Finding my Happy

Yesterday  I was 'msn'ing' with an old friend. She knows D very well, in fact I know her through him & she also is beginning to know me very well as she has decided to embark on the adventure that one undertakes when becoming my follower on twitter.  She thus has pretty good insight on what's happening in my life, because I'm an open book & she knows the other chapter of my story quite well ;)

She said, very wisely, that my tweets have begun to indicate a fair amount of despair & depression. And that despite the fact that I frequently vent about relationship drama between me & my love, the darkness is most likely coming from the void that I feel OUTSIDE of my relationship.

It's true.  I try to stay positive, hopeful, optimistic, & happy & all that jazz but there's a monster lurking too close to the surface for my comfort.  And try as he might, D can not do anything about it.  This fact alone brings out a not -so-nice aspect of our relationship... him trying, me rejecting him & him then being cold & aggressive because... well, basically I'm being a bitch too.

As a veteran of therapy, both group & individual, I can tell the signs of depression.  I see that I'm in trouble.  I see that I need help.  I see that lack of luster in myself, my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings is getting stronger... but I just am kinda of the mind set that I want to try & use my self-taught skills (and call on some of the skills that I've learned in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - if you're interested in hearing more about this please leave a comment & I will blog about it next!) in conjunction with my newly found twitter support system rather than running back to therapy, or worse still, medication.

What my wise friend suggested was that I make a list. A list of things OUTSIDE my relationship that make me jump for joy. Things that tickle my thoughts.  Things that stimulate my senses. 
I have been happy before, I do experience happiness still & thus, there must be circumstances, things, people, situations, etc. that still make me happy.

So here,  blogles & tweeties, are (some of) my happys!

(I'm gonna be random, start with small things and maybe things that people will find strange... but it's all part of the process! I need to once more learn to take joy in the little pleasures of life!)

~ my cats (duh)
~ Ani Difranco (duh - I said I was starting with the easy things!)
~ composing & recording music.   (need to find a good software for this! SUGGESTIONS? I've used sequel 2, cakewalk & fruityloops, but never understood what I was doing.. need something user friendly! read:dummy-fied) 
~ guitar (need to become more consistent with playing so I don't have to go through the pain of re-developing calluses every single time! what a turn off!) 
~ photography & digitally editing photos
~ reading with tea & kush at Roach-a-rama in Kensington Market (requires me to leave the house & take the transit to go downtown... not that likely at the moment... but still a happy)
~ yoga (need to find some bum-knee friendly yoga - suggestions anyone??)
~ swimming (need to find a public pool nearby for swimming 3x/ week)
~ shopping for fruits & veggies & spices & nuts (productive to my diet too!)
~ shopping in general (though this can get dangerous!)
~ cooking & baking
~ knitting
~ PAINTING (really MISS this one!)
~ mani/pedi
~ bath & wine time (not sure I can swing this in my current apartment... our bathtub SUCKS)
~ journalling/blogging :)

And I think that's all for now! That's actually a pretty good list, if I don't say so myself (which I do!) All of the things on there are things that I enjoyed doing pre-D and kinda stopped doing due to various factors in my current situation... none of which are written in stone, and all of which I can change.
So now, the task at hand is to DO SOMETHING and actually make this list go to good use.  That's the hardest part of it all, 'cuz if you've followed my blog at all, you'll know I"m great at making lists & plans & not so great at the actual execution of things. But here's another shot...

To my Wise friend (one in specific but also, to all my wise friends who are reading!)  please remember, we need to kick each others asses into gear, for who else is in a better position to push you to succeed in finding your happy but your friends?  <3

Wishful thinking....

I've settled into a sort of strange mental cave, driven to spark a change but still physically restricted.
I'm learning to let my brain & my fingers help me imagine what I will do once my knee gets better...

Let me share some of my wishful thinking.

D and I wish to go out into the country to roast a turkey on an open fire for Thanksgiving (for my American readers, Canadian Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend!)

The venue yet undecided, I just want to see trees.  I have no stipulations, just nature & more nature. And a comfy chair by the fire & cozy blanket ;)
The fewer humans the better (other than our immediate posse).

I wish my parents would want to roast a turkey with us.
I'll leave it at this. I'm not even going to open this can of worms during this post....
lets leave the family drama outta it...... 
 
But more than that, I wish that we had a family of our own to take.

I long to see vibrant autumn reds, smell the smoky crisp air, feel the fingertips of October chill on my cheek & snuggle in warmth of my cozy fall layers.

I long for hayrides, corn mazes, face painting and apple bobbing.

