Girlfriends

As you know I've been stuck in bed for days.
Yesterday I ventured out only to realize that walking around in the state that I'm in, even if just down the elevator to the car, is a BAAAAD idea, so today I'm back to couch city.  But today I don't have my faithful man servant by my side (*sob*) and thus I have been fending for my self this morning.  

What a miserable state of affairs.  I hobble.  I moan.  I whine.

I'm actually really glad to be home alone 'cuz I'm so embarassed about my baby-ish behaviour.

But seriously?  Hand foot mouth disease BITES THE BIG ONE.
It's painful.  It's itchy.  It's hot. It's cold. 
I sound like a man.

And the whole time I just keep thinking....
DAMN I wish I still had a best friend.  

Some of you know that I have recently shed a toxic friendship with a woman I was close with for a few years.  This is not the relationship I am missing.  I am actually rather relieved to be rid of the drama.   But seeing as how I don't feel like I can ask my mom to come over and help (she has Multiple Sclerosis and really and truly shouldn't be exposed to my feverish self for her own health's sake) I am really missing the assistance of a female. A girlfriend. D can be wonderful, but sometimes a girlfriend is just needed.
 And there is a girlfriend who wants to help.  A girlfriend who could help.  A girlfriend who has helped me before. 

Here's the problem.  D hates her.   See, he has known her a lot longer than I have.  And has known her through different phases in her life.   Phases she isn't proud of.  Phases I'm glad I wasn't around for.   She's still kind of a party girl, but that's part of what I love so much about her.  She's fun.  But she's more serious now than the girl that D remembers.  She's a mom now.   And though, I'll admit, she's still not the most responsible person I know, she's definitely a far cry from what D claims her to be. 

We used to be really close, before D and I moved in together.   I'm not proud to admit it, but I let my relationship with D come before my friendship with her.  In the last several months I have been trying to rectify that fact, and she is more than happy to have our friendship back - at least a little bit.  And I feel lucky that she's not holding a grudge.  But then again, I'm not sure if I"m being naive in thinking that she's just happy to be in contact again 'cuz she likes me - D seems to think it's because she wants to use me. 

We were supposed to see each other for the first time in almost 2 years this past Tuesday, but as I got sick I had to cancel.  She was totally understanding and since then has been texting me every day to ask if I need anything, or even just want company.  I told her I was contagious and didn't want her or her daughter to catch it from me - she said she'd wear a mask or just stay a short time to bring me stuff.  Doesn't sound like someone who wants to use me - but I don't know who to trust.  If you've read my tweets over the last few days you'll know that I really could use someone's help right now.  D is so busy with work, and so am I, that I haven't fully been able to rest and try to recover from the HFMD.

So I'm left with this dilemma.  My initial thoughts were that I would become friends with her, but as D didn't feel comfortable with her in our home, I would limit our friendship to coffee and outings away from my apartment.  But now that I've been sick, and she's being so kind, I'm so tempted to ask her to come over.  But I don't want D to be upset about the whole scenario.  And I don't want to use her. 

Has anyone been faced with something like this before?
I'm so torn.  I can't decide if I shed the friendship under false pretenses or whether I was correct in listening to D's words of advice.
And now I'm left wondering - am I revisiting this friendship because I'm lonely and want a girlfriend to hang out with?  Or do I really miss the girlfriend in question? And is she worth stirring up a conflict within my relationship with D?

I really know how to keep things complicated! Never a dull moment over here in the nutshell...

Quick Rant...

My Twitter followers already know I had a rough morning today.

I am now in bed encased in duvets and as many heat bags as I can stand trying to recover from it.  I'll recap it briefly for those of you who are curious...

I've been in a bad fibro flare since Sunday, and so even though I normally take the subway when I have to go downtown for doctor's appointments, this time D was supposed to drive me.  This was the appointment for the doctor that my Fertility Doctor reffered me to back in November, for some emotional/mental health support for women who just found out about their infertility and were having trouble coping.
I had a really bad case of depression at the time, brought on by the Clomid I think.

