I'm Tumbling

Just thought I'd better let y'all know...

I didn't drop off the face of the earth COMPLETELY after my bitch fest...

I'm finding Tumblr much easier to do on a consistent basis.

I'm not abandonning this blog, just saving it for the lengthier and more in depth stuff.

Come see me! 

I'm also always on Twitter.  You know this.  I'll say no more! :)

Whiney whiney BITCH PANTS

I'm really in a self pitying mood lately.

It's my upcoming birthday/ big news of if this cycle turned out well or not.  I think.

Or it could just be that I feel like throwing a temper tantrum single every day.

I'm scared that finding out the results of the pregnancy test will make me spiral down into a deeper sadness over the bad luck and unpleasantness that seems to follow me through out my life lately.

It's like no matter how hard I try, things SUCK and will continue SUCKING for... an indefinate amount of time.

I'm sorry that I'm being such a whiner but I have really had it.

This birthday (and year) was supposed to be the year of ME.

Now all special plans and mentions of magical fun times have been swallowed into my family's typical obsession  with all things depressing & sad.

My grandma being in hospital is the icing on the cake - we spent much of last year in hospitals & palliative care wards with my uncle.  Our family really needs a break.  We were going to take a cruise together (ALL of us, which has NEVER happened, and D has never even left our home province!) but... that's cancelled now. (Don't misconstrue this, I love my grandma and am so sad about the state of her health.  I don't want to abandon her in her time of need, and same goes for my Dad (it's his mother).  I guess I'm just being selfish when I say "when will it be time for GOOD TIMES???" 

Seems like the last several years have just been full of shit.

But, the thing that's making me the MOST upset is that my parents signed me up for that presentation (about a Slovak writer who was deeply affected by the loss of his family through the Holocaust) that I've been complaining on twitter about for weeks.  They didn't even really ask me.  And it's going to take up most of my birthday weekend, and prevents me & D from being able to go anywhere. And it's such a depressing topic to make matters even worse.   Every play or poetry reading that my parents are involved in is always about death.  Talk about morbid!

My birthdays in the last 10 years have been full of tears, lonlieness & aggravation.  I was really hoping that for my dirty 30 things would be better. 

Doesn't look like it.

I'm still trying to hold out a bit of hope for a BFP but the bigger part of me is telling my hopeful part to not get too excited.

I'm just not a fairy tale ending kind of girl.

A quick update...

I've been so bad at blogging lately.
I'm sorry - I hope you haven't missed my nonsense too much! :P
I'm planning to make a big come back once our work season starts again (Spring)....

Some of the reasons I've been so busy are:

1. WE ARE TTC AGAIN!!!! WOOOOHHOOOOO! 
This month was our return to Clomid, and it went a lot smoother than Cycles 1-3 in 2009.   I think having the mental preparation of what would happen with the introduction of all these hormones was a HUGE help.   March 6th (my Dirty Thirty!) marks the end of this year's first two week wait, and I'm encouraged by all the 'good omens' that have happened on this cycle  (I ovulated on Canadian Family Day, and my birthday is the end of the 2ww)

2. My grandma is in hospital.  This requires a lot of co-ordinating meal times with my parents so that someone familiar is there at every meal.  It's been a struggle, but seeing her sit up to eat, and hearing that my dad and her went for a jaunt around the ward after 3 weeks of her being bed-ridden, makes me so happy.
She's going to be 88 this August and she is probably the strongest and most indestructable woman I know! She survived the Holocaust, breast cancer twice, had a tumour removed from her brain at 84, almost died due to complications from the anti-biotics, and now she's pulling through again!  I'm so proud of her. 

3. Trying to get life on track is time consuming!
Doing yoga has been taking a lot of my (used to be) internet-surfing/tv watching/ tweeting time... though in the last week I sort of fell of the bandwagon (progesterone suppository side effects are NO FUN!) but before that I was doing well, daily practice. If you want to view some of the flow's I've been enjoying you can do so HERE.  I'd love to hear that my meager little attempt at getting in shape has inspired others - it give me such a motivation boost!
Eating better is more time consuming as well, what with the veggie chopping, fish seasoning and rice boiling.  It's been an uphill battle with my junk food addiction, and I'm definitely not there yet, but I'm seeing improvements with the little changes that I'm making & that's really encouraging. 

Another other than that... I'm just waiting for work to start up again (it makes such a huge difference, not only financially but also spiritually, when my days have more structure to them.)

This summer is going to be great- all these steps that D & I are taking towards improving our lives has me so excited! Stay tuned for more frequent blog posts about our progress, both in terms of TTC and also in terms of our new healthier life!

