATINUM :D
H – Height: 5′ 2″ (and D is 6'2".  I often wonder if we look funny to other people)
I – Instruments you play(ed): piano, viola, cello, guitar, flute, recorder. but am not v.good.
J – Job title: Home Office Manager. Wifey. Pet Mama.
K – Kisses or hugs: why do I have to choose?
L – Living arrangements: renting :( stupid apartment.  We can't wait to live in Utopia.
M – Mood: restless. ready for a change. anxious for summer.
N – Nicknames: Nat, NaVe (Nah-vey.  It's what I use if I perform & online. obviously)Babe, Baby, Natalushka (thanks Mom) zabinka(again, Mom. It means little frog in Slovak. I dunno why she calls me this,sounds cuter out loud.)
O – Overnight hospital stays other than birth: a bunch.  I went nuts about 10 yrs ago and got sent to the looney bin a few times. I'm better now.  MOSTLY :P
P – Pet Peeves: Adults not cleaning up after themselves (I've had people stay on my couch a lot in the last few years. Mostly men, but even the women... like, you're staying here RENT FREE. Pick up your coffee cup and put it in the sink! Or, *GASP* wash it yourself!)  AND people who have lived in Canada for more that 5 years and still don't speak a word of English. And they run a store. In Toronto.
Q – Quote from a movie: I dunno if this is really my fave, but it's all I could think of...
"Hurumph! Hurumph! Hurumph! Hey! I didn't get a Hurumph outta that guy!
R – Right or left handed: Right
S – Siblings: none - that I know of.... but I'm adopted, so WHO KNOWS?
T – Time you wake up: It depends, but almost always before 8am.
U- Underwear: um, like, do I wear it?? most of the time.... :p
V – Vegetable you dislike: Radish, Beets.
W – Ways you run late: I always run late. I run late when there’s no way to run late. I will most certainly be late for my funeral. <—-ME TOO <-----------ME THREE!!!!
X – X-rays you've had: like, every part of my body.  I'm a huge clutz.
Y – Yummy food you make: Turkey with all the trimmings, stuffing from scratch! anything sweet/baked... cheese& spinach omelets, pad thai.
Z – Zoo favorite: marmosets!  I could spend HOURS at their cage! And at the Toronto Zoo they are in an actually cage, not behind plexi, so they come right up to you and you can touch their toes through the wire!  Not that you're supposed to or anything... geee, I hope the zoo police don't come to my door now....

Your turn =)

Grow a set...

I think my blog is (unintentionally)touching on some nerves  because 
I got a couple of hate comments on my last post. I'm not going to dwell on this for too long, but some of my tweeps were asking me what the hate comments were regarding. I kinda wish I hadn't been so rash in emotion this morning and had left 'em on here, they would be good for a laugh now that I'm in a happier, more zen, more secure state of mind.

The jist of it was this:
One commenter mentions that D and I should take some time to sort out our problems before having a child.  This is something we are currently doing, and what I mention in a couple of posts in the past are that I have doubts which I need to quench before going forward with IUI #1. (and that there are financial issues which also need to get resolved.)

This comment was not the issue.

When I read on my heart did a pitter patter.
I'm not one for confrontations.
And the comment started with the B word.

My temper flared right away. I read on.

It continued to say that the above commenter was right,  I am not fit to be a mother (which was not what she said at all), D and I should separate immediately and that I am a pathetic loser because I'm obviously in an abusive relationship and refuse to leave.  And that people like me deserve to be shot.

...
...

That's me, sitting on my couch at 7:30am on a Sunday morning with my jaw hanging off it's hinge.

Why would anyone say these things to me???

I read on.

Next comment, also anonymous:

'Oh Yah, I hope that when you get pregnant you have a miscarriage right at the end of your pregnancy.'

I SHIT YOU NOT.

So I deleted them, like the good little pacifist that I am.... and sulked off to vent on twitter.  But then I thought, "THIS IS MY BLOG!" and my friends re-in-forced.... "THAT'S NA-VE'S BLOG!" and so I retorted.

To myself.

Because the stupid anonymous commenter is a Mrs. Scaredy-Pants who comments mean things anonymously.  And I say "Mrs." because to make a statement like the last comment she left is very distinctly female.  Like - she would want said miscarriage to be as painful as it could possibly be by making it so that I carried almost to term before losing my miracle baby. Men can be cruel, but not that viciously cruel. 

I wish I knew who the commenter was - I'd send her a vat of testosterone so that she could physically grow a set and actually have the kahunas that it takes to throw those kinds of comments into cyberspace and back them up when the person defends themselves.