But anyways, this morning I kinda had a bad feeling about it 'cuz the appointment was 'early' (9am, so we had to get up at 7am to be there on time with traffic, parking and what not).   Generally speaking when I need to be somewhere early and D has to drive me there is always some attitude and negativity when we're leaving the house.  (Not something I really like to talk openly about because it makes me question stuff that I'm not ready to question.... maybe in a future post. I don't know. )

This morning was no different.  But I had a shorter fuse than usual because of the intense pain in my back and legs, so instead of putting up with his loudness and ignorance I left alone.  The last straw was when he tried to tell me to CANCEL an appointment that I have been waiting for since November, just because he didn't want to get up and thought I was too sore to go on my own on the subway.

Well, I showed him!

And kinda showed myself too. Cuz I even though I fainted on the subway half way there,  and got to the appointment 1/2 hour late I did it, I didn't give up when he discouraged me, and the appointment went well.

*sidenote* the people in Toronto really really suck! (excluding the wonderful one's I've met on Twitter who may or may not be reading this post)... but, yeah, the people in Toronto are ASSHOLES!  I was at a busy subway station (Yonge & Eglinton) when I fainted, and sat on the floor crying for 20 minutes after I came too ( I wasn't out long)  and NOT ONE PERSON INCLUDING THE 2 TTC (Toronto Transit Commision) WORKERS CAME TO SEE IF I WAS OK OR NEEDED HELP GETTING UP.  Not one person. *

Ahem. Back to the point. 

The doctor seems AWESOME, very understanding,  and I'm really looking forward to the next appointment on March 5th.   I scheduled that one for the afternoon so that in case I'm not well enough to take the subway it won't be so dramatic to get D to drive me.

It really sucks that he acts this way, but ultimately I think this new therapy and the new doctor will be able to help me deal with not only my infertility issues, but also some of these kinds of problems that D and I have in our relationship. 


Please comment - hearing from you makes me happy!

I'M ANGRY!!! please love me.... NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

I've been having a bit of a mood crisis in the last couple of days.

It's not something new, it's a demon I've been living with for pretty much my whole life.  It appears, it disappears, it appears, it disappears - it's starting to seem like my own misery gets sick of me and goes for a vacation from time to time.

This time, this crisis of mood  is coming at inopportune timing.   Generally when this feeling creeps in and starts to take over my (attempt at a) zen-ish brain I immediately start doing stuff.
Stuff to distract me from the growing unease, the unexplained anger, the darkness.
New stuff - signing up for classes at the local college, joining a new gym or class at the old  gym, trying to meet new musical com-padres to collaborate with on my vocal ventures and experiments...

This time I'm having issues doing those things.  Any of them - all of them.  None of them are getting me anywhere because I am simply too achy or down in the dumps and thus lacking the motivation required for diving into something new.

And thus I'm here, talking to you, my tweeps and blogles, whining in a most unbecoming way, which is starting to seem like an (unattractive) habit.

In a blatant attempt to try and make my misery (anger?) seem more interesting, something that someone would want to read about, and also to try to identify with someone other than a past version of myself, I am once again reaching out to Ani for inspiration, comfort and a l'il bit of good ol' venting.



And there, in an angry outburst of carefully planned melodies and words, is how I feel.

Pretty much to a 't'.

So now, the question that I'm mulling on, and now throwing out into the universe...

How do I switch it off? If I'm too physically stuck(sick?) to be able to vacate the area  (and generally by vacating I am thus shoving my negative feelings and emotional baggage under the carpet in my living room)...what am I to do?
Has anyone else been in this kind of predicament?  

Insight will be greatly appreciated, and good insight will be revered.

Come for a country drive with me....

Thought I'd share what I've been keeping busy with all evening...
and during most of my couching marathon day today...
I just discovered Photobucket's  amazing editing abilities and have been messing around with some of my older and more favourite photo's.




Here's an example. I took this pic on our way home from a camping trip in 2007.  Typical rural Ontario scenery.  I love it.

What do ya think?
Am considering having one printed out & framed...

It started out...



Then it became...


And the final product... 