Happy New Year & All that jazz...

So I'm a bit late in wishing you all a Happy New Year - better late than never though, right?

I'm sorry I've been scarce.

I've been busy trying to change my life.

Most of you follow me on Twitter so you know that I've taken a plunge into the wonderful world of yoga, and have been going to a prenatal class at a studio on Tuesday nights, but also have been doing my own practice at home.

WHAT AN AMAZING DIFFERENCE SO FAR!
And it's only been 3 weeks.

The other major change I'm making is my diet.
Since beginning yoga again my body has been telling me to detox, but I have been having a really hard time meshing my more natural food desires with D's fast food fetish.  Last night we ate seperate meals, and I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would. Still have to do some work on this aspect of things though.

What spiked this sudden return to the blogosphere was my appointment at a Fibromyalgia and Cannibology specialist yesterday.  First of all, he claims that my biggest issue is a sleep disorder, and not fibro.  Weird right?   So now my GP is setting up a sleep study for me (which I'm totally nervous for 'cuz I hate sleeping away from home)...

He gave me homework too - in the form of reading and writing.  If anyone is interested in reading his books, I can give you his website address, just leave me a comment below.  I don't want to publicly advertise his name on my blog.  The homework is really interesting so far, and actually is in part the reason for my return to blogging. Last night I spent an hour after yoga filling in the first few pages of a workbook he gave me called "The Magic Pen; Creative Writing for Self Discovery".  I have to admit, I'm hooked, not only to this doctor's unique and more holistic method, but also to his  energy and encouragement that I CAN change my life.

Last but not least, I have to lose weight.  He claims this will be the easiest part, if I don't cheat.  He claims I can lose 100 lbs. in one year.  The diet he's proposing is a bit extreme so I may alter it slightly.  He says I should eat 2 small meals a day, one at 10:30, one at 4:30/5pm.  And only veggies, chicken, fish and a TINY bit of carbs.  And that's IT.  No fruit for a year.  No snacking in between meals - PERIOD.  I think I'll have to have some healthy snacks set up for throughout the day - I can't fathom going without some munchies for a whole day!

The cannibology part of his practice is fascinating to me (for obvious reasons, if you #knowyourNaVe!) He says I will qualify no problem for a medical MJ card, so that will be in the works soon as well.  Not going to go into too much depth here, for obvious reasons, but basically I'll just say - this is the beginning of the rest of my life!

And you will be around to witness it! I swear, I couldn't do it without my constant venting system, AKA Twitter. KUDOS to all my lovely tweeties. You all are my support system and saving grace! Love you!


*in case you are wondering, the picture above is me, about 5 years ago (pre-fibromyalgia), doing camel pose.  Just a bit of inspiration for anyone thinking that fat girls can't do yoga - I was thinner then but as you can see, still far from a twig.  Yoga is great for anyone!*

Holiday Happy's

The last post I wrote was all about finding my happy. This is one of my favourite times of year and it's the perfect time for me to ... Well... BE HAPPY!
And I'm finding small pleasures to take joy in every day, even on the grump-infested snark overloaded ones.
Today I wrapped my parents Chanukah gift (which I'm happy to say I think that they will really enjoy this year!


And the finished product....



And now that I'm done I'm feeling even more wonderfully festive so here are some shots from around our apartment (this is a spontaneous iPhone camera shoot, so pardon the sort of crappy photography!)



It's snowing!! And a shot of some of our lights...



A view of our ficus christmukah tree



Bears in a tree! One is D and the other's me! (teehee that rhymes!)



For my Aussie & Southern US readers - do you know what kind of pine tree this is? We've had Nora for 6 years... She looks beautiful as ever with her twinkle lights & glitter balls!



The headless desert nutcracker & his be-header ... And a Christmas cactus, 2010's addition to our cactus garden.



Headless desert Nutcracker's head!



The stuffed animal& candy cane ficus christmukah tree....



And again...



Our stockings, the leopard print one was Sessie's, now it's waiting for a pic of the dogs and cat boys... She willed it to them.



More of the big christmukah ficus.



Our wreath & icicle lights & stained glass door to balcony...



Christmukah cat!

And... That's all folks!!

- Posted on location from my iPhone
(doesn't that sound like so official & stuff? Like I'm a reporter... On location... Hehehe)

(oh yeah... Leave a comment!! Kthx& HAPPY HOLIDAYS!)