I long for a tradition of picking & carving pumpkins, striving for the most ghoulish, glowing gaze. Roasting seeds. Pies.

What do you long for? What are your family traditions for Thanksgiving?

One other thing I long for? Sharing. Caring. Togetherness.

Delayed

** I'm posting this on Monday, April 5th, but I wrote it originally on Saturday, April 3rd.  I wanted to post it because it was an important post to me, and I didn't want to omit it. **

Yesterday was one of those days that one prays to never have.

It's nearing the end for my uncle, which is bittersweet as I know he will find relief in passing, but am worried about how my Mom will take it - she's been there for 36 hours straight now.

My Dad came to pick me up yesterday in the morning to go and be with her for the day at the hospital. I was super anxious getting ready and waiting for him to come.  I do not deal well at all with watching someone I care about in the state that my uncle is in. But I knew I needed to be there for my Mom, despite any feelings I had about the situation.

But when I saw my Dad as he drove up, something was not right.
He's been having fainting spells for about a year - unexplained despite a zillion tests and doctor's appointments.  It worries me incredibly - I am super close to my Dad.

He drove off from the building, but I made him pull over as soon as we got to the road because I could see in his face that he wasn't feeling well.

I drove the rest of the way to Baycrest, and he kind of got some of his colour back.

When we got to Baycrest, the situation was dismal.  My uncle is gasping with every breath he takes, and is so drugged up that he will never speak to us again.  My Mom, like a rock, stays strong through all this - but my Dad, despite his strength and determination to be a rock like my Mom, is more severely affected.

My Dad started getting all sweaty again, while we were sitting by my uncles bed.  He confessed to me that his arm/fingers and jaw were tingling.  I knew something bad was coming.  My mom asked him to get some paperwork regarding the funeral that's being planned out of his briefcase.  He stood up, and his eyes rolled back in his head.  My Mom and I both caught him before he hit the ground.  He's a heavy man.  I couldn't support him, so I slid down to the ground with him and held him from behind.
We got him seated in a chair and his eyes started rolling back in his head again.
Someone called the nurse, and 911.

A stupid bitch of a nurse came in and started monitoring his pulse, and took his blood pressure, all whilst mouthing to me, over my parent's heads, that my father had just had a heart attack.   They gave him a spray of nitro (which the ER doctor was appalled by - nitro should never be administered if there is a history of fainting with no heart symptons/blood pressure symptoms.  It lowered my Dad's already low blood pressure).  It seemed like forever until the paramedics came.

By the time they came, my Dad was feeling better.  This is what has happened in the past when he's fainted.  This time I put my foot down - he was not talking us out of going to the hospital with the ambulance.  Normally he will not go.  But as his G.P. did not seem to have a clue as to why this was happening, I was not about to let him off that easy.

So off we went to the hospital, me making dumb jokes with the paramedic & my Dad to try and get him to smile some.   These last 9 months with my Mom and uncle have taken an enormous toll on my normally jovial, hilarious Daddy.  I managed to get a few smiles out of him.

We waited about 3 hours at emergency, and when we finally saw a doctor I felt that the wait was worth it.  He finally gave my dad a diagnosis to chew on - Vasovagal syncope. It's not life threatening, and the triggers are very much like an anxiety attack trigger.  I googled it last night when I got home, and it fits his symptoms to a 't'.  I'm just wondering why it took a year to diagnose something which the ER doctor said was fairly common. 

All in all, spending the day at the emergancy with my Dad was probably far less traumatic for me than spending the day watching my uncle die.  I really truly don't understand how my mom can stomach it for such extended periods of time. Especially for a woman with MS.  I don't know how she does it.

And today?  Today is a new day, have to pick up my Dad (he left his car at Baycrest yesterday) and go down to spend some time there with my Mom. 

All the outpouring of support and love from my Tweeties is amazing.  Despite my brief pity party last night (about how Twitter is not the same as having friends in real life) you all keep me going. I think part of my problem last night is that there are a few of you who I really would have loved to have close to me right now, you are such great supports, and such fabulous people.  Being connected through cyberspace doesn't seem like enough for me at the moment.  But I'll take all I can get! <3

** Just as I finished writing this, my Mom called my cell to tell me to hurry and pick up my Dad and get down there. I didn't  save it, but my laptop is miraculous and when I resumed windows (had left laptop unplugged for the whole time so it died), here was the post. I thought it fortuitous, and decided to post it now. **

Wordless Wednesday

To honour my Bubby... 

she was so sweet & made the yummiest Matzo Ball's for Passover. 