And here are some other's that are just kinda fun...









Do you have any photo's you would like to see edited?
I'll mess around with 'em for ya!
Which one of the above is your favourite?
Drop me a comment!

The Calm after the storm...

Please pardon me if I'm depressing today.  The last few days have been excruciatingly difficult.  
If you are following me on Twitter you know that I had a relationship meltdown on Thursday night, and D left the house for a while.  Things are a bit better now but I'm still recovering.
Between the arguing, the quitting smoking (both of us @ the same time, and cold turkey), and with time off of infertility treatments (the only thing stable and positive that I was focused on before..... 
I feel like too many things in my life are just too negative.   

My uncle's situation in palliative care is going from bad to worse, and as bad as this sounds, there is no relief in sight for him or for us.   I miss having a normal family life - we haven't had any good times since last spring.

My health is going from bad to worse - probably because I'm so depressed and barely ever want to leave the house. 

If it wasn't for Twitter right now I would be totally and completely isolated.
Sounds so pathetic when I type it out.

I stopped talking to the only close girlfriend I had about 2 months ago because she was completely incapable of comforting me, but expected me to consistantly come to her rescue.  I am too tired to rescue someone else, and too tired to entertain someone who calls, leaves a voicemail saying she wants to "catch up" and then says absolutely NOTHING when I call to chat.  If I wanted to hear myself speak I would talk to my cats. 
I'm actually pretty relieved that I am not speaking with her.  My frusteration levels would go through the roof every time I called her in the last little while.

I can't understand people who WANT to be depressed.  I spend every day that I am depressed trying NOT to be - and trying to plan activities (even though at the moment they are mostly  within my home) to keep busy and not stay sitting like a lump on the couch.(I'm all for marathon couching, sometimes, but you can't do that all the time all day long!)   She did not do the same, nor did she encourage or try to participate in any of the stuff that I was trying to plan.  She just wanted to sit on her porch smoking cigarettes all day long - and even when I told her I was quitting, she could not respect that fact and would still constantly bring up smoking when we talked. And if I were to come over, she still wanted to sit on the porch smoking cigarettes all day.   Same thing happens with emotional cutting.  I haven't done it in years, but she constantly still does it.  I asked her to please not talk to me about it, she has a great therapist and I feel that those things are better discussed there - especially since I told her that I  felt quite triggered and had to work very hard not to fall back into old habits when she would describe her cutting to me.  The same thing would happen if she decided to overdose on her medications.  I have had issues with that in the past as well, and am doing my best to stay away from that kind of harmful behavior.  Sure there are nights when I wish I could just down 5 sleeping pills and knock out for the whole night (normally I sleep maybe 1-2 hours and then wake up).   I don't need that kind of temptation. Or lack of support. 

Despite the fact that I am relieved to be rid of that particular frusteration, I am still missing female contact.  I think that if I had more girlfriends I wouldn't feel so desperately sad about some of the things I'm lacking in my romantic life.  Plus I'd probably have a more realistic view on what a romantic relatiionship is really like, 'cuz right now I compare our life to that which I see in the movies... and, lets face it, that's probably enough to make anyone depressed.  

I'm not giving up on my happiness though.  I don't know what it's going to take to get there - but I'll figure it out eventually. 

A Shortie... but a goodie :)

To my faithful followers -

I have been M.I.A for 2 days because I have been stuck in Dexter Heavan.
Episode after episode I sit, glued to my tv, waiting to see who will be next on Dexter's radar. (Btw, he is the yummiest serial killer EVER).

Loved this...
Masuka, "You are offending my people!" and stalks away angrily.
Quinn, "Who are his people?"
Angel, shrugging, "Who knows? Small scientists?"

I just love the dialogue in this show.  If I could write like that I would be a millionaire. Cagillionaire in fact. 

oh - side note.... I am writing a blog for my uncle - well, kinda.   I'll explain more in detail in my next post, but for now, if you'd like, you can check it out at: http://juriandthebears.blogspot.com

And now... D is back from his dog walk, and we are back to our little Dexter cocoon.