After all, insulting someone who can't even defend them self is like Arnold Schwarzenegger beating up a little old lady.

People Love Me!

I'm so flattered - I have recieved not one, but TWO awards recently.

The lovely Holly at Ready To Be A Mom  graciously gave me the Happy 101 Award.
The Rules are:  I have to tell you the 10 things that make my day, and then nominate 10 other bloggers for the award. 





 But I also got another award from sweet Cara over at My Life with PCOS - the "You're going places" award.  The Rules for this one are:   Tell your blog readers where you want to be in 10 years and then nominate 10 other bloggers for the award.




So, here I go.... For the 10 things that make my day...

1. Waking up not sore, not achy, and not at 3am.
2. Being able to do morning Yoga on the days where I wake up not sore, not achy and not at 3am.
3. My cat, Sess,  being happy to see me every time I come out of the bedroom into the living room.
4. My cat, Topper, following me around all day and sleeping by my shoulder at night cuz he's so attached to me. 
5. Getting blog comments from my readers
6. Having a bunch of @'s or DM's on my twitter in the morning when I get up, even if I hadn't tweeted much the day before.
7. This one is rare, but.... when D wakes up before me and cleans off the coffee table and makes tea/coffee for me.
8. The fact that I can work from home (sometimes) makes my day.
9. Getting a cheque from a customer I've been hounding for months.
10. (also rare...)Finding a new Ani song/ video on YouTube that I haven't ever heard or seen before.

AND NOW - where would I like to be in 10 years?
Well, many of you have already read my  Utopia  post but if you haven't that would be a good place to start. It pretty much sums up the answer to this question. But basically,  I'd like to have children (duh!), and be happily hippied away on our commune, growing food, making clothes, working on being totally self-sufficient and eco-friendly. 

and now... 10 bloggers that I nominate for the awards... (yes, I am kind of cheating, I should be nominating 20 people for the two awards combined, but since I'm amalgamating the awards into one post, I figured I'd get away with it :P)  I'm giving you all both awards, cuz you're all so fab, but don't feel pressure - you can accept one or both, it's up to you :D

Drum Roll Please..........

1.  (PlaiduhPus) at Duck, Duck, PlaiduhPus
2.  (ahmymarriedlife) at Ah... My Married Life
3. (afterthealter) at After the Alter
4. (HopefulMamaHack) at Creating HackSpawn
5. (ShortJewish) at Shorty's Adventure
6. (WaitingLisa) at Waiting Lisa
7. (FertilityChick) at Fertility Chick
8. (TTC_Queen) at Liberal Granola Girl's Blog
9. (Amaprincess) at The Road to Happily Ever After
10. (FertilityGuy) at In the Name of the Father


So there you have it... my nominations.

I'm so grateful to have found such wonderful people online. These blog awards are a fun way to share the love!  (and also gave me a post idea this morning, for which I was very grateful since I'm still stuck in a writer's block rut)

Hope you all have a great day!

Writers Block

Well, I've got writer's block again.  I thought to myself - what do my Tweeps & blogles wanna read? I'm really not sure! I thought the Ani stuff would be big... but alas, only 4 comments on those two posts combined so far...

Then I thought... I'll do a zoo post! But ya'll already know what pets I have.
And it just doesn't seem that interesting right now. Plus, I'd have to dig out pictures. And it's only fair to show ya'll some of the crazy animals we've had in the past as well - so that'll be a post for another day on which I am a bit more inspired.

So, instead, here I am, babbling away, blogging about writer's block.

What are your techniques for battling the dreaded "empty head" syndrome?
Do you get down-in-the-dumps like I do when you can't think of a good blog posting?

(my train of thought when this happens... "I must be useless. I must be boring! Why am I even bothering? I should go back to bed.)

But THEN.... THEN my dear tweets & blogles.... I remember all of you. And I realize... I can't be THAT boring... there are people following me! And reading my randomness! So I pull myself out of my self-pitying duvet-encased cave and write.

And today, I am writing about nothing.

Nothing, nothing nothing.

Sorry to disappoint you, my tweets &blogles.  Even the insanely-sane NaVe has brain farts.
And, occasionally, like this morning, an empty head. 


Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

I have a story to tell you....

 Or rather, a series of short stories.

One of the ways that I am combating some of the feelings that I have about my uncle's condition and that whole complicated situation is by writing a blog that was inspired by his imagination and coping skills. 