She's turning 87 this year! 

She's a  Holocaust survivor and pretty much the strongest woman I know. 

More on that in a later post.... this one's already too wordy!

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Grow a set...

I think my blog is (unintentionally)touching on some nerves  because 
I got a couple of hate comments on my last post. I'm not going to dwell on this for too long, but some of my tweeps were asking me what the hate comments were regarding. I kinda wish I hadn't been so rash in emotion this morning and had left 'em on here, they would be good for a laugh now that I'm in a happier, more zen, more secure state of mind.

The jist of it was this:
One commenter mentions that D and I should take some time to sort out our problems before having a child.  This is something we are currently doing, and what I mention in a couple of posts in the past are that I have doubts which I need to quench before going forward with IUI #1. (and that there are financial issues which also need to get resolved.)

This comment was not the issue.

When I read on my heart did a pitter patter.
I'm not one for confrontations.
And the comment started with the B word.

My temper flared right away. I read on.

It continued to say that the above commenter was right,  I am not fit to be a mother (which was not what she said at all), D and I should separate immediately and that I am a pathetic loser because I'm obviously in an abusive relationship and refuse to leave.  And that people like me deserve to be shot.

...
...

That's me, sitting on my couch at 7:30am on a Sunday morning with my jaw hanging off it's hinge.

Why would anyone say these things to me???

I read on.

Next comment, also anonymous:

'Oh Yah, I hope that when you get pregnant you have a miscarriage right at the end of your pregnancy.'

I SHIT YOU NOT.

So I deleted them, like the good little pacifist that I am.... and sulked off to vent on twitter.  But then I thought, "THIS IS MY BLOG!" and my friends re-in-forced.... "THAT'S NA-VE'S BLOG!" and so I retorted.

To myself.

Because the stupid anonymous commenter is a Mrs. Scaredy-Pants who comments mean things anonymously.  And I say "Mrs." because to make a statement like the last comment she left is very distinctly female.  Like - she would want said miscarriage to be as painful as it could possibly be by making it so that I carried almost to term before losing my miracle baby. Men can be cruel, but not that viciously cruel. 

I wish I knew who the commenter was - I'd send her a vat of testosterone so that she could physically grow a set and actually have the kahunas that it takes to throw those kinds of comments into cyberspace and back them up when the person defends themselves.

After all, insulting someone who can't even defend them self is like Arnold Schwarzenegger beating up a little old lady.

One year closer......

So, it's my 29th birthday today, I'm one year closer to the year that I've kinda always put out as my "deadline".   Deadline for what you ask?  

Um....

STUFF!
...


lol. Okay no, seriously - I always thought I'd be married with kids & a career (or a career driven/millionaire hubby making it possible for me to become a professional SAHM)... but I'm pretty much NOT EVEN CLOSE to that reality.... nor am I close to my UTOPIA reality.

But I'm zen about it.  Really.   I'm "livin' in the moment".  And I actually mean that for once in my life. My latest bout of darkness has brought anew my optimism for the future.   And today, on the day that I'm exactly 365 days away from the deadline that I've been envisioning since the day I knew how, I'm cool.  I'm calm.  I'm collected.

I'm pretty happy, and I know where I need (and where I WANT) to be next year.  (for real, not where I thought I'd be in my 6,7,8 etc... year old mind)

So this morning I thought I'd share 5 of the  things I WANNA accomplish in my 29th year. (I tweeted and warned you all about the I WANNA'S coming up today!... )

Not exactly a resolution list, just kind of a guideline to help me in a few months when I'm floating aimlessly through my long -anticipated summer.

1. Get to the gym.   I was 80 lbs. thinner just 3 short years ago.  I know I can do it, and I think it will help HUGELY with my fibromyalgia, endo and pcos if I get back there. Here's a pic to help you (and me) visualize:

This was about 4 years ago actually - but still... thin(er).

And now?
.... searching.... searching..... searching....



Geez - it's super hard to find a current full body shot!  That'll show ya right there how much I need to do this!

Okay - here's one.... me trying to convince myself to get in the freezing cold Georgian Bay last summer.....

OMG I can't believe I'm even putting this picture online.  You wouldn't believe the verbal thrashing that D got for taking an unprepared shot of me from behind....

But I digress...

2. Music Music Music -  gotta get back on the singer/songwriter bandwagon.   If nothing else I have learned that me drifting away from my creativity is never ever a good thing. Want to get a recording done or at least mostly done this year.  A professional recording.  That I can sell on iTunes.  I don't care if it's far fetched. I'm doin' it.