Finding my Happy

Yesterday  I was 'msn'ing' with an old friend. She knows D very well, in fact I know her through him & she also is beginning to know me very well as she has decided to embark on the adventure that one undertakes when becoming my follower on twitter.  She thus has pretty good insight on what's happening in my life, because I'm an open book & she knows the other chapter of my story quite well ;)

She said, very wisely, that my tweets have begun to indicate a fair amount of despair & depression. And that despite the fact that I frequently vent about relationship drama between me & my love, the darkness is most likely coming from the void that I feel OUTSIDE of my relationship.

It's true.  I try to stay positive, hopeful, optimistic, & happy & all that jazz but there's a monster lurking too close to the surface for my comfort.  And try as he might, D can not do anything about it.  This fact alone brings out a not -so-nice aspect of our relationship... him trying, me rejecting him & him then being cold & aggressive because... well, basically I'm being a bitch too.

As a veteran of therapy, both group & individual, I can tell the signs of depression.  I see that I'm in trouble.  I see that I need help.  I see that lack of luster in myself, my reluctance to get out of bed in the mornings is getting stronger... but I just am kinda of the mind set that I want to try & use my self-taught skills (and call on some of the skills that I've learned in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - if you're interested in hearing more about this please leave a comment & I will blog about it next!) in conjunction with my newly found twitter support system rather than running back to therapy, or worse still, medication.

What my wise friend suggested was that I make a list. A list of things OUTSIDE my relationship that make me jump for joy. Things that tickle my thoughts.  Things that stimulate my senses. 
I have been happy before, I do experience happiness still & thus, there must be circumstances, things, people, situations, etc. that still make me happy.

So here,  blogles & tweeties, are (some of) my happys!

(I'm gonna be random, start with small things and maybe things that people will find strange... but it's all part of the process! I need to once more learn to take joy in the little pleasures of life!)

~ my cats (duh)
~ Ani Difranco (duh - I said I was starting with the easy things!)
~ composing & recording music.   (need to find a good software for this! SUGGESTIONS? I've used sequel 2, cakewalk & fruityloops, but never understood what I was doing.. need something user friendly! read:dummy-fied) 
~ guitar (need to become more consistent with playing so I don't have to go through the pain of re-developing calluses every single time! what a turn off!) 
~ photography & digitally editing photos
~ reading with tea & kush at Roach-a-rama in Kensington Market (requires me to leave the house & take the transit to go downtown... not that likely at the moment... but still a happy)
~ yoga (need to find some bum-knee friendly yoga - suggestions anyone??)
~ swimming (need to find a public pool nearby for swimming 3x/ week)
~ shopping for fruits & veggies & spices & nuts (productive to my diet too!)
~ shopping in general (though this can get dangerous!)
~ cooking & baking
~ knitting
~ PAINTING (really MISS this one!)
~ mani/pedi
~ bath & wine time (not sure I can swing this in my current apartment... our bathtub SUCKS)
~ journalling/blogging :)

And I think that's all for now! That's actually a pretty good list, if I don't say so myself (which I do!) All of the things on there are things that I enjoyed doing pre-D and kinda stopped doing due to various factors in my current situation... none of which are written in stone, and all of which I can change.
So now, the task at hand is to DO SOMETHING and actually make this list go to good use.  That's the hardest part of it all, 'cuz if you've followed my blog at all, you'll know I"m great at making lists & plans & not so great at the actual execution of things. But here's another shot...

To my Wise friend (one in specific but also, to all my wise friends who are reading!)  please remember, we need to kick each others asses into gear, for who else is in a better position to push you to succeed in finding your happy but your friends?  <3

Empty Womb on a Wordless Wednesday

I had a rough night last night.
An unexpected pregnancy announcement on facebook had me reeling in emotion from 2:39am onwards. Instead of wallowing in a self-pitying post though, I'll make use of Wordless Wednesday and share some images that had me pissing my pants laughing yesterday.

And a couple of them are pretty applicable to my current state of the Infertility Blues.

I think I'm gonna make an appointment today to have my Cunt examined......

And I'll prolly take my trusty friend with me..... 

A girl who's T.T.C. can never get enough of her Sperman after all!

But we have to make sure first that there isn't a...

And maybe after my appointment we'll go here for some lunch....

Or maybe here...

 I feel like having...

\I wonder if I'd be more fertile if I had a...

And I know while I'm at the doctor I should make sure I don't have any fresh STD's... 

I HAVE to get one of these for my kids (if & when I have them that is!!)

And if I never do have any kids then the rest of my life will be a....

And I'll blow you all to hell with my....

And... JUST CUZ THEY ARE HILARIOUS...

um.... WHAAAAAT???!?!

 *phew* it's a good thing that I saw that last sign, 'cuz I really feel like dying right now... 