One of the things that happened just before I stopped going to the hospital on a very regular (few times a week) basis was that my uncle started telling these stories.  Hilarious stories that he was making up involving these two teddy bears that someone brought him.  He would use the teddy bears to express his own fears/pains/concerns when it started getting harder for him to voice his problems.  One example: he had lost the ability to get up and go to the bathroom and had been put in adult diapers so he decided that he's find the humor in the situation and made up a story that his bear was feeling left out because he was the only one in the ward not wearing a diaper.  He asked my mom to get a little towel for him and he actually fastened the towel to the bear as if it were a diaper. To make the bear feel like it fit in.  At first I thought it was strange - a grown man, my uncle, playing with stuffed animals? But the more I listened to the stories the more I understood.
It was a coping mechanism for him - and a good one at that.  The stories brought (and still occasionaly bring) laughter to our family when really there is nothing to laugh at.


So I started writing them down. Not formally, just little notes here and there so that I would remember them long after he's gone.

When I started this blog I thought to myself, my uncle really wanted these stories to provide comfort to other families, especially families with children undergoing treatment for cancer. What better way at reaching out to the masses than a blog?

He is very adamant on creating good out of bad situations.  And also on the importance of having fun every day.  These stories have become his form of  fun - thinking up new adventures for the teddy bears. Now I'm making them my weekly fun - doing something nice to commemorate my uncle and  at the same time brushing up on something I love - writing, and in particular fictional stories for children.

I've been keeping the two blogs separate for pretty obvious reasons. Some of the things I talk about on So Crazy I'm Sane are just not.. umm... family friendly.  My parents are reading the stories about the bears, and they are sharing the blog site with many of their friends.  I didn't want the two connected - I didn't want their friends finding my blog - or even worse, having my parents find my blog.  But after much testing and studying of the intricacies of the blogger search engine and privacy settings I have decided to let Juri and the Bears out of their closet.  And if by doing this I am inadvertantly letting my alter ego, NaVe (read:the REAL me) out of the closet, then so be it. Que sera, sera. 

I invite you all to read along, comment if you would like, but PLEASE keep in mind that I'm leading a slightly twisted, convoluted double life and would be DEVASTATED if my two worlds came hurling together... so if you comment please help me maintain my anonymity.

There will be a new adventure once a week, I usually try to post on the weekend, so if you have a few extra minutes - there's only 3 chapters up so far so not too much to catch up on ;) 

Hope you all enjoy :) Pass the word along if you know ANYONE who you think may find comfort in a bit humor in a tragic situation.
Click here to visit Juri and the Bears                             

Why I blog

Here are my top 16 reasons for starting a blog this year.

1. I have loved journalling my whole life, but don't make enough time for it.  Blogging is more convenient, plus I feel a responsibility to my readers to post often.  And it's more eco-friendly.

2. I need a place to vent where no body knows my name. All too often I have vented to the wrong person, only to have it come back and bite me in the ass.

3. I love writing and have gotten really rusty at being able to put sentences together that aren't full of slang/ errors.  Practice makes perfect.

4.The Global Village effect.  I think it's amazing at how small the world is when you're a blogger. I love how I feel "close" to women (and men) around the world because of blogging and twitter.

5. I really need an outlet for my emotional stuff.  This is different than venting, its not coming from an angry place.

6. DH is not great at conversing about above mentioned emotional stuff, so I need another support system sometimes.

7. It fills my bored moments (read:insomnia)  with something more productive than staring at other people's lives on facebook.

8. I think it will make me more self aware.

9. Reading other peoples blogs is helping me to become more aware (in general) and also less judgmental.

10. I like the feeling that I may be helping someone out there with my words.  Even if I'm just letting them know that they are not alone.

11. I like having something that is all mine.  DH and I share everything, and spend a LOT of time together.  I sometimes feel like I'm not my own person anymore because of that.  My blog is helping to counteract that.

12. Three words. Shameless Self Promotion.  I wish I could be a rockstar (well, a hippie, indie rockstar).  Maybe I'll make it through twitter  & blogger.

13. It makes me less lonely.

14. I can obsess endlessly over the aesthetic appeal of my blog and no one has to know about it (oops. I just told you all. this one is now kinda redundant)...

15. I like sharing my randomness with the world. Somehow when it's all writeen out, it doesn't seem like such randomness.

16. I can post whatever I like. Even a top 16 list (and no one can tell me it's dumb to have an arbitrary # like 16 as a top "something" list)


So there they are, just a few reasons why I am a blogger now.
What about you? Would love to hear some of your reasons....
Remember - sharing is caring :)