3. GET PREGGO!  Ok, so I can't exactly control this one, but #'s 1& 2 may help keep me sane and fit and zen and all that good fertility stuff.

4.Go somewhere - this is kinda vague.   Ok - go somewhere outside Ontario.  D has never left Ontario, and I have a serious travel bug that has remained unfed for 10 years, and may just feed on my eyeballs if I don't satisfy it soon.






5. Become a better/ more involved family member.   I need to get over some shit.  It's about f'ing time.   If that means I have to be more mature than my mother/parents/elder  then so be it.


 
So that's it - hope you enjoyed....  I'm off to finish my quiet (read:early!!!) birthday morning of blogging, tweeting and catching up on my favorite people's lives.   Today, more than before, I cherish the new connections and friendships I'm making through this blog and my tweets.  I've always had a cloud over me on my birthday - no one seemed to care, or remember, or notice.  You all have given me the strength to realize that those people don't matter -  and the one's who do are with me all the time in my mind and heart.

Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

Light shining through!

So....the (not so) infamous "so crazy that she's sane" NaVe left the vicinity of my physical persona on Sunday.

She departed suddenly and without {?} provocation, leaving a shell, an empty hollow vessel of skin, a lump sitting on the couch being angry.

I could discuss the things that led up to her departure, but I feel that would be counterproductive, so instead I'll just tell you how it felt {feels}.  And how I got her back.

You have undoubtedly read my poetry entries (of course you have! No one misses a post - right?) and thus are acutely aware of the fact that my creativity is heightened during these happiness droughts in my life.  I'm  not sure why it is - I guess being melancholy is a catalyst to my creative juices.  It's almost like I can't speak "normally" during these times.  I become totally introverted in person, and my tongue doesn't work to say anything that isn't poetic.  I don't want to  speak, I only want write during these times - hence my twitter absence and {sporadic} poetic  posts.

It's as if my mind exists, for a time, only to create - not to live, eat, shit, drink, sleep, laugh, cry - or any of the things I "normally" do.

I also get really really angry when someone tries to pull me out of my darkness before I'm ready.   So, naturally, D got the short end of the stick quite a few times over the last few days.  He doesn't understand my inability to shed the dark at my whim.  And that makes me livid.  And when I'm livid I start doing things that I don't mean to do - like call my parents and tell them that I'm leaving him (which is a HUGE no no, 'cuz they remember EVERYTHING and hold grudges against anyone who makes me cry - even if the person is not really the one making me cry, but instead it's my own frustration seeping out).  Or delete my twitter account, blogpress and any other social networking media from my cell phone to "prove a point" (not sure what point I was trying to prove there, I just made myself more mad)

And it got even uglier.  But I digress. 


So - how did I get her back?  How am I making the return to my normal, slightly quirky, but pretty optimistic self?

Well, I wrote.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  I haven't written this much in years - and it felt GREAT!  And I have my twitter ladies (and a few gents) and blog readers to thank for that.

In the last few years I have recoiled from my creativity - falling victim to the constant down-pressing of certain people telling me my aspirations are "hoop dreams".   Now, after getting positive feedback and lovin' from my twitterverse and blogisphere - I'm back.  And with a vengeance!

So, my mission is to sort through some of the jumbled mess of words, find the gems, hopefully write some new music, and put these angry/frustrated/insightful few days of lyricism to good creative use.

Be on the look out - more poetry to come!  The songs will most likely take a while longer, but I'm working on a few beauts ;)

One last thing - THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU....


I am so pleased that this bout of darkness only lasted 4 days.

And it's LARGELY because of all of YOU!!!

ps.  Dontcha just love that pic?  I took that in 2008 on our yearly migration to the Bruce Peninsula, Ontario for a Pow Wow at the Cape Croker Indian Park.   We have a blast - every year!  Well - last year was quite buggy - but that's a whole other post! :P

Wordless Wednesday

Overlaping on Valentine's Day

 So, today is Valentine's Day.

I typically have a hard time on V-Day - always have.  When I was in high school I never got a "Valentine-o-gram" like everyone else (the boys and girls schools would have booths set up the week leading up to v-day and you could buy these little packages for guys at your brother school and vice versa).




My boyfriends have always seemed to be really nonchalant about Valentine's Day as well - I don't know how a romantic sap like me keeps winding up with men who don't have a romantic bone in their bodies.

But this year I have made up my mind. I will have a good Valentine's Day. And, as my post from yesterday reminded me, I looked to Ani to refresh my romantic feelings and lovey-dovey ness towards D.