But since it's strictly forbidden I guess I'll continue on with my day. 

Hope I made ya piss your pants ....er.... giggle :p

My Walmart Skin Care Secret Combo

I used to have terrible skin.

So bad that my mom sought out medical assistance & my doctor prescribed 'Acutane'.  At 11 years old.  Needless to say that did a number on my just-reaching-puberty body (the pill capsules had a picture of a pregnant woman with an 'X' through her to demonstrate that getting pregnant while on this drug was ill advised due to the likelihood of birth defect.  But they thought nothing of putting a developing young woman on it.... hmmmm... *head scratching* ..........................................................But I digress...  this is not meant to be a post about the ill effects of over-medicating youth {ahem, I deal with endometriosis and fibromyalgia  now, as an adult...}

What this post IS about is the combo of products that I've been religiously (till recently) using in the last 5-6 or so years, and it has been working wonders.  Such wonders in fact that recently, when I've been cutting certain expenses out, I've realized (with the dawn of a fresh face full of little red pimples & blemishes) I NEED my skin care regiment.

People used  to ask me what I use. People used to comment (with compliments!!) on my skin, not too long ago, and really, the stuff I use is not expensive at all.  

So here they are, the products that I combine (all from Wal-Mart, or Shoppers Drugmart) to create the nice, smooth & radiant skin that I am now proud to say is mine.

 Sometimes I mix the Garnier moisturizer/sunscreen with

Rimmel foundation to create a dewey'er more transparent & light foundation.  

I follow up (if I'm dressing up) with some powder bronzer just as cheekbone highlights & some subtle eye makeup & lipgloss.   I'm all about the light & natural look!

Do you have any favourite skin secrets that I can share with my readers? Please share!
Do you like these types of product-evaluation posts from me or should I stick with the emotional & inspirational stuff? Talk to me! :)

*I was not paid to write this blog, nor am I an employee of any of the products or stores that I mention*

More bang for my buck!

I need a whole new wardrobe. One that actually fits so I don't have to feel like a stuffed sausage all winter this year.  I did that last year & ME. NO. LIKEY.
BUT I do not have money for a whole new wardrobe.
Or at least not one from a regular source, like Addition Elle, H&M or Voluptous or Old Navy. And I'm tired of having shapeless formless sweatpant type things from Walmart as my 'entire' wardrobe.
I want some decent stuff.
But even when I do come into some extra cash, I'm trying to be 'thrifty'.   We are, after all, trying to save for a trip this winter & hopefully some baby-making assistance in the near future.

So I thought & I thought...

And I donated a tupperware bin full of designer clothes that are too small to my local Value Village
and then... BING! An epiphany!

If I'M donating all this primo stuff that I barely wore (because I sadly outgrew it once I became a happy, cozy & comfortable house wife type:read, I now wear sweats 75%... 85%.... ok ok ... 95% of the time) then there MUST be OTHER women (who are perhaps at the OTHER end of the process that I am just now beginning, of losing weight & shedding the shlumps that sometimes come with a finally-forever-comfortable-relationship) who are also donating their stuff....

AND BEHOLD! THERE WERE!

*bonus to shopping at Value Village? Recycling clothes is good for the earth AND your wallet!*  So, I only spent $72.29 and this is what I got:

 H & M T-shirt dress to wear with leggings - pant style of choice for me to accommodate my tensor bandaged knee - was so unflattering 'cuz 'till now I only had one longer top to wear with them...

 Green fleecy high-necked sweatshirt...

me likey, for those comfy loungy days, so I don't have to look so shlumpy....

 Danskin sweats -  great sturdy material, for those same comfy/shlumpy days...

 Dark Rinse 'curvy cut' jeans, to make space for the bootay ;)

 I LOOOVE this wooly grey sweater - 

the lines are so perfect for my figure, accentuating my smallest part - my waist!

 Old Navy long sleeved waffle tee - can never have too many of these. 

And this one is in my fave colour! It matches the inner rim of my glasses!

 A Big Long comfy sweater - again, to go with my leggings & Uggs..

.Maybe a big braided leather belt...

 Another one... this one is actually a really great teal colour... the picture didn't really show it that well. I plan to wear this one  with a slinky long sleeved tee under (the cable knit part is kinda peek-a-boo, and it's got short sleeves), and with black leggings and my black slouchy boots or uggs.

And, of course my two helpers, Blue & Topper...

making sure that I make the right choices to keep the fashion police away! 

And for my next blog post? Look forward to pics of all the fur babies -

in their matching Halloween getups! :) 

But for now...  what do you think of my shopping spree at Value Village?