There are a bunch of Ani songs that I identify with this relationship of mine.  Some when I'm in an angry mood, some if I'm sad, and a lot when I'm happy too.  This one in particular rings really true to me. It's the ringtone on my cell when D calls. It's the song I listen to when I have qualms/fears/doubts about why I'm still here.

Here are the lyrics:

"Overlap"

I search your profile
for a translation
I study the conversation
like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking,
no, I'm not done looking yet

each one of us
wants a piece of the action
you can hear it in what we say
you can see it in what we do
we negotiate with chaos
for some sense of satisfaction
if you won't give it to me
at least give me a better view

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no,
I'm not done looking yet

I build each one of my songs
out of glass
so you can see me inside of them
I suppose
or you could just leave the image of me
in the backround, I guess
and watch your own reflection superimposed

I build each one of my days out of hope
and I give that hope your name
and I don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

come here
stand in front of the light
stand still
so I can see your sillouette
I hope
you have got all night
'cause I'm not done looking
no, I'm not done looking yet

I seach your profile for a translation
I study the conversation like a map
'cause I know there is strength
in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort
where we overlap

Here's a video with a recorded version of the song...





Here's an amazing video - same song but live.  She's better live than on CD I think. I always feel so connected to her when I'm in her audience. Sorry for the repetition, but she's so amazing live, and I love the casual way this video begins.




I hope you enjoyed, and I wish you all a very very Happy Valentine's Day!
For my single readers - one thing I like about Valentine's Day is that you can have more than one Valentine when you're single! Valentine it up today! Make your BFF your Valentine. Or find one of those "lock&key" Valentine parties at a club & live it up! :D



Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

My solution to most any issue in my life - - including writer's block!

We draw inspiration from all around us, from imagery, nature, books, movies - all these things allow our minds to create and imagine.

For me, a major source of inspiration is music, and in particular the music of Ani Difranco.

I started listening to Ani (yes, we are on a first name basis - in my mind anyways) a LOOOOONGG time ago.  I was in the 6th grade, and despite the fact that back then I didn't really understand what many of her lyrics meant, the ones that I did shook me to my core.  They were so powerful, but so simple.  They rolled off my tongue so simply, as if I had written them myself.

When I started teaching myself to play the guitar, originally I had planned to be able to play Ani songs - which I quickly realized was just NOT going to happen.  Such talent! I am awestruck by the sounds that she creates with her voice, her body and her guitar - and try as I might I have not been able to grasp the unique method in which she plays.  Only a few songs are 'easy' enough for me to manage, and even those (that I have played a million times over) escape me after months of not practicing.

I was pondering, not so patiently, about what to base my next post on when Ani's voice came to me through my laptop speakers...

"I was blessed with a birth and a death, and I guess I just want some say in between.

don't you understand? in the day to day and the face to face -

I have to act just as strong as I can just to preserve a place where I can be who I am.

so if you still know how talk to me now." 

Ani DiFranco (her first album, despite what it says on Amazon it was put out in 1990)

Isn't she amazing?

 As I said, I started listening to Ani about 17  (1993/94) years ago.  She came out with her first album "Ani Difranco" in 1990 but I quickly caught up - she had already come out with 5 CD's by 1993 and once I had purchased my first Ani CD, Like I said, I was hooked and bought the previous 4 the next day.

Ani was there for me during my darkest times.  And this morning while faced with a completely blank mind she reached out and reminded me of an old habit that I have let go despite the fact that I think it's probably the healthiest habit I have ever taught myself. 

When I was in despair I always, without fail or falter, turned to Ani for answers.   I would literally talk to her - as she instructs me to in the song I shared with you above.   And everytime I did I came out more level headed, confident and self-aware. 

So now, my dear readers, I am want to share my inspriational idol...
the woman that I aspire to be "when I grow up"....

I was originally going to do a whole series of  "Ani" posts but now, after having written this one, I'm realizing that the power of Ani is best sprinkled in, appropriately and carefully - the same way she sprinkles her music with intellectuality, romance, romance-gone-wrong, politics and universal love. 

 Please comment!  With this post I am especially curious about feedback. (not that I am not already becoming totally obsessed with the amount of comments I get on other posts :P)

Do you love her as much as I do? Do you already know all about her?

Please, if you are a fellow Ani-lover then let me know! We can share the love!

Also, if you have a particular song you would like to hear me explore/relate to/tell you my story about, I'd be so into that! Fuse my Muse =)

ps. in case you want to do some follow up on your own....

You can go to Ani's webiste here.

You can visit the record label she started (which will be a whole other post!) here.